Husband tells me I'm fat and have to lose weight

[Fedupd0tcom]

So my dh and I have just had a massive row.

We were talking about how I was messed around when I was pregnant by Drs being rude to me in their tone. He said 'oh they were probably off with you because of your weight'. FFS! I started crying.

I know I'm fat. I'm a size 18 on a good day. I also have pcos and despite many attempts I have always been this size thanks to bloody pcos. I was this size when he married me. He knows this. He's seen me try umpteen diets. He goes baking bloody apple crumble all the time I say I'm on a diet. Supportive much? And gets in a strop if I want to have a salad etc for dinner even if I've made him something substantial.

When I got angry he reiterated that he fancied me although actions speak louder than words and there has been very little action in that department of late. Need I say more. He's never been very romantic. I also know men and society in general don't like me because I don't fit into the be a Size 12 and under or else category.

I'm just so hurt though. I thought he loved me and accepted me as I am. When he lectured me and I stood up for myself he launched at me with do you want to get diabetes then? Why don't you try to lose weight? Do you want to continue having a bad back?

I've tried to lose weight. The diets didn't work and I can't exercise due to slipped disc.

Thanks dh for making me feel like shit.

And to make it worse he knows that tomorrow it's 2 years since my Dad died and my Mum is v ill. Like I have time to think of myself, being a Mum and trying to work and be there for my Mum. Unsympathetic git! I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do. Just hurt by his insensitivity I guess. I know I'm fat and have to something about it. I don't need him breathing down my neck about it as well. He just doesn't get how hard it is for me. He has a fab job. His parents are fit and well. And he's so slim and fit. I'm the odd one out. The fat one. Thanks for knocking me over the head with that fact dh.

[Fedupd0tcom]

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. I'm unsure what to do about him. They are 2 different issues. Itisnoteasy, whilst yes I should lose weight etc etc I think your comment about my husband being the only one married to fat wife, while true, is deeply presumptious. Also v typical of men. At the end of the day I've always been this size. He married me at this size. You don't marry someone and then chip away at them in an attempt to change them. Men can't stand it if we try to change them. Why is it acceptable for men to dictate women's weights though? He chose his fat wife. If he doesn't want to be with me I wish he'd just leave. The weight is a seperate issue and I'm going to see my Dr and get some help to lose it.

[Isthismummy]

itsnoteasybeingdifferent Blubbery? Is that something you used to call your dw to her face before she began to develop her more socially acceptable nice figure for you

The op has stated that her dp actively tries to sabotage her weight loss. There is a much more complicated situation here than the poor dh having to suffer a fat wife while all the other lucky, lucky men have attractive (because according to your post fat equals automatic lack of physical attraction) partners.

[SharkBastard]

I wouldn't pay any heed to itsnoteasy they are clearly very damaged.

[FaithAgain]

Itisnoteasy do you really think that's helpful? You're essentially telling her she needs to lose weight so she's not fat when she's single?

OP your H is not a nice man. He's using this issue to mess with your head. He both criticises your weight then offers you food to help maintain that weight? Honestly, I think you'll find it much easier to lose weight if you are single. Get yours finances sorted, get rid of this horrible man, then get some sound advice on eating well with PCOS (I believe lower carb can help but I also think it's worth asking about metformin as a pp suggested). Do it for you though, not for him!

Fwiw I've lost a fair bit of weight recently (2 stone with SW). I joined because I was unhappy. My DH has been nothing but supportive. He doesn't offer to buy me junk food if he's out because he doesn't want to tempt and derail me. He's told me he's always a fancied me but he thinks I'm very sexy now because I'm more confident. That's how you encourage someone to lose weight and stick with it. Not how your H is doing it. He doesn't want you to succeed, you know that, right? He wants to keep you exactly as you are so he can make you miserable Get rid. I genuinely think you'll be happier.

[Isthismummy]

Fedupd0tcom Lose weight for YOU if you want, but in relation to your dh and his treatment of you it is a red herring.

He just wants a stick to beat you with and your weight is a convenient stick. If you had a different physicality he would just choose something else to focus on. You'd be too thin/short/tall etc etc...

[Fedupd0tcom]

Hi FrenchLavender. I've tried a low carb way of eating and have lost a stone on it. Managed to keep half of it off. Need to go back on it. Unfortunately I binge when I'm upset and need to get help for that and stop. I don't know how to stop though.

[Ellisandra]

FFS itisnoteasy, no, women don't just sleep with rich men because we're impressed by their money

OP, I expect you'd find it much easier to lose weight if you could focus on it and not be held back by your bullying sabotaging husband

Being overweight is affecting your self esteem and confidence. He likes you that way because you're easier to bully and he has an easy target to be nasty about - your weight.

So, get rid of him.

On the actual weight loss: I'm PCOS too. When I had IVF I was actually known amount the sonographers for the number of cysts - during scans to count them, they'd give up part way through and say "that'll do"!
Low carb high fat worked for me.

But whatever diet you choose, I think that SUPPORT is the important factor. Ditch him.

[DevelopingDetritus]

The only weight you need to lose is the lump that's saying it to you.

