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Original poster

Feeling letdown over hen night

53 replies

startingover231 · 09/03/2017 22:36

I'm wondering if I am justified in feeling let down by my friend attending OW's hen night? XH left me after almost 25 years for OW about 2 & 1/2 years ago. They're now getting married next month. When we split up , inevitably after so many years we had a number of joint friends and I have tried really hard to not mind that some of our friends have stayed in contact with him and therefore by default come into contact with 'her' too. I never wanted any of my friends to feel 'in the middle' between us and I made that clear in the beginning.
I'm not particularly bothered that they're getting married, as far as I'm concerned they're both cheats and deserve each other. I've tried not to mind that our grown up children are attending his wedding and indeed that my DD is being a bridesmaid or that some of our friends are going to the wedding, but I was floored this evening to hear from my daughter that one of my good friends is going to the OW's hen night! Her DH is one of my XH's closest friends so I'm not surprised he is going to his stag night but I am quite hurt that someone I consider to be 'my' friend is going to her hen night.
How would you feel about that? Am I being unreasonable?
Would you say something and risk losing her friendship? Or is the fact she's going to the hen night an indication of 'sidetaking' that you couldn't forgive?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 10/03/2017 07:55

Surely your DD being a bridesmaid is the bigger issue here?

The hen do, is her choice (albeit the wrong one, in my eyes) but, what your DD is doing is just so wrong.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 10/03/2017 08:29

Don't be scared to vocalise how you feel OP. Your daughter, particularly, is behaving in a very cruel fashion.

picklemepopcorn · 10/03/2017 08:35

I'd ask her, say you were a bit surprised to hear she's going, and wonder if they are close friends now. See what she says. It may not have crossed her mind that it is a sensitive situation, as you have behaved with such grace and dignity. Or they may be good friends now in which case, time to ditch!!

picklemepopcorn · 10/03/2017 08:39

How old is DD? I suppose she may see it as building bridges, moving forward... Perhaps she thinks she is being dignified in the same way you were? That to say 'no' would be vindictive and judgmental. The relationship is established as a fact now and this is just the recognition of it. I don't think that, by the way, I'm just wondering if she does.

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 10/03/2017 09:33

I can't believe the posters saying the DD is doing wrong by being bridesmaid. It is her dads wedding, no matter how the OP feels it isn't right to try and force her DD to take sides, she should be able to have a good relationship with both parents without worrying about upsetting OP.

Wrt your friend I'd imagine she's in a fairly awkward position being married to your XHs best friend. She probably has to interact with the OW a lot, she may just feel that seeing as she will have to be around her she might as well try and be nice.

I doubt she's doing this to hurt you although I don't think you're wrong to be hurt.

Mermaidinthesea · 10/03/2017 09:38

Sorry she would no longer be a friend of mine.

Fishface77 · 10/03/2017 09:46

stop being so dignified and nice. It gets you nowhere but hurt (imo).
I would tell my daughter I wasn't happy about her being bridesmaid to the woman who broke up our family and I would not have mutual friends. They would pick sides and if they couldn't pick sides they would have the decision made for them.
There's dignified and there's walk over. I know I'm all bitter and vindictive but how fucking dare they!
Dump the "friend" op, you sound great and I'm sure you've got more and better friends!

specialsubject · 10/03/2017 09:52

The woman didn't break up the family, the man who was in it did. Trouble is that he is still daughters father.

Original poster
startingover231 · 10/03/2017 10:07

I think you're right that I e tried to be so reasonable that my friend probably doesn't realise she's hurting me, as for my DD being bridesmaid. I have tried so hard not to be bitter in front of my kids. They know their dad did wrong and they think he's a knob for throwing away our good life but they feel betrayed enough by him without me dripping more poison! He's still their dad and she agreed to be bridesmaid because she didn't want to upset him as she still loves him. She knows I love her enough to rise above it and allow her to have a relationship with her dad which inevitably includes having a relationship with OW! I don't want my children to grow up damaged anymore than they already are by his shitty actions! Maybe that does make me a walkover in some people's eyes but I am trying to help my children see that I am a strong woman who can rise above being treated so abysmally!

OP posts:
WarwickDavisAsPlates · 10/03/2017 11:19

Starting over: I think you're doing the right thing. My mum was very bitter after her divorce, did everything she could to ruin our relationship with our dad and getting everyone to take sides.

It ruined my relationship with my dads side of the family and it ruined my relationship with her as I can't forgive her for putting me in that position.

Well done for being strong and reasonable, I don't think you're being a walkover, I think you're being a good example to your children and providing them with an emotionally stable home.

TeethDrama · 10/03/2017 11:41

OP you are going completely right (imo) by your dd.

