DP's drinking, amongst other things

[cardiffer]

Backstory:

Been with DP 3 years, living together for 2. I have a DC from a previous relationship.

I have been self employed for approx 1 year, and now earn approx £11k PA. DP earns 5x what I do, so I am not entitled to any child benefit etc. I do still pay half towards all household bills, although DP does pay for the food shopping. Since being self employed I feel as though I'm treated as a SAHM rather than a WAHM. For example I am left responsible for almost all housework, meal preparation, dog walking (and obviously childcare, which is fully my responsibility anyway). I am also at university part time. All this may or may not be relevant.

My issue is with my partner's after work drinking. It's only every couple of weeks, but it's his lack of consideration/maturity around it which is making me fume. For example, not being home for dinner and not letting me know (while I was waiting for him). Falling asleep on the last train home due to being plastered, and then being stranded miles away. Leaving his laptop bag on the train, so he then had to spend a whole day out of the weekend travelling up north to get the bag back (we see him quite little during the week so weekend time is quite precious). His only "responsibility" is that he needs to be home at a reasonable time on one particular night as I go to uni, so he needs to get back for our dog. Lo and behold, this week, he got caught up drinking after work and was 3 hours later back than he should have been, meaning the dog was alone for 6 hours.

I mentioned marriage at the weekend and he panicked beyond belief; it has obviously never crossed his mind, despite being 33 years old.

My worry is that if we ever had a child, he would continue with this same attitude and everything would be left to me. I keep thinking that I would be better off financially without him, and at least I wouldn't have to put up with his mess, his washing, and having to be continually frustrated by his drinking.

On the other hand, I love him dearly and really thought we'd be together forever.

Am I expecting too much? Or should I get out before I spend a lifetime of feeling let down by his lack of consideration/ inability to have any responsibility?

"Yes, I am worried that my son might grow up with a warped and misogynistic viewpoint if this situation is allowed to carry on, yes the drinking is an issue, and I have come on for advice about these things, but please stop asserting that my son is fearful because he is not!"

Ok re the fearful part and I will stop with that. All I will say is that regardless of age he will notice how things are at home and what is happening around him. Both of you are teaching him lessons about relationships here. What lessons do you yourself want to teach him?.

You've had advice re his drinking; its up to you whether you take any notice of it or otherwise.

How are you going to stop this situation from continuing as it is?.His drinking is a problem as is the power and control balance in your relationship. Its well skewed in his favour emotionally and financially.

I do not think you want the above for your son, not at all. You are s/e yet this man you are with is still expecting you to do all the housework, care for the dog (was that his idea mainly to obtain one?) and the childcare by default of the fact that you're there. So he pays for the food shopping; big deal. I put it to you that such men are highly resistant to change particularly if they feel it will not benefit them.

He gets what he wants out of this relationship, I cannot readily see what is in this at all for you. You were rescued by this person but his help has really come at a cost and not just financial to you. You've already seen his panicked reaction to marriage; that was never in his world view at all.

Don't marry him and definitely don't have children with him, he sounds immature and selfish.

I spoke to him tonight. He was affronted at my assertion that our bills apart from food are split 50/50 so perhaps I should have given more detail, although in my OP I wasn't sure if the financials would be a particularly relevant part.

Our basic household bills come to £750 per month. I pay in £400 to our bills account. He pays £800. To my mind, that is his half towards bills, £400, plus an extra £400 for the food shopping and any one off extras. To his mind, he pays 2/3 and I pay 1/3.

Re the drinking, from our brief conversation tonight then I get the feeling nothing will change. He feels he needs to let his hair down, which I agree with. But his way to let his hair down is not done in a responsible/considerate way to my mind. He doesn't see his drinking as an issue. He doesn't see why he should have to get home earlier for the dog on a Wednesday because I "choose" to go to uni early to miss the traffic and do some studying before my lectures.

He's ignored the part about household chores.

Our conversation was halted as my friend popped round. Will update tomorrow when we've spoken. I really don't know what to do.

That's sad. It seems he has no respect for your studies op! In his mind he thinks him going out is more important than your studies? You've literally asked him to do one think and he hasn't even got the courtesy to text you to let you know when he'll be home
I agree with PP, he thinks he can live the single life. I think it's okay for him to go out drinking but he should let you know and not do it on the ONE night you go to uni? It's not hard to send a text.

I think you sound mature, OP. Or like most of us, getting there! The question is, can you have a mature, respectful, loving conversation with your DP? I think it all hinges on that really. Getting so drunk you fall asleep on a train after a day at work is normal for some people, but I think there is something a bit about it personally! What does he think, especially about having to go and retrieve his bloody briefcase from miles away, isn't he a tad embarrassed?

I think it all hinges really on how he talks about it to you. Is he defensive, accusing, angry, belittling, untruthful, etc etc etc? Or does he care, will try to change, will take on board your point of view, is going to think about things, reflect. I think you will know and get your answer then whether he's "in" or "out".

The drinking thing is a serious problem, and I honestly can't see that it is going to change for the better. Sorry, op.