[Ellisandra]

There are three ways to stop binging when you are upset:

1. Address why you have that response (not a quick thing to do)
   

1. Actively change for another response - if you want to binge, go for a walk, take a bath, make yourself drink a litre of water first... (easier to implement)
   

1. get rid of the thing that is making you upset in the first place

[Isthismummy]

And I know that because I've been there myself. Years ago I had a charming partner who told me I was getting a little bit too "curvy" for his liking. This was at the massive weight of 8 stone and 7 pounds (I'm 5,4) I lost 8 pounds and next thing I knew I was being criticised for looking too skinny in my summer dresses

Men like that just want power over you and they choose out physical appearance because the beauty myth tells women that our looks are the most important commodity we have.

[SharkBastard]

Getting rid of that DH will help with the emotional eating I'm sure.

[sofiainwonderland]

Your DH is an asshole. Dump him.

[FaithAgain]

<a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/Brain-over-Binge-Conventional-Recovered/dp/0984481702?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">link to Brain over binge this is an excellent book to challenge binge eating habits. It's really helped me.

[Janet80]

You sound very very negative about your weight OP. You sound a bit depressed. First thing you need to do is take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask if you are happy, happy with him and happy with the way your life is going. If you're not, then next thing is to make a plan and be positive about it. YOU CAN DO THIS! Say to yourself, I can do this. I will change things. Little steps OP.
Losing weight is 80 diet and 20% exercise, get your food right and you are well on the way. Diets do work...if you stick to them. Slimming world, weight watchers, whatever floats your boat. I have done both and they both work...when I stick to them. Apple crumble is not on the menu I'm afraid!

[PhoenixJasmine]

Ah that makes sense, misery. Yeah I wouldn't recommend ending things in the heat of the moment, although sometimes things happen, strong emotions can be difficult to contain. Make a firm exit plan, get practical & emotional support, protect yourself and your child(ren) for any potential financial or legal fallout. But don't feel that you should just put up with this treatment.

itsnoteasy are you male? To me it does not come across that this man sounds insecure or out of his depth at all - he comes across as manipulative and vindictive. As for all that about being the one with the fat wife, or taking courage to walk into a room with a woman that everyone else wants to fuck - well, I think I can speak for many women, we often don't take kindly to men who value us primarily for our fuckability factor and use us as a trophy to win pissing contests with other men. Neither are we so superficial as to be easily impressed with money. A lot of us are very capable of earning our own money! Modern times, eh.

It's great that your wife is managing to lose weight, if that is what she wants to do for herself. It does not mean that the OP is using her PCOS as an excuse not to 'just eat less'. That came across as hideously patronising. As if you believed OP wouldn't have thought about 'just eating less' until you advised her.

[Ellisandra]

I know the real issue here is your bastard husband.

But - good, you know that low carb works for you. So - stop putting up the barrier that PCOS means you can't lose weight! Don't beat yourself up for the binges - and definitely don't use them as a reason not to try. The trick with a binge is not to give up because of it. As long as the overall trend is down, nobody is going to shoot you for some gains when you have binged. And in time, especially without the arsehole around, I bet you feel the urge to binge less

TBH, I'd delight in not eating his apple crumble I'd mentally rename it sabotage pie and ENJOY foiling his nasty tricks to undermine me

[humourless]

My husband is a all or nothing guy with regards to weight. So he's now on the Diet Chef, it's a bit pricey but he's lost a stone in two weeks.... he probably has another two to lose. I don't care how heavy he is except for how he moans about not fitting into clothes. I love him regardless but fancy him more when he's fitter and slimmer. That may be because he's happier or because he's physically more attractive, I'm not sure.

[Fedupd0tcom]

Haha Ellisandra...believe me I often turn down his bloody apple crumble. Moron! He'll be all blah blah lose weight diabetes etc etc and then I try to do the low carb thing and he's scathing and if he's offered to cook us dinner it'll be with loads of potatoes and rice....which I'll try to have less off but for someone who hates having such a fat wife he really has no clue.

[Bakedappleflavour]

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent

Are you a time traveller?

What a load of misogynistic crap.

[Fedupd0tcom]

Low carb eating is a load a of nonsense.... bread fills you up. Can't lose weight without it. Why do you always want skimmed milk. How's that going to help you? There's no room for it in the fridge....yup....his support....

[Fedupd0tcom]

The above is what he's said about my attempts to lose weight

[Fedupd0tcom]

So not only does he want me to lose weight he wants to heavily control how I do it too and has me questioning everything. When I do WW he's in a strop at how I want low fat dairy and find it difficult to eat out. When I do SW he's annoyed I can't eat more bread. I can't win

[rollonthesummer]

How does he want you to lose weight?

[PhoenixJasmine]

rollon - with my armchair psychologist hat on I'd say he doesn't really want her to lose weight. He wants to keep her in her place, belittle and control her, she should be grateful he's with her. This makes him feel 'like a man', and he can still have sex with other women who conform more to his pornified view of attractiveness on the side as well anyway. If OP lost loads of weight, took up exercise classes and looked like a Victoria Secrets model, he'd just find something else to use against her - not spending enough time with him, not having enough sex, not liking the food she's eating, the way she dresses or something.

It is really not about the weight.

[cosytoaster]

Concentrate on valuing yourself now and focus on eating healthily, I'm losing weight very slowly but sustainably by doing this rather than a planned diet. Your DH is a fucking idiot, seriously think if he is bringing anything good to your life, I think Isthismummy is right, your weight is convenient way to undermine you, lose the weight and he'll just find something else to criticise.