should I leave him?

[lpoolgirl44]

please be patient...first, and long, post! I have been with my fiancé just over 2 years, first 18 months were great but past 6 months can only be described as an emotional rollercoaster. ill go back to September, sadly I miscarried our baby which was dreadful and I ended up off work for 3 weeks feeling very low. I didn't feel like he was as affected as me, perhaps that started breeding resentment, but like lots of men he isn't one to show/discuss emotions openly.

then we had a family holiday n October with his teenage kids and mine which was disastrous, we just all didn't get along, and my kids (17 and 20) relationship with him, which was never great, deteriorated even further. we had a nightmare trip to Amsterdam over Christmas which involved more bickering than anything else. he was brought up by a very hard man in a large family, his dad used to beat him and there was little love. his dad is now dead but his mums alive, however he has no relationship with her. he can be very verbally aggressive at times, huffing, puffing, eye rolling etc too, which makes me nervous and often scared of doing the 'wrong thing'. I find myself constantly trying to please.

after new year I decided enough was enough, after more upset and silent treatments etc so I left him. we still have our own houses as our kids live with us (separately), we tend me lve in mine during week and his at weekends. I only have my daughter whos 21 now living with me, my son lives with his dad. 2 days after I called it a day he 'got me back' with offers of change/take it slow/promises of counselling. at first taking it slow worked and we just 'dated' January, not living with each other.

come February we had a weekend away and things just took a turn for the worse. I have another older son whos autistic and he lives in supported accommodation, he had some serious problems whilst we were away and I was upset by this, not sure if to head home or not, but I stayed. I had to communicate with my ex husband by phone a few times over this which resulted in snidey comments and silent treatment from fiancé. this leaves me sad and emotionally drained, riddled with anxiety.

the final straw was about 10 days ago on the Friday, we went for a night away to try and make up for the disastrous weekend. however just as we are chatting before dinner we get on to topic of my anxiety (currently signed off work with it) and I told him id talked about it at dinner with a friend that week, who had asked if my partner is supportive and understands me. all I said was that I didn't think he quite 'got it' as many who haven't had it don't, well he hit the roof! stormed back to the hotel with me running behind...this was before dinner! once in the room I got told how i'm a silly bitch, dickhead, awful shag, I stink, he's had better, i'm fat, i'm a moose, i'm an easy lay!!! he was so angry and in my face, calling me a fucking slag, all unfounded as I've never looked at anyone else whilst with him. I was scared and I slapped him, very wrong I know and something I don't do. well he hit me back, knocked me across the room, next day I had a whopping black eye and bruised cheekbone. at this point I decide i'm leaving him.

Next day he's remorseful but i'm just biding my time. on Tuesday I removed all his clothes from my house and went to his knowing he was in work/kids in school, and left his stuff in his with his key and took my stuff. all last week I felt I had done right thing and felt...until yesterday! the expected phone call eventually arrived asking to take me to dinner which I refused. I did agree to meet for a drink to tie up lose ends (got some holidays etc booked) but now I feel so mixed up. I told him how he's scared me recently and is indeed contributing to my anxiety. he seemed so sad and sorry, he offered to go to counselling or anger management (which he offered last time we split but never followed through). he asked could he please take me for dinner tonight but I just feel im not ready as I don't know what to do. what I realised is I do love him, I think he is a very emotionally scarred man, his last wife and gf both cheated on him, is this why I get labelled a slag/slut too I wonder? also my family especially mum are delighted I have left him and don't want me going back, just feel in such a mess and wanted bit of advice from people un associated with us. sorry for the ramble x

He's been told and blocked. Family told too. It's been a very difficult two days, some might say I'm mad and I guess I understand why. I've had a tough time lately, lost my baby and my dad...I'm off work with anxiety so rather isolated. I just want to do what's best and keep my good family relationships, and of course stay safe

Well done. You're not mad at all. We all want to trust someone, when they let us down or treat us badly we want to believe it's not the real them or they'll change, we want to believe their apologies and promises, we want hope. It's human nature. There comes a time though when we sometimes have to accept the reality of the situation and find the courage to make the change. You're doing the right thing and it shows that you still have a lot of inner strength. Stay strong and don't forget why you've decided to move on.

Well done op-it doesn't matter what others think or how it looks-you have made the choice that is right and safe for you.

of course he is gonna out on the charm, he isn't gonna get you back by being nasty.

Whenever yo feel weak hear these words:
silly bitch, dickhead, awful shag, I stink, he's had better, i'm fat, i'm a moose, i'm an easy lay!!! he was so angry and in my face, calling me a fucking slag OH AND THE BLACK EYE

Thanks I will do!

I'll tell you what more than one abuser has said to me in various ways 'some women will take so much shit it's unbelievable. Cheat on them, put them down, hit them.... no matter what you do they still come back for more. Throw them an apology or some kindness and they're back. How the fuck are you supposed to respect or love someone like that?'

