Drinking while sole charge of DC

[WayWithWords]

What would you think about someone who drunk 2 bottles of wine at night (and possibly some G&Ts too) while in sole charge of their 3-year-old DC?

Drinking once DC had gone to bed, but the only adult in the house that night. No adult there in the morning either, so responsible for getting up with DC in the morning and entertaining them for the day.

What's the difference? Party? Or at home? Christening or a Thursday night in February? Still drinking. The affect is the same, presumably.

Does this person drive in the morning? They probably aren't sober until after lunch.

Personally I would never do this but as oblomov says I know many couples who go out and get really drunk and then come home to the kids. I used to babysit and the state of some parents on their return! I felt really uncomfortable with it. That is a lot of alcohol.

Separation, involving lawyers? Well, that implies two adults living together. Assuming one is a heavy drinker and the other isn't then they both look awful. One regularly drinks to excess when in sole charge of a toddler. The other regularly leaves their toddler with a drunkard.

Driving in the morning is not a particular issue, no.

Oblomov - I see the point you're making. If you're drunk, you're drunk, and why you got drunk doesn't really matter. However you might get really drunk at - as you say - a christening, but the point is that's a one-off event. This is just sitting on the sofa working your way through 2 bottles of wine (and possibly more) for no reason other than to satiate your need.

I guess this is a very serious alcohol problem.

Drinking that quantity, alone is a very bad sign. Did the person confide in you that this is what they are drinking, have they come to you as a cry for help?

Wow that's a crazy amount. I'd be passed out if I even had one bottle let alone two.

Well I was under the impression that many many mn'ers open a bottle of wine and share it with their dh, once kids tucked up in bed.

No drinking at home at all? I don't think that's going to happen.

Is the law public intoxication, whilst in charge of a minor? So you would have to be out and about, in public?

Itsnotwhatitseems - sadly, no. Their partner found out.

Person in question is busy sailing down a river called Denial.

This is all a bit cryptic. You know this is an anonymous forum, right? Why are you hiding the person's gender and their relationship to you? What's your involvement here?

Is this a case of you hoping to cure your sister/friend of her alcoholism by telling her she might lose contact with her child if her DH chooses to divorce her now he's discovered her secret drinking?

Oblomov, surely there is a difference between sharing a bottle of wine between two adults and consuming two bottles (plus possible G & Ts) on your own? The difference would be in how drunk you would get and consequently how good your judgment would be in any situation that might affect a child. Would you, for instance notice if the child became ill in the night?

I'm not sure I really care how many adults do it or don't do it; to me, what matters is, is it a responsible thing to do? Would there somebody who can be responsible for the child. Not necessarily drive (there are taxis), but be together enough to wake in an emergency and be able to make a reasonable judgment call.

I'm not knocking people who like a couple of glasses or a bit more . I used to be a drinker who could neck a lot but my kids were much older.

Drinking at least a bottle a night and then spirits is troubling to say the least even without a young child at home

Well I was under the impression that many many mn'ers open a bottle of wine and share it with their dh, once kids tucked up in bed

They do of course. I don't see that anyone is suggesting otherwise, or how that is relevant?

RunRabbit - I'm not trying to be cryptic.

The person is a relative of mine.

I guess I need to confront them (although others in my family have tried already) and I was wondering if the threat of losing contact with their DC - or even worrying whether it might be a possibility - might jog some sense into them.

I know I can't cure them.

I guess I'm still wondering just how bad this problem is, so seeking other opinions. It's very difficult to accept the reality of quite how grim it all is. Especially when they seem to be very high-functioning with their addiction.

But I sense the wheels are starting to come loose.

That's too much. This person will know this. Are you asking how you could help or what the repercussions in a court of law would be?
If you want to help I'd suggest social services.
If it's the legal side I don't know honestly, but I don't think any judge would allow custody to go to a person that drinks so excessively. But I might just be hoping, I really don't know.

Sorry x post. I still think the kid needs ss intervention. In the sense that impartiality, with the child's best interest at heart, is important.

I don't think they would contest custody/residence. But it's got to the stage where their partner (understandably) would not feel comfortable letting their DC stay with them alone overnight.

DC is not in physical danger when this person has been drinking, per se, but with the amount being consumed it's - in my opinion - pretty negligent.

I would feel the same if I was mum to this DC.

This person has a drink problem. That amount is heading into supervised detox territory, meaning it could be unwise for them to just quit alone.

I'm a former heavy drinker, denied my issues for years, I probably drank a similar amount tbh, it's a worrying amount.

You say you know you can't cure them but at the same time you are asking for tips on how to talk the alcoholic into stopping drinking.

Even if your statement of the bleeding obvious does miraculously lead the alcoholic relative to seek help it will take a long time and hard work to get themselves straight.

If you really want to help then shift attention away from the alcoholic and onto the child and other parent. Maybe talk to the sober parent and ask if they need any help. Maybe offer to babysit once a week while she goes to Al-Anon.

Wise words, RunRabbit.

Basically everyone else in the family (including their partner) has confronted this person about their drinking. I have yet to do so. Weirdly, this person probably listens to me more than others in the family. I'm kind of like the last line of defence. If what I say falls on deaf ears, that's it.

So I'm trying to arm myself with as much ammunition as possible, while accepting it's largely futile.

I just want to have at least tried.

Sober parent is getting support from rest of family.

It's just so very depressing.

does this person function in day to day life. Is it clear to others they are drinking, I had a relative who even when sober sounded drunk, with slurred inaudible speech etc. Some alcoholics do function well and their 'secret' stays hidden but its more likely others are also aware of the problem.

Depending on how close you are, I would tell them exactly what you fear may happen, and try and support them in giving up, directing them to support groups, dr etc, losing contact with you DC would be a massive wake up call to a lot of people.

Do you know how or why the person started drinking so much?

Wise words indeed RunRabbit.

The 3cs re alcoholism are indeed prescient here:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

I would be talking to Al-anon as they are very helpful with family members of problem drinkers like you describe. Confrontations from family members towards the alcoholic rarely if ever work out well and I am not at all surprised to see that it has made no difference whatsoever.

You need to help your own self first. The sober parent also needs the support of Al-anon; family members can be too over invested and do their bit to further enable the alcoholic. The sober parent certainly needs to detach. As do you.

Sadly losing children often doesn't have much impact either. It's not about listening to other people - it's about the person admitting it to themself.

This person has long been a heavy drinker. But what began as heavy drinking and someone who likes to party has, over the course of many years, clearly become a heavy dependence on booze.

Many years in the military (now left) combined with PTSD and other day-to-day life stresses has brought this all to a head. Civilian life has exposed the level and frequency of drinking - no-one in our family was really aware before. So it's been relatively well hidden, but now it's starting to unravel a bit.

This person functions - hold down job etc - but has had several benders in past 2 years where they've gone out at night and not come home. Usual sob story as to their whereabouts.

A turning point in my realisation as to the extent of the issue is them starting to lie about, minimise, or cover up the amount they are drinking. Plus this person has started borrowing (and not repaying) money from family members, despite holding down a seemingly good job.

Attila - I know I need to detach. I've been wracked with emotion watching this unfold for the past 18 months or so, but am getting so fed up with their behaviour that I'm feeling strangely detached about it all now. I know it's futile for me to confront them about it, but on some level I feel I have to. I feel I owe them that. Or maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better for when I inevitably have to walk away and leave them to it.

Partee. Why not. Baby would sleep through. Pan au chocolat for brekky!