I think that I want to live on my own again

[weallassumethatoscarsaidit]

I have been married for 18 months and I have a 12 year old son from my first marriage.

My DS and my husband have an uneasy relationship and I often feel that my husband tries to find things to moan about regarding my DS. The problem is that it's all very subtle and I would have a hard time coming up with examples of this. There is a lot of huffing and puffing and rolling of eyes at things DS says/does and my H "tells tales" on my DS for not bringing his drinking glass down from his bedroom/keeping his room in a bit of a mess etc etc. His room is not particularly messy in my opinion and I'm not really fussed if there is one glass in his bedroom.

Secondly my H has started being a bit funny if I do things without him. I feel like I have to tell him about seeing friends weeks in advance and I can't do anything spontaneously anymore. Last week my friend contacted me on a Sunday morning to say she had thrown her husband out (long story to do with him drinking all of the time) and I said to my H that I would go and see her on Monday evening for a chat.

On the Sunday afternoon he was a bit off with me about this and said that I just told him what I was doing, rather than asking if it was ok. I was a bit about having to ask if I can go to see a friend.

Today I forgot that I had a dental appointment and that I would therefore be late home from work. Because the reminder was sent to my email in Janauary I did a screen shot of it (for my records, so I could find it easily) and then text him a copy of it, and just said I would be a bit late home because of this.

I got this reply " why have you sent me the email? Do you think I don't believe you? Very strange"

I realise that these things are quite small and hard to explain properly here but it's making me feel very uneasy. My first marriage was very violent so I am hyper sensitive to any kind of control. However I am starting to feel trapped and suffocated and I want to leave.

Before I do anything I wondered if anyone here thinks that I am being unreasonable in leaving him over these things.

weallassumethatoscarsaidit : I have been where you are, took me a long time to leave. The insidious passive aggressive play is like torture. Ex would never tell me I couldn't go out, but he'd be moody the next day, or give me a grilling. If I ave too little information he'd imply I was hiding something, too much and I was rubbing his face in it. This accompanied by a negative critical outlook, anger and rage, insecurities, disliking my family, being like drill sergant to the kids, all chipped away at my love for him over time. We had been together 21 years. He wasn't always like this, always a bit critical but I could deal with it, but it just self perpetuates as his self esteem got worse, and his behaviour escalated.

It was tough to leave and its early days yet, and I actually do still love him although I am not in love with him anymore. Living with people like that drains your energy, and you start to change your behaviour to suit them. You lose yourself and your autonomy and its soul destroying.

I believe we all find a time when we reach our breaking point, just try keep your inner self as intact as possible and do what is right for your son. Good luck.

I know you've decided to leave, but did you ever speak to him about his behaviour?

Even if it is subtle, he knows he's doing it.

Run as far and as fast as you can. This is how it starts, I've been there.

If I try to discuss anything it ends up in a huge row and then a week of silence so I don't think that's going to work.

He sounds very like my ex. He had to be the star of the show, and if I had any opinions, or interests or friendships that didn't involve him he sighed, huffed, told me I was out of line, or unreasonable. After I left him a couple of friends said they'd realised something was wrong. One said it was because if I was on the phone to her when he came in, I'd end the conversation right away. Another one was a neighbour who'd come round at tea-time one night, and she said to me later that when we were standing at the door talking she could see him in the background, coming out of the living room and standing at the far end of the hall, glaring at her, and sighing. And yes, saying anything about it, or how it makes you feel, just makes it worse.

The last straw for me was when he was silent for almost a month. I had no idea why, and it was about a year after we'd actually separated that I got him to tell me the reason. Before that, he always told me I knew the reason. And the reason was ... he'd tidied our bedroom and then I'd "messed it up again". I remembered it - because he hardly did anything in the house, and I was studying for exams at the time, and had all my notes at my side of the bed - out of sight. He tidied them away, and I got them and put them back because I liked to read them over before I went to sleep. So, for that, I was punished with weeks of silence and even after our marriage, with a 5 year old son, had broken down he still thought he was right.

Leaving is the only option. Nothing you can do or say will change him. You, and your son, will be so much happier, and healthier, your own.

I wish you all the very best. Things are looking up for you, and I'm so glad.

Placemarking for later op, in a very similar situation.

Does he have friends OP? A life outside of you and DS? My partner has no close friends so relies on me totally for social interaction, it's draining and a huge responsibility for me. I have been told, that I need to tell him asap if I've made an arrangement to do something without him. This has been going on for some time, and we've 'had it out' but it still reverts back.

I feel overwhelmed and consumed by his behaviour, luckily we don't live together. My DS is now 19 and away at university, but there were subtle digs trying to catch him out iyswim. I'm very protective and sensitive with my DC, so certainly stood my ground there.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to leave. Your significant other should be complementary not supplementary.

And I am also planning to end my relationship too.

He's got some friends and if he goes out then it tends to be an overnight in a city not local to us. This doesn't happen very often though, maybe once every three months. He never ever goes out in the evening so I never get any time on my own.

