Lots of resonance for me in what you say, OP.
For me, having my second child was the trigger for realising that I really had no idea who I was. I think this was because it was the point where I finally became an adult (DC2 had a complex birth and I had to woman up and take control of impending medical mayhem). Also, the arrival of my children had triggered a reprise of the kind of bad behaviour in my family of origin that characterised my childhood, except that this time round I was a bit more awake to it, thanks to the support of my wonderful DP, and the fact that my relationship with him was a healthy model for interpersonal relations by comparison.
I did a lot of reading, the Toxic Parents book and various similar things, plus pop psychology generally, and then did web-based life coaching, which enabled me to get a better sense of what makes me happy and what I value in myself (being web-based instead of face-to-face was more reflective, I found, though I am not neurotypical, which may make a difference). I wrote a lot of lists of things I wanted to do/be/have and also wrote a lot generally (creative writing, journalling, dream diaries, fanfic, etc). DP and I talk a lot about my FOO and how awful they are (less now, tbf), but I don't get on well with counselling - too flitty a mind, so I leap from thought to thought, never really finish sentences and allude to things in a shorthand that DP can follow but no one else, which is too frustrating to be constructive. I think and daydream a lot and have a very active inner life, which has guided me well, now that I trust it, in identifying the things that make me happy and make me me, most of which were extremely well buried under, as you say, a great deal of people-pleasing. For example, I was well into my 40s before I remembered what career I had originally wanted, and realised I still wanted desperately - I had literally forgotten all about it and had wasted years running in the diametrically opposite direction from this ambition. Realising things, insights, lighbulb moments carry you so far towards the things that are right for you. Making them happen is often the easy bit after that. It sounds like you are on the road already, OP. The unconscious mind is such a powerful thing, it can hold you back but it can also propel you once you allow it.
15+ years on, I am finally quite solid about who I am, what I want, how I can be of value to the world in my own small way, and how to go about all that in a way that honours my inner self, but it's been a bit two-steps-forward-one-back, and I've fucked up a fair bit along the way, both in terms of personal decision-making and of my FOO. I am now NC with the parent who is the source of the problem (the other is dead) and also with most of my siblings, who are all pretty fucked up too. I still have a tendency to be a bit passive in my dealings with people, but am finally making strides with calm assertiveness, which eluded me for a long time. Probably contributing to that is the fact that the NC decision followed an explosive family row in which a great many things that were decades overdue were said, and not only did the sky not fall down but I felt a whole bloody lot better afterwards.
I don't think it helps that our society is quite coercive too, particularly of women, in terms of being socially/culturally compliant, which acts to reinforce the skill of keeping your head below the parapet that a lot of us developed in childhood - I'm talking about, eg, body fascism, mansplaining, workplace bullying etc. I think we are more vulnerable to their effects than people who had healthier parenting, which tends to revictimise us regularly and sets us back in our journey.
Hope any of that might help, OP, feel free to PM me. 
to all who have survived abusive parenting, may you continue to survive and thrive. Special hello to Lottapianos who I recognise from the estranged parents thread that caused such consternation on that other forum. 