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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think that I want to live on my own again

76 replies

weallassumethatoscarsaidit · 06/03/2017 16:47

I have been married for 18 months and I have a 12 year old son from my first marriage.

My DS and my husband have an uneasy relationship and I often feel that my husband tries to find things to moan about regarding my DS. The problem is that it's all very subtle and I would have a hard time coming up with examples of this. There is a lot of huffing and puffing and rolling of eyes at things DS says/does and my H "tells tales" on my DS for not bringing his drinking glass down from his bedroom/keeping his room in a bit of a mess etc etc. His room is not particularly messy in my opinion and I'm not really fussed if there is one glass in his bedroom.

Secondly my H has started being a bit funny if I do things without him. I feel like I have to tell him about seeing friends weeks in advance and I can't do anything spontaneously anymore. Last week my friend contacted me on a Sunday morning to say she had thrown her husband out (long story to do with him drinking all of the time) and I said to my H that I would go and see her on Monday evening for a chat.

On the Sunday afternoon he was a bit off with me about this and said that I just told him what I was doing, rather than asking if it was ok. I was a bit Hmm about having to ask if I can go to see a friend.

Today I forgot that I had a dental appointment and that I would therefore be late home from work. Because the reminder was sent to my email in Janauary I did a screen shot of it (for my records, so I could find it easily) and then text him a copy of it, and just said I would be a bit late home because of this.

I got this reply " why have you sent me the email? Do you think I don't believe you? Very strange"

I realise that these things are quite small and hard to explain properly here but it's making me feel very uneasy. My first marriage was very violent so I am hyper sensitive to any kind of control. However I am starting to feel trapped and suffocated and I want to leave.

Before I do anything I wondered if anyone here thinks that I am being unreasonable in leaving him over these things.

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 07/03/2017 18:52

Unfortnately he sounds plain weird. Thing is plenty of these weirdos never show these signs for first few years. My DH (and its rocky) switches off the TV at night without ever asking , just watches what he wants when Im still there and just automatically presumes "right, bedtime"! I find it really odd , told him and he still does it.

Luckybe40 · 07/03/2017 20:24

Glad to hear you're leaving OP, hopefully more sooner than laterSadyour son, how sad. It's so nice to hear of a mother standing up for her DC though, and taking such concrete actions to protect them. So many don't. Well done for sorting this shit out and what a dickhead your DH sounds to be. You must feel like going nuclear on him. The shoddy, insidious behaviour, makes me blood boil. So classically emotionally abusive, lots of gas lighting and stonewalling. Your DH is extremely jealous of your DS. Again, what a dick.

BlueFolly · 07/03/2017 20:55

He sounds like my ex. Leaving him was absolute bliss - the freedom!!!!!

Justmuddlingalong · 07/03/2017 21:04

The incredibly subtle way in which EA starts makes you question yourself. Are you imagining it, is it in your head, is his behaviour really that bad? The abuser relies on you feeling that way, while slowly ramping up his abusive behaviour. It will continue, it will get worse and you will be left as a shell of your former self. Please leave, for the sake of your son and yourself.

MyheartbelongstoG · 07/03/2017 21:39

Your poor boy.

He's reason enough surely.

Original poster
weallassumethatoscarsaidit · 12/03/2017 12:26

Unfortunately things have escalated since I last posted. On Wednesday I got a call from my DS's new school to say that DS had basically kicked off during his maths lesson. I had moved DS to a new school as he had said he was unhappy at his old school. His behaviour at school has been awful since he went to secondary 18 months ago and he had promised me he would behave at the new school.

Anyway when I got home from work on Wednesday I was really upset and crying about DS. My H was already home. My DS was at his dad's at this point and rang my mobile which was on the worktop in the kitchen. My H answered the phone and was shouting "you little wanker, you little wanker, what have you done this for!" My DS hung up on him and has been at his dad's ever since.

I've been looking for somewhere for me and DS to live but now that this has happened I'm worried that he won't come home in the meantime. Why would he want to come back because I wouldn't want to in his shoes.

There is nothing to rent in our area at the moment which would be suitable so I'm just waiting for new properties to come up on Rightmove. I have money to leave but I need to find something first. I don't have any family so we have nowhere to stay in the meantime. The atmosphere in this house is horrendous.

OP posts:
nagsandovalballs · 12/03/2017 12:36

Talk to your son. Love bomb him. and tell him that you and he are leaving. He is insecure and hurting and needs to know you are on his side and understand.

Good luck with everything.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/03/2017 11:43

Does your vile partner have anywhere he could go?
Keep looking.
Get onto all local estate agents and try to get priority calls from them.
Let them know how urgent it is.

gamerchick · 13/03/2017 11:50

Have you told your son that you're leaving this man? You need to I think.

Original poster
weallassumethatoscarsaidit · 13/03/2017 11:53

He came home yesterday morning and I've told him we're leaving. I would love it if my H left but he won't and I can't afford the rent on this house on my own unfortunately.

You're right, he's vile and I can't stand to be anywhere near him. I've been on the sofa since last week.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 13/03/2017 14:49

Well done on telling him.
Hopefully you get away soon.
What did he say when you said you were leaving?

Original poster
weallassumethatoscarsaidit · 13/03/2017 15:05

I've told my son but not my husband. My son was pleased about it. I'm worried about what might happen when I leave and I have no doubt that it will get very nasty. Not physically but he's not going to make it easy for me. I don't want to just leave while he's at work but I can't really see any other option.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 13/03/2017 15:40

Leave when he's at work. He doesn't deserve any more consideration after the way he has spoken to your ds.

happypoobum · 13/03/2017 15:51

Please err on the side of caution and leave without warning. Make sure DS knows not to blurt it out in an argument too.

Is there really nowhere you can go just for a bit? This sounds so awful for you. Best of luck - you are doing the right thing and it will all seem worth it when you close the front door of your new home just you and DS and all the walking on eggshells and controlling behaviour are behind you Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 13/03/2017 15:54

Don't tell him until you have gone.
It really won't be worth the trouble it will cause for you and your DS.
Quietly plan and then run!

xStefx · 13/03/2017 17:27

I wouldn't tell him
Until I had gone either. There's just no talking to some people and it would probably be a waste of time as he doesn't sound like he can have a decent conversation about it and won't take any blame. Good on you op not letting your son and yourself put up with this shit.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/03/2017 17:37

Oh god he sounds vile.

Good luck OP with getting away. Thanks I agree, I'd get it all in place before you tell him

mummytime · 13/03/2017 17:44

The one thing I would suggest is that you talk to someone you trust at the school - just in case they can help and give your DS some leeway until you move out.

Narssisticwomen · 27/05/2018 03:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Duchessgummybuns · 27/05/2018 05:34

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice but we’ll done OP for deciding to leave. I hope it all goes as smoothly as it can x

Sally2791 · 27/05/2018 06:41

It's not healthy to feel like this and awful for your son. But as others have said, he is likely to get worse if he thinks you are leaving, so plan well

Typeractive · 27/05/2018 07:36

He's abusing your son and you too. I'm glad you've decided to leave. Good luck. Flowers

BitOutOfPractice · 27/05/2018 08:06

Thanks for explaining that to us @Narssisticwomen Confused

triptrapdollydumpling · 27/05/2018 09:08

ZOMBIE THREAD

maras2 · 27/05/2018 09:43

So you resurrected a year old thread to post that shit narcissiticwoman?
In the nicest possible way ODFOD.