Should I say something?

[concernedforher]

A friend of mine has been with her partner for about 10 years. About 5 years ago she got engaged, splashed photos of the down-on-one-knee proposal all over social media. A week later it was all over- turns out he'd been shagging two of his exes for years. It was awful for her, although friends were thinking she'd dodged a bullet as he was rather arrogant and patronising to her.

Fast forward six months and the engagement is back on. She now checks his phone and emails, and he has ditched social media on her say so. Friends are surprised, but supportive, as it's obviously what she wants, and people don't listen to voices of doom do they?

Last week my husband asked me if my friend and partner were still together. Turns out that while away in Edinburgh on business (200 miles from home) he'd seen her partner in the hotel restaurant with another woman. He couldn't be sure, but he thought they were staying at the hotel, and they looked to be more than just friends. They didn't see him. Coincidentally, one of the women he cheated on my friend with is from Edinburgh.

It sounds to me like he's up to his old tricks. But do I tell her? She's a very anxious person, but I think I would want to know if it were me.

Just found out that according to my friend's partner his "training course" was in Birmingham. And he stayed an extra night as he went out drinking with colleagues This screams bullshit to me!

@concernedforher oh please tell this poor girl :(

I'm going to but face to face not by text. I don't think it will go down well, but he's obviously spinning her such a yarn

I absolutely agree that you should tell her. It will be horrible for her to hear but may just possibly save her from a marriage of angst and misery for years. You're a good friend - It sounds like you're doing the right thing for the right reasons. Good luck :-)

Could you "forget" that she said the training course was in Birmingham, and say something like, "It's such a small world DH saw your dp at x hotel in Edinburgh. Must've been when he was off on that training course."

And leave it at that. If she wants to ask more, you can say you'll check with DH, and then produce more details.

But you're not specifically telling her anything but the facts.

If I were her I'd rather be told by email than face to face.

Why is that Loopy? I only ask because it feels very clinical to do it that way.

Fuckyouchris that sounds like a good way in, and I won't be seeing her in person until at least the end of next week so that could account for any forgetfulness...

You're her friend, tell her; if she shoots you then you are well rid; he's already got form, more fool her to actually marry a cheat!

Face to face means she gets the news "fresh" and has to react, or hide her reaction, immediately. Risk of feelings of embarrassment, humiliation etc.

Email gives her chance to consider the information in private.

Email would allow her to digest the info at her own pace without worrying about your reaction to her reaction also. And if she breaks down she won't feel embarrassed if she is alone.

A bit like pregnancy news to women experiencing infertility. (That was my experience, I had a kind friend who alerted me of pregnancies by text so could be prepared to react appropriately rather than trying to suppress wailing!)

I would want to know, but I'd also be devastated. Poor woman! She will be dodging a bullet, but often we are not grateful for that until a long time after the pain subsides.

An email from your friend? I think I'd find that insulting and wonder why you are hiding behind a computer.

Just say that your h said he'd seen her partner in Edinburgh last week.if she's got half a clue then she will start doing her own digging surely?

Yes, I feel sorry for her.

The last time everything came out it must have felt very public to her. Bloody Facebook.

This time though if you tell her face-to-face then nobody else ever needs to know anything about it. You can reassure her about that. Better hearing it from you in private than from someone else on social media further down the line.

And then she can deal with it as she sees fit.

Hmmokay yes, it was just appalling what happened when it came out before. She was in bits. I think the memory of that has made me wary of going in guns blazing screaming LTB as I honestly don't know what she will decide to do (as oppose to being certain she ought to LTB)

You don't have to tell her to LTB. Just give her the information as factually as you can and leave it at that for her to act on.

You sound like a kind friend. She'll need you.

Yes, you can just pass on the info.

I hope they don't have DC.

Loopy, they both have grown up children, his don't have anything to do with him because of how he treated their mother - that alone would be a huge red flag for me.

Your friend made some big errors of judgement, sadly.

She did indeed. I'm just hoping she is going to come to her senses.

Just a quick update. I broached it with my friend and watched a fleeting second of utter panic cross her face before she went into full on denial mode. My DH is obviously mistaken. Her DP was definitely in Birmingham, not Edinburgh, he sent her pictures. He's changed. The icing on the cake? A text from her partner a couple of days ago telling me to mind my own business, stop spreading lies, and stay the fuck out of their relationship
At least I tried, and I'm still there for her.