So no life outside of you..same with my partner. Unfortunately my partner is retired also, so sometimes has no contact all day with anyone and is gagging for social interaction. I feel guilty every time I do something without him, not good at all.

Big row and week of silence....tosser.

Has he lived with anyone before, sounds like he doesn't know how it works, also if you've been on your own before you are probably used to doing stuff without consultation. I found it hard to adjust to living with someone after years on my own and Dh was straight out of long v conventional marriage. But we talked a lot about it.

But the big row and week of silence...he sounds exhausting and not tight for you. It's ok to have tried and it not worked out....

I stayed with someone who fitted your description very well. Took me simply ages to realise that this was no life. Someone I hardly knew at a wedding said to me, quite in passing 'oh honey, he's not right for you'. It still took me ages to wake up.

Take heart and rip off the plaster, life will get so much better. All the very best.

He lived with his previous partner, who he has a daughter with. I'm not sure what their relationship was like, other than he said that she was selfish and wanted to go out all of the time. I don't take any notice of comments about previous partners though, because they tend to be extremely biased. I just assumed that she wanted to see her friends, like a normal person would.

What really annoys me about this is that when he wants to do something then he just organises it and goes. In the recent past he has had weekends away, nights out that involved and overnight stay somewhere and I have no problem whatsoever with any of that. However if I want to go for a cup of tea at a friend's house, for example straight after work, then he asking me what time I will be home for my tea . If I say I'll just have some beans on toast when I get in he'll be funny with me about this. He says I eat like a student and I need something "proper" to eat. So when I'm at my friend's house I'm paranoid about getting home for a reasonable time, so as not to annoy him.

When I do go anywhere he more or less ignores me when I get home and never asks if I've had a nice time. However if he goes anywhere I get chapter and verse about his night out and I'm expected to listen and express interest in his friends and what a good night they had.

It's the double standards that annoy me.

The thing with my DS is really what upsets me though. He's not horrible to him or anything, it's more insidious than that. For example if my DS comes downstairs to get a drink of juice in the evening my H will pause the television downstairs and then sit in silence until my DS goes back upstairs. He will then carry on watching TV. I realise that this is such a small thing and if I mentioned it he would twist it so that I look like I'm being paranoid.

I'm sold, he's a massive twat at best. So what's the plan for getting your son out of the horrible place that should be his sanctuary? For some twisted f**ks marriage brings a sense of ownership, rather than partnership. GET OUT NOW AND LIMIT THE DAMAGE BEING DONE TO YOUR SON (I'm not one for shouty all caps but this is very serious).

Every day you stay, communicates to your son that this is OK, you're his mother, don't prioritise the status quo by doing nothing because contrary to popular belief, doing nothing is a conscious choice.

I've lived with silent disapproval. It is hard to pin down, but such a relief when it has gone.

You don't have to wait until you have proof that he is a bad person. You can leave him even if he is the greatest guy in the world but you just prefer not living with him. There's no rule that you have to live with someone forever just because you once thought it was a good idea.

You know what you need to do.
Start disengaging immediately.
Try not to let his moods get to you.
Get out and about with your son as much as possible.
Don't include him.
How long do you think it will take to get away?
I'd also not pre-warn him at all.
Get all your stuff sorted out and just leave.
Far easier than dealing with the man-child for weeks on end.

Funny you should say that about your DH eating as mine is also from a LT conventional marriage. I wasn't and therefore did to be honest need To consult. However, I don't go out that often, but it was a big deal when I did. I don't think it was a case (with me) that I didn't feel I should consult him, I was just doing what I consider normal in any relationship, and that is to have some of your own friends/interests.

I guess the thing here is that I just don't love him enough to work at it..

That sounds truly suffocating. I wish you luck with getting rid of that noose from your neck.

Your son will think all his Christmases have come at once if you tell him you're leaving this man.

Can you imagine how that would feel, to walk into a room and have a man who is supposed to be family now pause the TV and wait until you leave the room? It's really horrible behaviour. And this guy is clever, too - never let him tell you that he doesn't realise what he's doing.

I agree that he's showing classic control signs. It's unsaid that your DS needs to come first here.

He sounds a lot like my STBXH. He used to pause the tv if anyone spoke during a programme he was watching. It's really horrible behaviour OP, and it's so insidious it's easy to think it's you whose being unreasonable. But it's not you, it's him

I've just got in from work and was helping my DS with his homework at the kitchen table. H came in and starting banging around with saucepans and slamming cupboard doors. I took DS upstairs to finish the homework and when I came down I was accused of being in a foul mood. Whatever. I'm sick of it.

Children are very astute, DS will be very aware of what's going on. Your DH sounds jealous. It's mentally draining, I cannot see it getting any better. I would be absolutely livid if my DP did that. DS comes first OP.

It's not easy

He sounds awful op. Look forward to your freedom from this moody, horrible, bullying twat.

I'm looking for a little house for me and DS. I'm sick of him and his ridiculous, pathetic ways.

Good for you OP, the first step is always the hardest. Stay focussed on the work ahead, it'll be a rocky road and I'm sure you'll have some resistance.