Drinking while sole charge of DC

[WayWithWords]

What would you think about someone who drunk 2 bottles of wine at night (and possibly some G&Ts too) while in sole charge of their 3-year-old DC?

Drinking once DC had gone to bed, but the only adult in the house that night. No adult there in the morning either, so responsible for getting up with DC in the morning and entertaining them for the day.

That does sound like a lot every night.
I do drink every day because I enjoy it. I have a high tolerance. I can drink a bottle of wine a night and be perfectly fine, not drunk at all.
My spirit tolerance is even higher than my wine tolerance.
But I would never ever have too much, certainly not when in charge of children

Just a guess but I presume you are a spouse or ex spouse out to out the other as a bad parent for drinking too much.
Well yes its bad but unless there's proof of neglect I really don't think you can do anything about it.
Can you prove this? Otherwise its just your word against theirs.
You sound vindictive.

even drug addicts can make good parents. Its all about the effect on the child and whether their needs are being met. Not about judgement.

I think kel is highlighting how denial works.

I'm not being 'vindictive', herwegoagain. And I'm not out to get anyone.

I'm concerned about a family member's drinking and particularly concerned they will lose their DC (or at least their relationship with their DC) over this.

The DC in question is very happy and perfectly well-cared for. But it is a concern going forward.

Kitty, that's not true. That's judgemental to think pp is necessarily in denial.

Alcohol tolerance is almost entirely determined by your genes.

Alcohol metabolism is a 2 step process - first it's converted to acetaldehyde, then to acetic acid.

Some people can't drink much alcohol. Other people can consume lots, function well and not get hangovers.

I can not have a drink for months and months. Then consume lots, whilst others are flagging, I'm fine, later walk home, next day no hangover, perfectly fine.

Other people are tipsy after a glass of wine. It all depends. Huge variety.

WayWithWords,

re your comment:-

"Attila - I know I need to detach. I've been wracked with emotion watching this unfold for the past 18 months or so, but am getting so fed up with their behaviour that I'm feeling strangely detached about it all now. I know it's futile for me to confront them about it, but on some level I feel I have to. I feel I owe them that. Or maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better for when I inevitably have to walk away and leave them to it".

Yes you do need to detach; its your only way forward for your own self. Al-anon are well worth contacting; I would urge you to seek outside support from them as well.

You need to address exactly why you feel you need to confront them about their drinking and I think your last sentence really answers your own question. The only person who can help him here is his own self; he has to be the sole one to decide that enough is enough. What they see as coercion from family members does not work and your words will not work either on that individual.

Mind your own bees wax Op its someones choice what they drink long as the child is ok 🤔

The OP is related to the child in question and that means it is her business.

being raised by an alcoholic has a profound effect on a child, even if they never see the parent drinking/drunk.

My BIL was raised by an alcoholic mother. None of them had any idea until she was hospitalised with liver failure, when BIL was about 25. He had never seen her drink. Yet he still displays all of the "laundry list" of children of alcoholics.

OP, you can try to intervene and make this person come to their senses. I think morally you have to try. But if the alcoholic's partner is threatening to leave, then I think you should support them to do so safely, if your intervention has no effect.

Mind your own bees wax Op its someones choice what they drink long as the child is ok
No, not when they are responsible for a child, this level of drinking is dangerous.

There are plenty of threads by people who had alcoholic parents and the damage it did.

This could've been me, a few years ago. I had a catastrophic drink problem and was regularly shitfaced when in sole charge of my very young DC. I was a deeply unhappy, damaged person - I didn't WANT to be an alcoholic, but at the same time, I couldn't see any other alternative. I knew how to stop drinking, but I didn't know how to unravel the mess that KEPT me drinking.

SS intervened, luckily. I still have my DH and my DC, and I'm very happily sober. But it was a long, LONG road, and a very painful one with many relapses. Getting off the drink is easy - staying off it is the real challenge. It's like trying to overpower a bear sometimes.

OP, this is going to be difficult. You may end up having to retreat from the situation for your own sanity, because you can help and help and help til you have nothing left to give, and that won't stop your relative drinking. That's solely in their hands.

Is sober parent getting real support? Or is sober parent being helped to make sure the drinking stays hidden from as many people as possible?

I ask because here you are on an anonymous forum asking about a very common problem and yet you are twisting yourself in knots to avoid giving anything away even to total strangers.

It suggests an incredibly strong pressure in your family to lie, keep issues suppressed and a general attitude of everything is fine if we can pretend it is fine sort of convincingly despite all the evidence to the contrary, which we will desperately attempt to ignore (maybe you had lessons from my DM's family).

OP if the drinker has diagnosed PTSD what help have they received for it? It can be treated successfully and doesn't have to take a long time - although they'd now need to be sober I'd imagine.

If it's not diagnosed then I'd go down that route.

The alcohol is not the problem, the reason for self-medication is and I'm guessing it's the PTSD (and the trauma that caused it).

I agree it's negligent, have no idea how courts would see it, but think that this is one avenue you can explore talking to them. Flashbacks and vivid nightmares are horrific and trying to numb pain in that situation isn't unusual - although it never is a solution.

If they have had diagnosis and treatment then they need to try another treatment because this hasn't worked.

And the PTSD isn't an excuse for drinking whilst looking after a DC, but I'm mentioning just to add a potential avenue for your discussion.

It's a huge leap to assume that PTSD is the underlying cause of the alcoholism. Even if it were true, if he wanted treatment for PTSD, he would need to get the alcoholism well under control first.