Aftermath of emotional affair

[Paperdoll16]

This is my first post. I have been reading so many threads but am going around in circles beating myself up as to why I wasn't good enough.

I found out my H had been having a 9 month secret relationship with a previous colleague that involved texting, phone calls, sending photos (selfies apparently), talking about their relationships and how poor they were on several occasions (I had no idea it was until she told me- I'll get to that), and of course the getting to know one another that was mainly on Snapchat (no history of course, but she was his best friend on there once I got into the account) and a good few thousand snaps sent!! I've learned chats aren't even counted.

I found a conversation on his work phone that was kept in the car overnight. I went crazy and also learned that she had blocked me on every social media platform despite not knowing she existed until this point.

My H said it was all innocent texts, infrequent and a general catch up. I logged into his phone bills and found that he had been calling her during his journeys to and from work and even one night at 10pm when I was on a night shift whilst the DC were in bed.

I made contact with her and she appeared to be honest in telling me they had a lot in common (poor relationships) and that they supported one another etc., she told me some really hurtful things that he had said to her and she seemed to know a lot about my life. I think she told me because she didn't want me to tell her partner.

What I don't understand is that she is only 22. Ten years younger that H. No kids, no marriage or life experience. I don't think it was the marriage counselling he saw in her. Perhaps the fact she is a very attractive lady who I have since found out exchanged naked photos to another male colleague of my H's whose fiancee is just as devestated as me. She found out pretty sharpish though. I feel like a mug. Nine months of secrecy and betrayal.

This all happened before Christmas and I have tried many times to try and make a go of it again. However, I am having so many cycling feelings of hurt, anger, resent, disbelief, feeling like I don't know the true extent as he has done all of the gas lighting, minimising, denying etc etc nothing has come from him voluntarily. She has told me most things. Or I have found it (he denied ever calling her!!).

He believes that because he always loved me and didn't meet up with her etc then it isn't cheating. He admits it was wrong and is full of remorse but he didn't ever stop it. He also continues to minimise it despite some of the evidence I have.

How could he confide in her when I felt like we were such soul mates? We had a good marriage, or so I felt. Good sex life, although he told her we didn't do it much and that the spark had gone.

I really don't know what I'm asking for on here. I just feel better for writing it down. I think it's come to the end of the road for us when the year of 2016 has all been a lie.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

'As she said to me, you can care about someone, not hate them but not be prepared to live with their actions. However as she did say too, even if you leave, what they did goes with you but may lessen as your life changes' - counsellor.

OMG it's exactly this. I just cannot accept his actions. All of his apologies, I'll never put you through this again, I have always loved you, you're an amazing woman/wife/mum etc etc is all bullshit. He CHOSE to do this. Over a period of time and not once did he think of me.

What makes him even more callous is that someone has just told me it happened to them whilst they were going through a bad patch. Not that if excuses if but it makes it easier to perhaps move on from. We were absolutely fine, albeit the usual arguments in a marriage but certainly no bad patches!! He's an opportunist and loved that she wanted his attention as much as he wanted hers. I find it quite pathetic that it was mostly on Snapchat; something out teenage daughters live on. She's only 7 years older than our eldest! Honestly, it's all so pathetic. He is pathetic and I know I am worth more than someone who has sex with me and telephones her on his way to work or exchanges selfies to one another having little giggles on their partners' behalf! The anger inside me makes me hate him. I cannot ever get over this.

Ive been with my wife for coming up to 20 years now, married for 13, met when she was 19 and I 21. We have 4 kids eldest being 19 soon and the youngest is 6, I love them all more than anything.
Last August out the blue for me she told me that " she was done" and wasn't sure if she loved me enough to stay. Of course I was devastated, confused I was in shock I'm sure, just sat there listening, shaking not being able to process anything.
Her reasoning to me was that she didn't think I done enough with the kids and she felt I had neglected her as a wife. Now to some extent I can understand that, I work horrid shifts and I'm pretty much tired 24/7 even on my days off so I did tend to not want to do much when I was at home.
We never argued in 20 years, not really. A few moody moments but no shouting or anything, we've always bonded really well, she was, and still is my world.

