anyone here dealt with a psycopath/sociopath and what to tall about it?

[secretgardens]

Not really sure what I'm looking for from this other than validation and encouraging words from anyone who's been through similar. How do you get over it? The realisation that the whole person was a sick compulsive liar with a completely fabricated character?
The anger? The self blame and anger at yourself for missing all the signs?
Someone please tell me this gets better.

Jesus. 20 years? I can't imagine

I would love to have councilling or similar but can't afford it. Logically I know it will get better, buts it's taking a lot longer than I thought it would.
I'm angry that all that love and loyalty I gave was wasted on that piece of shit. I could have been with someone real but now I have to start over with these wounds and I'm too scared to meet people even if I wanted to. I'm scared what's been done to me will mean I'm alone forever.
I don't feel safe because of all of those things.

secretgarden I have been referred via my WA worker, perhaps your GP can help you get in counselling, or you may have a local WA that can help.

Thank you dawn. I think I may need to see my gp again. I went when it first happened as I was so traumatised and anxious I could barely function, and although she was sympathetic all she offered me was pills for the anxiety which I'd rather not be on
Not sure about womens aid. He never layed a finger on me, in fact very rarely did he even raise his voice to me. I have wished he had touched me, sick I know but at least then we would have some evidence of the damage, and he would have faced the consequences.

As science moves forwards with brain imaging I suspect the diagnostic criteria will change and there will be greater knowledge to supplement DSM and perhaps the categories will change. It may also be based on physical evidence from brain activity.

Secret, I can understand your shock, most of us have not been conditioned to look out for these behaviours, someone with a history of crime is at least obvious but for most of us it is a case of a Wolf in sheep's clothing.It does trigger a distrust that feels deep.

I think many of us can relate to your experience and I suspect PD is under diagnosed.

It's not sick to wish he had harmed you physically - that's something that's tangible and something everyone else has to acknowledge.

He wasn't violent but did he threaten violence or sexual violence? If he did you might be able to get into NHS trauma counselling but if not (NHS trauma services are usually based on DSM criteria for PTSD which doesn't include emotional trauma if other criteria isn't present - not that I agree with that) some more general counselling might be available.

secret I do think you need counselling. I'd ask your GP - you could get referred. It's helped me immensely. Then you do see that it's not you. It's them. It's easier to deal with once you aren't having to deal with self blame. Can you get angry at him yet?

I am angry at him. I hate his guts and often wish/fantasise about him dying a horrible death.
He never threatened me, I was never scared of him until after the relationship ended.

Only thing that could be interpreted as a threat is when he said something after which I assumed to be him referring to a fight he had with another man in which the man was left with life long injuries.
But that was what he told me had happened and I don't even know if that's true now. If it did it was years before we met and he told me that little tale in one of his little secret sharing exercises about 4 months in.
Why didn't I run away then?

OK, so you won't meet criteria for PTSD but some counselling may be available through GP? Or through your employer if you work? Are there any female-specific counselling services in your area you can refer to? There is one in my city who provide some free and some donation-based counselling for women for all sorts of issues.

If you feel damaged by someone who appears to have had no consequences and you're powerless to do anything; it would be more unusual to not have thoughts/wishes like you describe. It's healthy to have reached that level of anger even though it feels shit because there's nothing you can actually do with those thoughts/feelings.

Thank you denim. I think it's time to start looking into councilling now, I was hoping to be feeling alot better than I am by now.
I don't want to talk to friends about it any more as I get the impression they think I should be over it more by now. Just meet somone else and all that. I have thought about getting out there just dating but the thought of it is too much to be honest, and makes me realise how much more healing I've got to do.

Why didn't you run away then? Probably because you felt (or had it presented to you) as bonding. You felt/he made you feel that he was telling you things because he trusted you, there was something about you that was so different to everyone else he'd met before that he could open up and tell you the worst things about him and you'd understand. And more than that; he was only telling you because you were so special and so important that he wanted you to know all about him, even if it didn't look good because he felt like you were the one and didn't ever want to lie or hide things from you.

