DP's drinking, amongst other things

[cardiffer]

Backstory:

Been with DP 3 years, living together for 2. I have a DC from a previous relationship.

I have been self employed for approx 1 year, and now earn approx £11k PA. DP earns 5x what I do, so I am not entitled to any child benefit etc. I do still pay half towards all household bills, although DP does pay for the food shopping. Since being self employed I feel as though I'm treated as a SAHM rather than a WAHM. For example I am left responsible for almost all housework, meal preparation, dog walking (and obviously childcare, which is fully my responsibility anyway). I am also at university part time. All this may or may not be relevant.

My issue is with my partner's after work drinking. It's only every couple of weeks, but it's his lack of consideration/maturity around it which is making me fume. For example, not being home for dinner and not letting me know (while I was waiting for him). Falling asleep on the last train home due to being plastered, and then being stranded miles away. Leaving his laptop bag on the train, so he then had to spend a whole day out of the weekend travelling up north to get the bag back (we see him quite little during the week so weekend time is quite precious). His only "responsibility" is that he needs to be home at a reasonable time on one particular night as I go to uni, so he needs to get back for our dog. Lo and behold, this week, he got caught up drinking after work and was 3 hours later back than he should have been, meaning the dog was alone for 6 hours.

I mentioned marriage at the weekend and he panicked beyond belief; it has obviously never crossed his mind, despite being 33 years old.

My worry is that if we ever had a child, he would continue with this same attitude and everything would be left to me. I keep thinking that I would be better off financially without him, and at least I wouldn't have to put up with his mess, his washing, and having to be continually frustrated by his drinking.

On the other hand, I love him dearly and really thought we'd be together forever.

Am I expecting too much? Or should I get out before I spend a lifetime of feeling let down by his lack of consideration/ inability to have any responsibility?

Marriage? He has shown no signs that he is committed and ready to settle down let alone get married!!

Looks like you are out of pocket financially too.

You have to ask yourself if this is the life you want? In your shoes I would run for it tbh

Why would you bring up wanting to marry a man child?? He clearly doesn't value you or your time and is selfish beyond belief.

If you are better off without him then leave and find a partner who appreciates and cherishes you. Someone who looks after himself and his possessions.

Is the dog yours or his?

Doesn't sound great. Looks like he'd rather to a single man who comes and goes and drinks as he pleases. Also the financial side of things sound a bit dodge. He earns 5x as much but you pay half? He's not really committed in any sense. He's not being a partner or a family man. I can't bear all this drinking to excess constantly either, it makes for such a miserable life. Do you find yourself with anxiety or depression wondering where he is, when he'll be back?

Doesn't sound like you're on the same page.

The dog is both of ours, but in the event of a split I guess he would stay with me, as DP works long hours not close to home.

It's so frustrating as in all other areas he (DP not dog) is really wonderful. But as far as the drinking and the housework are concerned, they are getting to me more and more.

His argument with housework is that he's barely here, and does the DIY, which is true.

Why are you subjecting yourself let alone your child to all this from him?. What do you get out of this relationship and why is your relationship bar this low?. What is there to love about this man at all?. Apart from anything else this manchild has a drink problem.

Why did you mention marriage to him?.

I would leave before you get ever more further over invested in him.

No this does not sound great, this would drive me nuts. He sounds irresponsible and selfish. Time for him to grow up and get out. I'd be having a serious talk . Do you think he has a drink problem, a kind of binge/can't stop once he starts kind of problem?

How else is this man wonderful exactly, what does he bring to the table?. In what other areas is he so wonderful.

Are you really just kidding yourself here by settling for so very little?.

He definitely does have a "can't stop once he's started" thing with drink. He doesn't drink all that often, but when he does, he doesn't just stop at one usually.

Not trying to be the woman who comes on asking for advice and then protests when she's given it, but answering the questions above, some things that I think make him wonderful the rest of the time...

When I was miserable at work, he was fully supportive of me going self employed and reassured me that he would pick up any financial slack if necessary.
He gets on brilliantly with my son, and treats him as though he's his own. My son adores him. He's funny, always makes me laugh, always knows the right things to say. I had counselling for childhood sexual abuse and he took me to and from every single appointment, always understood when I wasn't feeling myself and was there to listen and support me. He gets on well with the rest of my family, and will help them out with handyman jobs if they need it, particularly my grandfather.