Over the next few weeks I searched everything from her Facebook, messenger and phone to find out if she had been talking about this to anyone else before she told me, trying to understand why she felt like this, we where always so close and open with each other.

She was still living with me whilst looking for a new place for her and 3 of the younger kids, although broken I still helped her buying furniture and appliances for their new place, it was killing me doing so but I still loved her and wanted to help and make it easier for her.

2 weeks after the initial telling me I checked the mobile phone bill, I have 4 phones on the account, mine, my wife's and two for the two eldest kids. That's when I saw, for the last 3 1/2 months she had been texting at all hours all day, hundreds of texts to this number, even sending a couple of mms picture messages. After a bit of investigating I found the number belonged to an old family Friend who she used to see on the school runs.

I confronted her with it and she was very dismissive initially, this friend had a few rental properties so she said she was texting him because of that and looking for a place to move to, this probably was the reason for the initial contact but the other man knew my wife wasn't happy at home and was looking to leave and took advantage I think.

She opened up a bit about it eventually, saying nothing ever happened, it was just texting, they never met up, she did call him a few times tho. She liked the fact he was paying attention the her, flattering her. Blamed me a bit for the fact I didn't do that, but I always have, I always said how gorgeous she is, how pretty she is.

I think I found out just before it got to the point of them meeting up as a few days later I found an Argos receipt for a viewing of men's earrings, she said she never bought them for him but the intention was there, none of it mattered to me, I love her and would do anything to

God I'm waffling on..sorry.

..anyway it got to the point she had a flat lined up and deposit payed etc..we both went round to clean the place when she broke down, first bit off emotion she had shown since she said she was leaving 4 weeks prior. She said she still loved me, what a big mistake it all was and wanted to stay with me and give it a go. Those words I wanted to desperately hear for a month, the worst month of my life.

6 months on and we are still working through things, doing more family stuff and spending more time just the two of us, it's been really nice but...i still can't get the whole thing out of my head, I'm constantly thinking of it and assuming she's gonna say it's not working and she'll go again.

I used to like my own company but now I can't stand being alone. I'm an emotional type, I wear my heart on my sleeve always have but now it's overwhelming, I feel I could cry about the hurt I felt all the time. I'm struggling to trust her still, I never imagined I would be saying that. I'm just hoping that time will heal, I don't want to lose her or my kids.

I don't enjoy my job anymore as it involves mostly solitary work so it's always on my mind and the unsocial hours means I feel I'm missing out a lot of time with the family.
I don't want it to get to the point where I'm tired of the hurt I feel and for my feelings to change towards my wife because of it.

It sucks..just want things to feel like it did before :(

Feels good to write it down, don't wanna hijack the thread but just know your not alone dealing with an emotional affair..big hugs

apostle51 goodness, I'm so glad you came back to post this as you mentioned yesterday.

Reading yours is heartbreaking too. Whilst my H didn't declare he was leaving me, he also wasn't at the point of stopping it either. That day I found the messages he had asked if she still wanted to 'keep talking? and that he missed talking to her' as she had unfriended him on Snapchat whilst she was going to be with her BF for four days and she didn't want to intrude our wedding anniversary- nothing in those messages are innocent that he maintains!!! 😡

You sound like nothing has moved on other than you're living a miserable life, scared to be alone ( too much time to think), watching over your shoulder, constant tightness in the chest and stomach, feeling nauseous of what has happened and the prospect that it could happen again in 1,2,5 years time, but worst of all if that fact that the last year was based upon lies, deceit and deception. A fake life. It means nothing now.

What do you think you will do? 😢

Paperdoll16, yeah although my wife told me it was all innocent I still struggle to believe it, but without seeing the messages only the itemised bill I still think the worst.

my mind goes crazy imagining what they could have been talking about, especially the volume of texts 80+ everyday, even on family days out and my birthday, saying one thing to me and feeling another.

When she tells me she loves me now, I think to myself " she said that before does she mean it ?" It's horrible to feel like that when I love her so much.

