anyone here dealt with a psycopath/sociopath and what to tall about it?

[secretgardens]

Not really sure what I'm looking for from this other than validation and encouraging words from anyone who's been through similar. How do you get over it? The realisation that the whole person was a sick compulsive liar with a completely fabricated character?
The anger? The self blame and anger at yourself for missing all the signs?
Someone please tell me this gets better.

[secretgardens]

No silent treatments no control we both trusted each other completely (hahaha)
He was always very attentive, generous and almost too good to be true.
The only time we argued was when things caught up with him from before, fines debts someone warning me against him.
Obviously I realise lying to someone the way he does is a form of manipulation in itself. I think all that good stuff was manipulation too.
No contact for a year but there were practical elements to deal with up until 6 months ago.

[secretgardens]

He might have been playing the long game with me but there were very many short term cons over a very long time that I found out about after. He has been involved with criminal justice system obviously I can't give details but just petty really stupid stuff that he must have known would get found out which points to a lack of impulse control.
He also ate the sweet, the first sweet stupid 21 year old that would open her legs for him.
Anyway I know all the features. I've done alot of reading.

[secretgardens]

Thank you deadpool, aspd or nasty bastard I wouldn't wish what he's done to me on my worst enemy.

[TheCuriousOwl]

I have experienced what you are describing and how I dealt with it was no contact, not for years, and thanking my lucky stars that I got away as I reckon I would be dead or have been hospitalised by now. Mine was sadistic though as well as having diagnosed and untreated personality disorders. He's around, I know enough people who know him to be able to keep tabs on his whereabouts so I can avoid him.

Be really thankful you got away. It wasn't you. It was him. The lie was him. And you're not stupid for not seeing it.

[secretgardens]

Thank you, I know it's not me, I know I'm not perfect and there are things I'm working on but I didn't deserve this.
Even though I know that I do still kick myself, one of the things I'm working on.
I do know where he is, and yes I avoid him. Although if I were ever to bump into him I'm not sure who would start running first as he is such a coward. Luckily for me that means he's very unlikely to try any form of contact at all.
I am very lucky I got away when I did. It could have been a lot worse.

[Asparagusupmynose]

I had an ex that was a psychopath and my father was one. I was just repeating the pattern from childhood. My ex had had an abusive childhood. We had that in common, but he minimised mine and told me I was a liar if I ever tried to talk about it. His lies were terrible, he also confessed to having committed violent crimes. It is a way of making you frightened without saying they will hurt you. They want you to know they are capable of it! Mine moved on to violence against me and I knew he would kill me if I didn't get away. The things he said had the greater impact though. I know they still run through my head and impact my decisions. I get angry with myself when I become conscious of it, but it isn't easy to shake off. It takes time. It will get better secret.
I am utterly ashamed of the things I tolerated, it will take time for me to forgive myself for that. I will eventually though.

[secretgardens]

I'm sorry you went through that asparagus.
I do think there are aspects of my childhood that have contributed to me getting into this situation, boundaries is something I'm working on, not sure when I will get to test them in a relationship senario as I'm just to frightened of this happening again.
There's so much work I need to do I don't know where to start. It's overwhelming.

[Asparagusupmynose]

The freedom programme can help you see that it is not your fault and I loved reading about the warning signs. I could look back and think where they were and how I could see if I was in that situation again. Though you wouldn't without having this kind of training. I was shocked by the not angry thing that is taught. When I looked back, I knew that what I was calling anger wasn't, he was in control of himself the whole time. It is £10 for the online course or I think they offer local groups, if you can get to one.
Reading things by Robert Hare is interesting too, he has done a lot of work with psychopaths. I read stuff by Hare and confronted my ex, he said he wasn't mentally ill. He said, " I just don't have the range of emotions other people have." He eventually confessed that he'd never loved anyone and wasn't capable of it. He said I was the closest he had gotten. After I had left him, he told me noone would ever love me the way he did. I said, "No, they won't because life couldn't be that fucking cruel!"
At times I was in situations where I decided that as long as I was breathing in and out, then I was coping and the rest would follow when I was ready. Don't be too hard on yourself. You can't deal with it all at once, give yourself time.
Also, don't go on a date whilst ovulating, we find their survival instinct attractive when ovulating. Remember they usually go for women who have high levels of empathy, who are confident and outgoing (because we won't runaway when things suddenly become bad, we try to help them). They don't just go for the meek, as most of us think.
I hope this helps.

[Tomhardylaughing]

So you were with someone for 3 years that never physically hurt you or threatened you and you rarely argued. There were 'no ups and downs', he was 'always attentive and generous' and then he cheated on you which obviously hurt you a great deal and you've now concluded he's a psychopath because you can't get over?

