If you were emotionally abused in childhood have you found it hard to develop your own personality?

[Clapwhenyourehappy]

I was emotionally and at times physically abused as a child and as a result of this I have never really been able to develop my own identity or personality, and even now, at age 40, I don't feel like I really know what type of person I am, or much about myself.

As a child my dad in particular was very controlling and angry. I was told off if I was or looked miserable, I was told off if I was too happy, I was told off if I enjoyed myself or was too friendly with someone, or not friendly enough with them. I wasn't allowed friends, so don't have a group of life long friends whom I've grown up with. I was told constantly that I was awful, evil, nasty, miserable, and various other things.

As a result I have grown up as a people pleaser, and with poor boundaries. My boundaries are a bit better now and I think I am less of a people pleaser, but it plays on my mind more and more that I just don't have a sense of 'self' or a strong sense of who I am. I feel as though my mind is a huge crowded jumble of different thoughts and personalities, I guess because I grew up having to second guess what moods my parents would be in all the time and fitting in accordingly?

I am so envious of people who have a strong sense of who they are. I was wondering if anyone else can identify with how I feel and if anyone has any advice about developing my 'self' and about improving boundaries,

I have been N/C with my parents now for about 5 years, and this has helped but I still feel the classic FOG a lot, especially the guilt part if I do anything my parents wouldn't approve of (which really, is a lot of things as they never approved of anything I did!). I have also had counselling which again helped a bit but I still feel very damaged from my childhood.

You describe very eloquently what I'm trying to do MrsLupo - I'm taking inspiration from you!

It took me years to accept that my family were horribly abusive. I went through two severe depressions and one breakdown at a young age but I still thought it was me thst was the problem.

I went low contact. I took my medication. I looked into mindfulness and a specific meditation routine that helped me just be me. I also made sure that I was never in a position to have to move back home (which is what they wanted).

I also realised that I didn't know many basic things. I didn't have a favourite food (because who did I think I was to have any opinion on the food that was given to me?). I didn't know many basic things like what my favourite colours, activities, films and auch things were. I was a shell of a person that still did what I had been taught to do at home even if I didn't want to.

So I explored the basics. I discovered that I had a sense of humour, I was a fairly decent cook and that I was a good person. I ignored their voices in my head and did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to.

I started a new job recently and through it I have access to a therapist. He is very interested in my journey and has given me some brilliant tips and advice. He seconded the reading of 'toxic parents' and another book on building self esteem. He is also encouraging me to journal and build a framework for me to discover more about myself.

It is hard and I have just had another birthday that has been ignored apart from an abusive phone call and series of texts. But I will get better and I will be free.

MrsLupo

There's a really good article about gaslighting in the Guardian today - I recognised a lot of it, some of you may do too. The author makes spot on links between being gaslighted in a relationship and how the Trump administration are attempting to gaslight the whole world at the moment

Guardian