I don't know what I'm gonna do, I can't imagine I would ever want to leave her, if I want such an emotional type maybe I could. I wrote a long poem about it all, about my feelings during it all and she found it and got upset about how her actions made me feel.
I know she is remorseful about it but it's hard to forgive and forget.

The boats still rocking, but it's still afloat..

Apostle and Paper Doll. Thinking of you bothXX . What Apostle says, my mind does bloody overtime constantly about what they were talking about. In my case they were away together for weeks at a time. the songs and lyrics are full of "cut to the core with emotions for you" and there is only "you and Me' when i look outside the window and these days are full of madness, betrayal and lies etc, and just to torment myself I can actually listen to several of them too on CD as I kept and hid the "spare ones" before he chucked them and photocopied the lyrics, just in case I do leave and need to remind my self "what an arse" . Unlike with you though , its a "past" thing, nothing is ongoing or recent past. Its interesting Apostle you say about texting on your birthday, mine very nicely decided to post on FB in response to one of her posts , "be good to see you when you are next in the UK, Im around till xyz" this was on my birthday 2 years on the trot and several years after I think this all happened. Im actually quite envious of people who discover an unemotional one night stand, I think that I could cope with and forgive far easier than an "in love" scenario for quite a decent period of time with someone who was barely out of their teens and he was 42. He would never ever have told me, I know that and he now is totally "frozen" to discussing any specifics apart from "it was an emotional escape thing" when life was crap. (his mum was dying, our business had issues) How people get over this shit I just dont know, I just know for me its proving very difficult mentally to get past. I look at him and he looks the same and is nice to me and is making forward plans for me to go along with and Im just thinking "you utter fu**wit" .I do kind of still love him but its more of a 65% thing at the moment, not 100%. I know Im going to hurt him hugely if I go and he will say "its all in the past "you just want to punish me" sadly i do yes, I actually do want him to feel totally shit !! because he has put me through hell without much outward sign of any remorse and this is a deep and sharp guy.

Same here sadly - he confessed he'd fallen in love with someone - just an emotional affair, it just happened. She found out he was married and dumped him - cue his confession and pity party. For two days and nights I became detective and was able to access his email - flirty facebook friends, married affairs website. He slept soundly at night whilst I struggled to sleep, generally keep it together. He blamed me - only 50% mind - all my character flaws (not attentive enough, house not clean enough and he also called me a f***@ing* whore)..revealed an appalling character.
It was very clear that I was expected to forgive and forget. He thinks commenting on my wearing a new blouse remedies what he has done. In the final analysis, he will only leave if he has a soft landing (reckon he is still sniffing around on twitter, linked in etc) or if I press for and do all the legwork for divorce. Biding my time....

Thank you for sharing all of your experiences too. It's clear that no matter what the circumstances were that we all feel the same way; that trust and loyalty has been crushed. That feeling of a third party violating the marriage, and that the person you thought felt the same as you had actually allowed that to happen, and kept them hidden/ protected. Yet details of your private life has been shared with them.

I know my husband is remorseful and regrets what he has done but I'm not sure how much further it would have gone if I hadn't found out. I do honestly believe if she asked him to meet up he would have eventually done it. He wanted to continue talking to her and confirmed that the day I found the texts, they both did.

I just need to try and work out what the hell im going to do with my life as I was so happy and felt like I was going to be married to him forever. 😥

@Paperdoll16

There's a difference between regret and remorse... And while your DH continues to not take full responsibility and minimise, he is not remorseful.

See at the link below what true remorse looks like following an affair (physical or emotional)

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5557595

Your counsellor was absolutely wrong to say what they did. I don't blame you for walking out.

If you ever consider counselling again, try and get a counsellor experienced with infidelity.

I think one of the reasons you're struggling with it is his attitude. He's not showing you love on a daily basis and think saying it is ok.

One needs to demonstrate their love. He needs to know how you feel and I suspect he really doesn't get it.

He thinks because it wasn't physical, it's not a betrayal.