When I was miserable at work, he was fully supportive of me going self employed and reassured me that he would pick up any financial slack if necessary.
But this doesn't seem to have actually happened if you're paying half the household bills despite the household income being split 20/80 in his favour.

He gets on brilliantly with my son, and treats him as though he's his own.
So if you were to have a child together, he'd expect you to do 100% of the childcare for that child too?

It's easy for him to get on brilliantly with a child that he only sees a few hours a week and doesn't have to do any of the boring shit for/with.

I am sure he does have many loveable qualities, after all you would not have been attracted to him otherwise! but this relationship is very unequal from what you have written. He is basically having his cake and eating it - he's got someone at home to do all the household shit, AND have sex with him, and he feels he can go and live the single life on top.

The panic reaction to talk of marriage is surely all you need to know?

BTW I didn't think child benefit was means tested? (Or maybe you meant child tax credit.)

Thanks for elaborating.

Hmm, I'm still on the fence on this. It DOES sound as though he is incredibly selfish. I also must stress that I wouldn't be impressed if my child saw my partner coming home half cut or tipsy every couple of nights and I certainly don't like the fact he leaves himself vulnerable by drinking and falling asleep in public places. It just sounds immature and smacks of lack of control (mental and physical).

So he does DIY every now and then or do you have lots of renovations on? Surely he uses the bathroom, kitchen etc every day but that is your job? I don't think that is fair at all.

I'm sorry to hear you had a terribly time as a little girl but any decent human being would be supportive of a friend or partner working through that! No bonus points from me for him, I'm afraid.

I think if you have a weekend sans your son you should establish what you want from this relationship with him (not marriage!) and then he either delivers or gets off the pot. I can see this current situation running on indefinitely and you will be made miserable by it and waste your best years and also your son's who could have a brilliant step daddy but now just hasn't.

What pocketsaviour mentioned: why do you split household bills 50/50 if he earns so much more than you?? I know I wouldn't ask that of a partner who earned less than me.

cardiffer

Re your comment:-

He definitely does have a "can't stop once he's started" thing with drink. He doesn't drink all that often, but when he does, he doesn't just stop at one usually.

So what does that tell you about him?.

What is your understanding of alcoholism?. What to you is an alcoholic?. They do not all sit on park benches drinking; many do hold down jobs. But they are still alcoholics and dependent both physically and psychologically on alcohol.

Your son is also seeing what is happening here; is this really the role model of a relationship you want to teach him?.

He supported you going s/e because he would then have you in his house picking up after him and doing chores whilst he drinks and comes and goes as he pleases. He has also made you far more financially dependent on his goodwill. He has also not picked up any financial slack whatsoever and you still pay half - why?. You should not feel so indebted to him as you do.

He rescued you but he is not the nice person you think he is; you are now seeing the real him and that version is the reality.

And there's that bloody word adore again re his relationship with your son!. Your son probably does not so much adore this man so much as fear him and wants to obey him to keep you happy. He probably also wonders of you what you see in this man; your son wants you to be happy but he sees that you are clearly not.

I agree that I think there is an element of rescue here, he clearly has his good points and having issues with drink doesn't make you necessarily a bad or awful person, but it makes you a selfish one when you can't see the effect it has on others.

It's always a problem, always when 1. You can't stop drinking when you start and 2. It affects your life to the extent where you let other people down because you have been drinking. I mean it's a problem enough if you are only letting yourself down but in this case it's letting you down too.

You can't make someone see they have an issue with drink when they don't want to (trust me, have tried. Deny, minimise they will) but you can stop putting up with it and explain to them how the effects on you will culminate in your relationship eventually ending. Might not be now, might be 2 years, but it will strangle it to death slowly and surely over time. It already is

Ok a few things to clear up:

My son does not FEAR my partner! I have no idea what in my posts could possibly have given this idea! My partner is not a scary or violent man, at all.

My partner does not drink every couple of days, it's every couple of weeks, as per OP.

The 50/50 bill split was my idea - I earnt the same as him when I was employed and didn't want to "put" on him by suddenly cutting my own wage and being financially dependent on him.

