Aftermath of emotional affair

[Paperdoll16]

This is my first post. I have been reading so many threads but am going around in circles beating myself up as to why I wasn't good enough.

I found out my H had been having a 9 month secret relationship with a previous colleague that involved texting, phone calls, sending photos (selfies apparently), talking about their relationships and how poor they were on several occasions (I had no idea it was until she told me- I'll get to that), and of course the getting to know one another that was mainly on Snapchat (no history of course, but she was his best friend on there once I got into the account) and a good few thousand snaps sent!! I've learned chats aren't even counted.

I found a conversation on his work phone that was kept in the car overnight. I went crazy and also learned that she had blocked me on every social media platform despite not knowing she existed until this point.

My H said it was all innocent texts, infrequent and a general catch up. I logged into his phone bills and found that he had been calling her during his journeys to and from work and even one night at 10pm when I was on a night shift whilst the DC were in bed.

I made contact with her and she appeared to be honest in telling me they had a lot in common (poor relationships) and that they supported one another etc., she told me some really hurtful things that he had said to her and she seemed to know a lot about my life. I think she told me because she didn't want me to tell her partner.

What I don't understand is that she is only 22. Ten years younger that H. No kids, no marriage or life experience. I don't think it was the marriage counselling he saw in her. Perhaps the fact she is a very attractive lady who I have since found out exchanged naked photos to another male colleague of my H's whose fiancee is just as devestated as me. She found out pretty sharpish though. I feel like a mug. Nine months of secrecy and betrayal.

This all happened before Christmas and I have tried many times to try and make a go of it again. However, I am having so many cycling feelings of hurt, anger, resent, disbelief, feeling like I don't know the true extent as he has done all of the gas lighting, minimising, denying etc etc nothing has come from him voluntarily. She has told me most things. Or I have found it (he denied ever calling her!!).

He believes that because he always loved me and didn't meet up with her etc then it isn't cheating. He admits it was wrong and is full of remorse but he didn't ever stop it. He also continues to minimise it despite some of the evidence I have.

How could he confide in her when I felt like we were such soul mates? We had a good marriage, or so I felt. Good sex life, although he told her we didn't do it much and that the spark had gone.

I really don't know what I'm asking for on here. I just feel better for writing it down. I think it's come to the end of the road for us when the year of 2016 has all been a lie.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

I totally understand I can relate as well as mine involved a 21 year old. I feel the same about "padlocks" and I can feel myself "disengaging" . My DH wants us to move to Copenhagen because of Brexit issue (affects our business) and he carries on making plans as if me discovering all this was "a bit of an inconvenience" he said, nothing happened/was all in his head so thats alright then that he talked and sang about waltzing off into the sunset with her etc! I think as far as he is concerned he has said sorry , so all is fine as itw as 11 years ago. Nope, to me its not fine. I think you feel the same. Its like a beautiful vase that has now been glued together but the cracks will always be there.

user wow, that vase metaphor was exactly what I wrote in a letter to my wife days after she told me she was leaving.
She didn't want me to change but I said whatever happens I'm a vase that's been broken, I can be fixed, glued back together but will never be the same.

paperdoll I don't know.if it's a more positive or negative outlook. My emotions.would.be up when.I was with her and incredibly low when I wasn't. I seem to have stabilized whether she's with.me.or.not. it's not a great state of mind but better than the ups and downs previously

I think the change in mind set like you guys is a self preservation reflex. Whatever may happen I just no-way want to feel like I did ever again. Building up walls that we never needed before.

You all sound more positive today which is great. Love yourselves and find happiness from within rather than relying on others for happiness xx

Oh and user...thanks :) I think lol.

paperdoll just reading back your post,..for me, time is the only healer. I'm not one for counselling, not that I'm saying it wouldn't help I just feel uncomfortable with the thought of it. I would do couples counselling if she agreed, I even.suggested it but that was rejected.

Everything I did I did either with or for my wife, had no.real life.of.my own other than work so now I want to make an effort to do things for me,.nothing selfish just picking the kids up on my own, being a bit more.self sufficient.

totally agree Apostle. A bit of sun makes a difference. The vase thing is so very true. I spoke to an old friend who said to me, you have a lot going for you, enough for 2 people to have married you, you are business savvy, attractiveish (for 55) kind, caring, make a great Thai curry and have an expert knowledge of certain types of rock music. You would be in demand!! Whatever happens dont feel that life has ended. I am going to be honest, when I divorced at 29 first time I thought the sky had fallen in (and it was my choice to do so) within 12 months, I rarely thought of him and had a new partner. Sounds harsh, but it was true. Thats why I know in my heart that if I really find after 6 months I cant mentally "move on", still dont feel "it" and there seems to be no remorse thats acceptable to me, I know I can do it again--even though Im older.

Totally agree with the vase thing. Don't even know if it can be called an emotional affair although Mumsnetters did as no sexting involved just secrecy and lies and putting his so called just a friendship above his wife and kids feelings. Desperately trying to move on as been together 22 years but the trust has gone and although not perfect I feel like my safe little world has been shattered.

Hope you're all feeling okay? How are you apostle?

I have moved forwards slightly. Lots more talking, listening and understanding on H's part. He's doing everything in his power to show me how much he's willing to prove it was a huge mistake and not one worth losing his wife and DD's over.

We've talked about my triggers, how we're going to get through this year (which I feel most anxious about) and how we plan to make new memories.