The friend though... at best thoughtless, at worst selfish and disloyal. She could have made a really good excuse for hen night and still continued to be pleasant and polite to OW. Going on hen night is surplus to requirements. OW may well feel she had to invite your friend because of the men's friendship and feel dismayed that your friend accepted.

JoJoSM2 · 10/03/2017 11:44

I think you just need to move on. You're still very bitter despite being in a new relationship and seem to think of yourself as a victim who's oh so lovely to everyone... I think that once you genuinely move on, you won't mind your children having a good relationshipship with their own father or won't feel threatened by your friend being friends with the bride-to-be. As their partners are close friends, it's only natural that they spend time together as couples too and have befriended each other.

Fishface77 · 10/03/2017 11:44

Like I said op, I would be bitter and vindictive, you are definitely the better more dignified person.
I'm just a nasty cow who would act first and think later.

Bitchycocktailwaitress · 10/03/2017 11:52

My god! No useful advise here but wanted to say it is utterly pathetic that this pair are having hen and stag nights. It's hardly their last night of freedom is it?

Obviously being previously married they already did this and made a fucking mockery of the concept.

OP Flowers and I would quietly ditch your friend.

80sMum · 10/03/2017 11:55

OP, YANBU. I think, given the circumstances in which the relationship between your exH and the OW came about, it's very, very selfish and inconsiderate - and vulgar (or tacky, or something to that effect) - of them to be having a stag night, a hen night and a big wedding with bridesmaids etc. A wedding born out of such painful and hurtful circumstances should surely be a quiet, discreet ceremony with minimal fuss?

I have never understood how anyone can make a happy situation for themselves at the expense of the happiness of others.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/03/2017 12:05

I would be hurt too. I guess as her DH is such a close pal of your ex it would follow she would lean towards the 'dark side'.

You are trying to be as reasonable as possible regarding their wedding and DD being a bridesmaid and so many mutual friends attending. Flowers

Glad you have someone new in your life, in time you will surely make new friends too.

Loopytiles · 10/03/2017 12:34

Not great that your DD feels she has to pander to her father on this totally unreasonable request, especially when this is so clearly to your detriment.

Suggest a book called "a woman in your own right" on assertiveness, for both of you.

As a PP says there is dignity, and there is being too passive.

Original poster
startingover231 · 10/03/2017 13:04

Ouch JoJo! You mistake my post ! I'm neither bitter or a victim! I presume you've never been in that position yourself! I was just confused my feelings towards my friend attending the hen night and whether that's unreasonable! For what it's worth I feel completely betrayed by what I thought was a stable marriage to a good man not being who I thought he was! I can't imagine even time will change that! I am not trying to be nice! I just believe children have two parents and as adults it's their choice to have or not have a relationship with their dad without me expressing an opinion on his morals.

OP posts:
Original poster
startingover231 · 10/03/2017 13:08

Loopy I don't think my DD is pandering to his request! She just loves us both and doesn't want to be stuck in the middle. Personally I don't think not being nasty about him is being passive.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 10/03/2017 13:12

Your a great parent starting.
Wish I was a grown up like you. WinkFlowers

camaleon · 10/03/2017 13:23

startingover231, It is a difficult one. I guess I would be very hurt by all of this and the wedding would reopen many wounds. I believe it may be a good idea to tell your daughter that you don't want to know many details about the wedding (beyond her having a good time) because it is awkward.

Your ex has moved onto another relationship. While this will never change for you, she is not longer the OW. They are a couple now. Your daughter is going to her dad's wedding not to the OW's wedding. As for your friend, I would try to forget this if she is a good friend in other ways. It is strange she didn't tell you if you are close though.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 10/03/2017 13:28

I don't think a true friend to you would go, to be honest.

Loopytiles · 10/03/2017 13:37

It seems really unlikely DD actually wants to: she has suppressed her feelings and prioritised her father's, who has behaved really badly. Suggests she might have issues with asserting her own needs and wishes.

As you seem to do with your mutual friends. There is a vast difference between being nasty about your ex (aggressive) and explaining to close friends how you would feel about them being friendly with him and OW.

Loopytiles · 10/03/2017 13:38

DD attending the wedding would be different: being a bridesmaid seems like "swallowing the shit sandwich"!

UpYerGansey · 10/03/2017 13:41

Starting, can I just say I salute your poise and grace under fire. I'm sure I'd be a seething bundle of rage in your shoes.

If I were your friend, I would not dream of going to this hen night. They are dreadful events at the best of times (sorry to anyone that enjoys) but it would majorly stick in my craw that any friend of mine was cosying up in this way to the ow.

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