A horrible thing to hear but it's how many abusers think.

DenimChicken, I know you didn't mean you think like that, but even posting that seems a bit victim blamey... if I were currently in an abusive relationship, reading that would make me feel like crap.

I'm not victim blaming at all - I didn't mean it to come across like that but it's what I've heard more than once. Some abusers do just think that women are mugs.

It's a bit more complex than the way that they put it though. I think quite often that they feel so shit about their behaviour on an unconcious level that the victim just becomes a constant reminder of all their own failings and abuse even though they're doing all they can to keep the victim with them. And so it continues because the victim makes them feel shit about themselves and that makes them angry but it's all projected on the victim - it's the victim that's the problem, the victim that causes this behaviour, the victim that makes them behave this way. I think what they really mean is how does the victim respect me and love me when this is what I do to them? So they blame the victim - this is their fault, if they had any self-respect they wouldn't be here, anyone else would treat them like this too because how could you not? None of it true of course but it's part of the dynamic of some abusive relationships I think.

It was in mine. He hated the way he behaved on an unconscious level and I became the mirror that showed him his worst behaviour. There were times he couldn't even look at me and I thought it was because he was disgusted with me but he wasn't, he was disgusted with himself and I was a physical embodiment of why he should be.

DenimChicken, wow, that is profound! Thanks for that perspective.

I've often seen on here answers to the desperate query "but can he change", and I know, in my gut of guts, and borne out by comprehensive anecdotal evidence that the abuser can never change with the current partner, but that cuts to the core of why. Well done!

Why would some might say you're mad? If they did they obviously don't know the truth. Relay what xstefx said to anyone who disapproves.

denim that's an amazing post. Thank you

I kind of meant some posters (on here) might think I'm mad for having even posted this, considering giving him another chance. Guess I just needed support in what feels like a very lonely time

I kind of meant some posters (on here) might think I'm mad for having even posted this, considering giving him another chance.

Oh that! Yeah, well, you're not far wrong.

But seriously, sometimes it takes the perspective of somebody who's so much an outsider that they're strangers on r'interweb. For a lot of us, we were you posting a year ago, a decade ago.

And, trust me, once its clear to those who truly love you that you're free from him, you'll hear more about how much they hate him and thank the gods you finally see straight. Because so many abusees keep going back, a lot of people hedge their bets until they're sure you're sure, IYSWIM.

What I love about MN is it being anonymous. You really can say how you feel and you really will get honest answers. I feel most people on here are honest, have vast experience and will tell you what you need to hear. Yes you might reel at some of the answers but they're meant with the best of intentions.

Since coming on here I can't believe how much abuse goes on within relationships. I do have experience of this myself and feel I can give advice.

Don't doubt yourself OP. We're in it with you

OP I am currently in a women's refuge. He wasn't physical with me but he was emptionally/mentally abusive. I'm now taking a course to make me aware of abusers traits and what you've explain is all of them! My ex had a "background". He cried when I left. Threatened me when I didn't agree with him. Sulked and silent treatment. Called me names and belittled me. I was so broken. This is a classic cycle of abuse. He bullies you, then hits you. Cries and begs. Turns into the nice guy you think he is. Take him back and the cycle starts again. Please please called women's aid! They will clarify. All of this will get worse if you go back. Be strong you have an opportunity to leave. Xxx

Thank you. For so long I made excuses for him, probably because he twisted things and made me believe it was usually all my fault! Today I feel stronger, met up with my mum n told her what's been going on

What did your dm say about it all?

She seemed so relieved, said she'd been worried about me as she's seen a change in me over last few months. Also when I'm with her he's constantly phoning asking my whereabouts which concerned her. I didn't tell her he hit me as it would upset her too much, she's 80 and just lost her husband, my dad. She's very vulnerable and it would be just too much. Do know she's happy he's off the scene tho obviously!

I totally feel for you as I was in this situation myself over a year ago with an ex. He was abusive in every way. The thing is its starts by him undermiming your confidence and self worth to try and rob you of any ability to think for yourself/leave him. Then it goes up to physical abuse where your so battered and low you want to beleive his empty promises that he will change. He won't. I can promise you that. It took me two punches to the face, sexual abuse and emotional abuse you described to finally make me leave him for good. It was hard as hed turn on the crocodile tears and promise to change but I stayed firm and over a year later I'm with a womderful understanding man who would never twizzle a finger at me let alone a fist. Leaving him will be the best thing you ever did and in a years time or less youll look back and know you did the right thing. For now block him on everything and refuse to engage with him on any level. The cunt will get the hint and move on to find an easier target to abuse. Im sorry youve had to go through this big hugs xxxx

Ah thank you JenWen22. It's so good to hear you have met a good man and are happy. Your post really helped as I feel you have been through a very similar situation. At the moment I feel relieved I have made the move but also sad I found myself ever in this position. As they say though, things can only get better xx