I do think I need to sit down and work out what I want from him, and then to discuss it with him. Perhaps if he doesn't want to help with the housework then he can pay a cleaner to come in every other week, as a start. I still can't help but feel that asking him to pay more towards the bills, as a result of a decision which I've made (to cut my income) is unfair on him though. Maybe I'm deluded

I think there is always a slight element of denial with drinking problems because it creeps up on you slowly and therefore masks your memories of what it was like 'before' or how much it does impact you.

You aren't deluded to ask him to contribute more, you don't have the money to do it yourself and had an agreement, which he isn't fulfilling

He's taking advantage of you both financially and domestically; not a man I'd be wanting to marry.

So you earn 11K and he earns 5 times that so over 50K yet he expects you to go 50/50, how on earth is that fair on you?

Your DP is only 33. There is lots of time for him to mature. At that age I was with a similar manchild who was easily capable of such nonsense. Fast forward 10 years and he is the very responsible father of our daughter and we are very happily married. Admittedly I had to knock him into shape - but it worked. Life is a gamble. You have to try to figure out if your bloke is going to grow out of this irresponsible drinking or if he actually does have a problem. Your goal seems to be settling and having kids. Personally I reckon ending up with a suitable partner is as much luck as anything else.

Hi Cardiffer - it sounds as if there are some really good aspects to the relationship and there are lots of reasons why you'd want to stay, as well as the reasons you're frustrated.

I agree that both of you should individually sit down and work out what you need from a relationship and where you want it to go in the next few years - if you do want to get married, if so then roughly when, and whether you'd like to have more children etc. Then the two of you need to sit down together and compare these plans to see if they're broadly similar, or can be aligned in such a way that means both of you are agreed and happy about how things will progress. This depends on total frankness and honesty though - do you think he's brave enough to say things that he may perceive as being hurtful or a rejection?

Then you make a decision as to whether to plan a future together, or to separate.

Either way, you sound like a hard-working, caring, lovely person and I hope you end up happy.

Since when is 33 'only 33' unless you are talking about life expectancy? Someone who is 33 has been an adult for 15 years. It is not acceptable to treat adult men like man babies who need to grow up. Also women with children should not be gambling their futures away on the off chance a man baby might mature into an adult

Your son all too clearly sees how you as his mother are treated by this man and probably fears for you. Why use the word "adore" as well; far too many people in poor relationships like yours is use that particular word to remain in substandard relationships.

Do not settle for so little from life and relationships. Your son deserves a better example of a stepfather as well.

Drinking to excess every couple of weeks and to the point of leaving items on trains is a problem, you cannot deny otherwise. What is the longest period of time to your knowledge has he gone without alcohol; that will also tell you a lot as well.

He is unlikely to ever marry you anyway given as well his panicked reaction over same. After all his primary relationship is with drink.

He has the majority of power and control in this relationship and does not want that balance to change. You've handed over far too much power to him as it is particularly with regards to the finances.

Attilla, I'm sorry but you are being a drama llama.

I'm sorry my choice of the word "adore" upsets you, but that is the emotion that my son feels towards my partner. He tells him that he loves him constantly, always wants a cuddle from him, loves playing around and goofballing with him, my partner makes him happy.

There is no fear in this household. You don't even know the age of my son so please stop imputing things which aren't true. Yes, I am worried that my son might grow up with a warped and misogynistic viewpoint if this situation is allowed to carry on, yes the drinking is an issue, and I have come on for advice about these things, but please stop asserting that my son is fearful because he is not!

People on here are very harsh!! I imagine he's great other than this and probably doesn't see what he's doing wrong, my DP would be exactly the same. I think you need to tell him exactly how you feel, that it's gone so far that you may end up leaving him over it! If that doesn't change the way he's being then you should think about leaving Imo

Can I just repeat pocketsaviour's post -

"When I was miserable at work, he was fully supportive of me going self employed and reassured me that he would pick up any financial slack if necessary.
But this doesn't seem to have actually happened if you're paying half the household bills despite the household income being split 20/80 in his favour.

He gets on brilliantly with my son, and treats him as though he's his own.
So if you were to have a child together, he'd expect you to do 100% of the childcare for that child too?

It's easy for him to get on brilliantly with a child that he only sees a few hours a week and doesn't have to do any of the boring shit for/with."

I think he talks a good talk, but in reality you are a whole lot worse off and doing everything.

I would get your independence back.

Only 3 short years and already he's treating you like a skivvy and expecting you to pay half the bills; you'd be mad to have a child with him never mind get married.