[JeffreyNeedsAHobby]

My ex was similar. Held down a very technical job, super confident, alpha male, charming, well read. Had a history of 'minor' run in's with the police - fights in town when drunk, car towed when he left it for months and 'forgot' about it, etc. He had some form of body dismorphia too - 3 operations in the two years we were together for no real reason (one very intrusive one which left him immobile for months for the sake of vanity - of course this was while I was pregnant so he could take attention away from me). He had addictions to codine and other opiates, was on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, would drink a bottle of wine in 20mins flat if not faster, kept secrets from everyone - never the same one to keep everyone on their toes and even managed to not tell his work that I was pregnant, walked away from his child at 6 months and hasn't been in contact since and told his new partner I was the crazy one. I still wonder if he has shown his true self. The main thing is the constant wondering why you are triggering this/that/how they seem to over confident, arrogant and belittling 90% of the time and yet allow that 10% of doubt/sob story to peek out at just the right time to make you stay, to help.... Never again.

[secretgardens]

So you come on to the Internet and read some of a thread by someone you don't know, about another person you don't know. A thread asking for support advice and validation by somone obviously having a really hard time, and instead of offering any of that you conclude that it's a good idea to post a half arsed snarky response
Nice. You must be a lovely person that really likes yourself a lot.

[secretgardens]

Thank you to everyone else that have given thoughtful replies. Lots to think about and resources to try. I'm looking at the freedom programme now, and will definatly be doing it when I can afford the fee.
I'm sorry there are so many other that have been through similar. Never again amen to that Jeffrey. Does he pay towards your daughter? Mine also abandoned a child not mine thank god.

[Tomhardylaughing]

I'm going on what you said. On your posts. All of mumsnet is talking about people we don't know.

Post a thread saying my ex cheated on me and I can't get over it and you'd get loads of support. Don't chat about psychopaths and PTSD when you obviously don't know what you're talking about. It's offensive to women who've actually been through it.

[secretgardens]

You obviously didn't read all of my posts.
Don't tell me I didn't go through it because I did. I am going trough it.

[Deadsouls]

tomhardy nasty, very very nasty.

[Dawndonnaagain]

Tom, the op has had a rough time and is trying to understand what has happened to her, perhaps be a touch more gentle.

(I have ptsd due to my treatment by stbxh, I'm not offended, just aware that sometimes just because our problems are different, they are no less valid for being different).

[Deadsouls]

tomhardy
Out of nowhere, you come on this thread, which is not in AIBU, but relationships. You make several assumptions about the OP. You interject with your opinion which has no connection to the rest of the thread, leave your spiteful comment, for what?? What exactly have you got out of doing that?
We've already been through the whole psychopath/sociopath/nasty bastard debate. The fact remains the post is about the OP having experienced abuse which is her reality. How do you know the OP's experience? Are you omnipotent. Go and take your spite elsewhere. And don't get me started on your comment about 'offensive to women who've been through it'. Go away

[WaaGwan]

OP. You're really hurting. I had PTSD (rarely any problems now after great treatment) and I do automatically tense up when people who don't understand it say that they think they have it when they don' t but like Dawnd said, it doesn't mean you aren't struggling with your feelings.

[secretgardens]

Thanks deadpool. I do realise I've not had it anywhere near as bad as other people even other people that have been kind enough to share their experiences on this thread. But that doesn't mean I'm not hurting and that what I've been through isn't awful and life changing. Or that I can't ask for help or even just want to talk about it.
OK I can't diagnose the guy but it was more than that very dismissive post suggests. It wasn't a perfect relationship and then he cheated, obviously there are lots of details I've left out because I don't want myself or him to be identified.
I can't say I've got ptsd only that I feel traumatised. Some people may think that's an over reaction but it's my reality. My reality means I have nightmares and flashbacks that make me sweat and be sick. That I'm scared to go to certain places, scared to meet new people, constantly question people's motives.
Obviously I'm not a doctor so I can't diagnose myself with a disorder but equally unless any doctors here want to give me a consultation and full assessment none of you can say I haven't got it.
What I have been diagnosed with is anxiety, which I'm having to take medication for.
His ex is on the same medication as me, because this is what he does to people.

[WaaGwan]

No you don't have PTSD. PTSD is a reaction to extreme trauma which is so horrific the mind can't process it and so it intrudes into life in other ways.

It's caused by exposure to death or threatened death, serious injury or threatened serious injury or sexual violence or threatened sexual violence. That's the first criteria and if it isn't met then it isn't PTSD. Your posts say it hasn't been.

That's not to say you don't feel traumatised and the way you feel isn't valid though

[Catonsie]

Secret - I understand. I'be had a similar experience.
You will feel better as time goes by, I promise. Now you're sufficiently distanced from your relationship, you will be reliving it in your head, trying to come to terms with it, because it's safe to. After that, it gets easier.
What my relationship left me with is the very deep reluctance to commit to another and the inability to fully explain what happened - which is why I've just deleted the next two paragraphs I wrote. Words cannot convey the experience of having lived with a person who has the character of a sociopath.