It was a boundary he tested which was probably in a series of boundaries he'd already tested and flown through. What will happen if I tell her I'm capable of being someone very different to how I seem now even when it includes extreme violence?

You won't make that mistake again. You've learned from it.

Time, therapy, no contact, support forums www.psychopathfree.com/
For like minded people and support. I read a lot of literature on the subject. It takes time to get through all the anger, sadness and hurt but you do get through. They are very disordered people, it's not you.

See if you can access a low cost therapy service in your area. You might have to wait a bit but you could pay on a sliding scale. Private therapists often have a few low cost places that they offer.

That's exactly it denim. That's why I called it a secret sharing exercise, it was something he did that I realise was weird now, not always secrets but what do you like, what would you do if this or that happened but in a strange way, I dunno hard to explain it really.
I do know he didn't tell his previous ex about that particular incident, among other things, which is what makes me think maybe it's not true. But I wouldn't put anything past him.

Thanks dead souls, that website is fantastic but they are not taking new forum members so it's the speaking to people I'm struggling with. There are lots of Facebook groups and forums for narc survivors but he isn't one so not really helpful to me.

Oh how weird not taking new members. I wonder if they are oversubscribed.
There is a on FB called
After Narcissistic Abuse

Melanie Tonia Evans has some excellent blog posts and videos, (even if her healing methods seems far out, take what you like and leave the rest)

Baggage Reclaim

Thrive After Abuse - this lady is on YouTube and posts lots of informative videos. There is also a forum and website page

Sounds like a sophisticated abuser which points away from ASPD but we won't dig up that debate and I don't think it is really relevant. It doesn't matter whether he fits any criteria or not - what is important is how he has made you feel and the damage he has done.

Have you had no contact for a year? You're completely free of him but struggling to process/move on?

What makes you say that's abusive rather than disordered? I've never thought of him as being an abuser, like I said he never touched me, rarely raised his voice to me we hardly ever argued, was always generous there was no cycle of abuse just perfect fast beginnings to nothing in the end. No ups and downs really.
Yes no contact for a year now.

It sounds like emotional abuse which can be, (I'm generalising), very confusing and insidious as there isn't a physical manifestation of abuse or something definite thing that happened that you could point to. You mention the things he didn't do, but not the things he did do. Was it silent treatments, control and manipulation? Manipulation can be very difficult to spot when you're being manipulated.

genuine question here (I'm not being facetious honest) does it matter whether it's emotional abuse or sociopathic/pyschopathic behaviour? We're looking at the OP healing not the abuser.

my counsellor thought my abuser abused me (emotionally) and was disordered. But I'm not sure it matters if you just want to move on does it?

waving I agree. It was another poster not the OP who had a bee in their bonnet about it.

Btw OP you don't have to justify yourself here, re: diagnosis or not. In the end, what matters is the experience you endured and what you have been left with. Your experience is valid and it is real.

If we're talking about ASPD (not the online/Hollywood 'psychopath' who's intelligent, cunning and plotting) one of the primary features of the disorder is lack of impulse control and failure to plan ahead.

They usually lack the sophistication and executive functioning to 'play a long game'. They lack impulse control and are geared towards immediate gratification. They couldn't plan that far ahead or maintain a facade for long even if the potential rewards were great. ASPDs are usually stuck in early development. Have you seen the studies with primary school children when they're given a sweet and told they can eat it now or wait 5 minutes and have 2 sweets? Most children can't wait even though the reward for waiting is greater than what they can get immediately. ASPDs are usually those kids that can't wait.

That's why so many come into contact with the criminal justice system. They're the people that see a car or house with poor security and break in. Or want money and see a Gran and push her over and take her bag because it's easy.

Conning people can be a feature of the disorder but it's short term cons; getting money out of vulnerable people with quick lies and a quick response. Wouldn't be long term online relationship cons for example because they don't have the executive functioning to remember all the aspects of their lies and keep it all in order and they'd get bored too quickly anyway because immediate gratification is key.

Your bloke sounds like he was playing a long game and able to maintain a facade for a prolonged period of time.