please be patient...first, and long, post! I have been with my fiancé just over 2 years, first 18 months were great but past 6 months can only be described as an emotional rollercoaster. ill go back to September, sadly I miscarried our baby which was dreadful and I ended up off work for 3 weeks feeling very low. I didn't feel like he was as affected as me, perhaps that started breeding resentment, but like lots of men he isn't one to show/discuss emotions openly.
then we had a family holiday n October with his teenage kids and mine which was disastrous, we just all didn't get along, and my kids (17 and 20) relationship with him, which was never great, deteriorated even further. we had a nightmare trip to Amsterdam over Christmas which involved more bickering than anything else. he was brought up by a very hard man in a large family, his dad used to beat him and there was little love. his dad is now dead but his mums alive, however he has no relationship with her. he can be very verbally aggressive at times, huffing, puffing, eye rolling etc too, which makes me nervous and often scared of doing the 'wrong thing'. I find myself constantly trying to please.
after new year I decided enough was enough, after more upset and silent treatments etc so I left him. we still have our own houses as our kids live with us (separately), we tend me lve in mine during week and his at weekends. I only have my daughter whos 21 now living with me, my son lives with his dad. 2 days after I called it a day he 'got me back' with offers of change/take it slow/promises of counselling. at first taking it slow worked and we just 'dated' January, not living with each other.
come February we had a weekend away and things just took a turn for the worse. I have another older son whos autistic and he lives in supported accommodation, he had some serious problems whilst we were away and I was upset by this, not sure if to head home or not, but I stayed. I had to communicate with my ex husband by phone a few times over this which resulted in snidey comments and silent treatment from fiancé. this leaves me sad and emotionally drained, riddled with anxiety.
the final straw was about 10 days ago on the Friday, we went for a night away to try and make up for the disastrous weekend. however just as we are chatting before dinner we get on to topic of my anxiety (currently signed off work with it) and I told him id talked about it at dinner with a friend that week, who had asked if my partner is supportive and understands me. all I said was that I didn't think he quite 'got it' as many who haven't had it don't, well he hit the roof! stormed back to the hotel with me running behind...this was before dinner! once in the room I got told how i'm a silly bitch, dickhead, awful shag, I stink, he's had better, i'm fat, i'm a moose, i'm an easy lay!!! he was so angry and in my face, calling me a fucking slag, all unfounded as I've never looked at anyone else whilst with him. I was scared and I slapped him, very wrong I know and something I don't do. well he hit me back, knocked me across the room, next day I had a whopping black eye and bruised cheekbone. at this point I decide i'm leaving him.
Next day he's remorseful but i'm just biding my time. on Tuesday I removed all his clothes from my house and went to his knowing he was in work/kids in school, and left his stuff in his with his key and took my stuff. all last week I felt I had done right thing and felt...until yesterday! the expected phone call eventually arrived asking to take me to dinner which I refused. I did agree to meet for a drink to tie up lose ends (got some holidays etc booked) but now I feel so mixed up. I told him how he's scared me recently and is indeed contributing to my anxiety. he seemed so sad and sorry, he offered to go to counselling or anger management (which he offered last time we split but never followed through). he asked could he please take me for dinner tonight but I just feel im not ready as I don't know what to do. what I realised is I do love him, I think he is a very emotionally scarred man, his last wife and gf both cheated on him, is this why I get labelled a slag/slut too I wonder? also my family especially mum are delighted I have left him and don't want me going back, just feel in such a mess and wanted bit of advice from people un associated with us. sorry for the ramble x