The trust is still broken and although I truly believe he wouldn't do anything this year to jeprodise us I feel like one day (when this is all forgotten about; the feelings and emotions) I could find myself in this shitty shitty situation again! He can say I won't a million times but that's how I feel and I can't seem to shake that off. Maybe I never will? Maybe it's that vase effect??

Hey Paperdoll really pleased to hear your progressing forwards, one day at a time.
From my experience your hubby could tell you every tiny detail a hundred times and all the truth but like me you'll still feel he hasn't told you everything. Unfortunately that's the trust thing.
I found with my wife and I that only sometimes is it good to talk about things and other times talking brings up such emotion that it makes you both feel worse.

Take one day at a time, that's all you can do :)

As for me, well, it's been an eventful last few days emotionally.
My wife, most of the time since everything happened last year, has been a bit distant with me. She doesn't really smile when I come home from work and she sees me, she doesn't often come to me for a hug or a kiss.
Things that she always used to do. She's not like it all the time but more often than not.
It feels like I'm the one making all the effort, I'm the one buying her nice things, flowers and perfume, wanting to hold her hand and give her a hug. Feels like I'm giving so much and getting not a lot back.

Anyway, I confronted her about it a few days back, I said to her that she's not happy being here with me anymore and asked if this is what she really wants.
We had a long chat about the future but she still came across as not in it 100% she pretty much told me that she wasn't sure about everything but she wanted to stay and work things out but if her feelings didn't change she may go eventually.
I was soo close to calling it a day there and then. Told her how hard it is to be with someone you love who doesn't love you back the same.

I'm still no closer to gaining any security from her in relation to our marriage. She doesn't want to commit to anything. I can understand why to some extent. She said that she never would have imagined falling out of love with me up until she did last year so feels like she can't make that promise again.
Oh I don't know paperdill, it's like a bloody emotional rollercoaster.
mind you yesterday, she was completely different, very close, huggy, kissy, smiley. Maybe our little chat helped her more than me, and I can live with that.

Apostle

I really think the 180 would be a good strategy for you. At the moment you're rewarding a WW (wayward wife), with gifts.

The 180 will help you move forward and have a good life with or without her.

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-unfaithful-spouse.html?m=1

A naughty child does not get sweets or any other threats.

Oh goodness apostle. That doesn't sound good at all. I don't think that's going to 1. Help you to even begin to rebuild the trust and 2. Even know where you stand in terms of your future together. I personally couldn't live like that.

sandy always says such wise things and she's completely right; you showering her with gifts isn't actually helping the situation. It may only add to her guilt but nothing more. Just back off and see how things go from there?

I'm not doing so great again. It's ruined how I feel and how I can move on from it now the trust is broken. So many people say they still feel so consumed by similar things that happened several years ago; do I want to spend my life looking over my shoulder, unable to relax because of how much this has affected me? No!

I need to get some external help or counselling but then I feel annoyed that I have to do this because of his selfishness and sordid little fling with her!

Thanks PD

Paperdoll I'm sorry things aren't going to well with you. The thing about EAs is how much they are minimised by the WS.

They often don't really get how painful it is.

You can try and give yourself a period of time to see if you feel any better. I come across people who still feel resentful and unable to recover from the betrayal.

I think counselling is a good idea for you.

The sad thing about affairs of any kind, is no matter what the WS does afterwards, sometimes it's just too late and the damage is done.

There's no getting the marriage back to what it was. It's an indelible stain on the marriage. It's not to say you can't be happy with each other, but for some people, it's a dealbreaker, much as they try to get over it.

Found out on Monday that my H of over 20 years has been doing the same thing.......with a colleague 20 years younger than him. He promised he'd stopped but I found more today. I'm just in total shock really. And crying, lots of crying.

francesdestroyed how truly awful for you. All of that resonates with me too and I know how you're feeling right now. Please talk to close friends of family (do not protect him by keeping it to yourself) as they really do prove to be suppportive. What are you going to do? Not long term obviously (even I'm having trouble with that still) but short term- have you kicked him out?

samdy thank you so much, once again. Are you a relationship counsellor? I agree that I need to seek counselling.

It's exactly what you've said...

He says it didn't mean anything and she wasn't important, but he didn't stop contact with her until the point of me discovering it.

He says he didn't discuss things the things about our marriage in a negative light that she told me he did, but how would she know all of those personal things otherwise.
However, they both proclaim that he listened to her talk about her poor relationship whereby she moaned about the lack of sex and he agreed that we don't either (just why?!))))) and he also told her we don't always share a bed as our youngest still comes into it. So his comments on it not being about us had changed somewhat.

He denies now saying the spark has gone. Instead he told her he wants to try and do things with me to get the spark back. I'm not sure there is a defined difference other than an attempt to minimise the pain of him saying it in the first place.

He says he phoned her every day after work (over a few week period) to discuss things at work and her trip that was coming up; apparently all very innocent. But she was a receptionist he had met only three weeks prior. What could possibly be so important to be discussed in half an hour calls on his way home, especially when had transferred to a new work place anyway. And why does he need to 'help' her with her trip?!

Oh the list goes on..

But he thinks if I'm happy for a few days and don't bring it up then things are moving forwards and he doesn't understand how we can go right back to square one when something triggers my anger again. I can't help but feel like I've lost it and feel those same early feelings again.

Counselling is most definitely being booked this week!