He's not being honest with you or himself and I still think that comes when a WS doesn't think they have anything to lose.

I recommend a book (for him) It's called 'Not just friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass.
It's available as a PDF book.

It would be wise to give a timescale in your own mind, to decide whether to stay or not and start getting your ducks in a row.

You may wish to express how you feel in a letter to him as well. About your feelings knowing what he said to the OW and the triggers you get etc. You can if you want, make it clear you don't know if you can get over it. Let him know what he could do to help you try and heal.

There's another good book, called How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald.

If after doing that and giving it time, you don't see any or enough change, then do what you need to and don't feel bad about it.

It

I found out about my H ea 6 weeks ago and I'm devastated. We have been through so much, I never thought anything like this would happen. We are going to counselling both together and on my own but I'm not sure it's working. I really want to work it out but I'm not sure I can. All I can think about it all the messages and lies.

It's awful isn't it, like you user I think if it was a cheap one night stand I could accept it more, there wouldn't be the months of hiding, lying and deception. Of saying things to me to make me think all was rosey.
We still made love like always whilst she was texting this guy, was she thinking of him whilst we where lay together ? Was it his face she was seeing, his body she was feeling.

I'm n bits again today. Dh been admitting to me that he used to send her pictures, or youtube clips, or just funny things that he saw. It's these shared intimacies that I can't get over.

Honestly, right now I feel like running away. I can't hold it together for everyone anymore

What would you all consider an EA?

What would you all consider an EA?

A romantic relationship like any normal one, minus the physical element.

Two people can be close and share aspects of their lives, without it being an EA, but when you'd never want your spouse to see those conversations, then it's quite harmful.

When the two yet and say it's just friends, but talk about their respective partners and their sexual desires, it is beyond 'just good friends'.

It is exactly 5 months today since I found about my husband's 5 year on/off emotional affair with a work colleague. However, he did not discuss our relationship with her and we had no apparent problems in our marriage. He said it just happened and he felt it was just a good friendship. He stopped contact immediately. We had just about worked things out but on Saturday he had a sudden cardiac arrest and is in ICU with a poor prognosis. I am going to regret these last 5 months because sometimes relationships are not perfect but it does not mean they won't be great again . If you love each other give it time and work through it

Halfacup

I hope he gets better and you can build more memories to treasure.

I think an emotional affair doesnt even have to have an element of talking about partners or sexual desires, if its way over the top texting at all hours of day , whatsapp etc and the partner is never mentioning these to their own partner , deleting everything and hiding the fact there is so much communication, thats just as bad too.

halfacup -,
"sometimes relationships are not perfect but it does not mean they won't be great again . If you love each other give it time and work through it"

I don't know why, maybe your situation but those words touched me, thank you.xx

I do hope your husband pulls through and wish you every happiness x

halfcup I'm so sorry to read that. How difficult for you. I hope he pulls through. Thinking of you. Please do not put any regret on yourself though- you didn't ask for this to happen to your marriage. Xx

sweetiebaby I would feel exactly as you do. In fact I do. They shared things between them when he was supposed to do that with me and for that I can not forgive him! The hurt I have when I think of the chats, texts and asking how each other is really really hurts me. I have now accepted that he wanted to know how she was and about her life. He also wanted to update her on his life and his tattoo development (even though I think that's all bullshit as she didn't even know what was on it (our names) or that I designed it!) 🙄

sandy thank you SO much for your reply and those links.

I agree with you about some aspects in his quest to try and minimise it. However, do does try to show me love everyday but that's because he does know what he could lose. She's not there anymore and therefore he only has me!! I remember prior to finding out he wasn't kissing me in the mornings before going to work; not for months. He also told me our relationship had changed over the last three years and whilst all relationships evolve he said it as to make it sound like there was a problem (or maybe to justify his actions in his own head!).

This part of the link you posted resonates completely...
the truth, and it doesn’t editorialize and say things like “she was just a friend.” Real remorse answers the same questions over and over and over again and gives truthful, consistent answers. (None of which is “I don’t know.”) If real remorse doesn’t know, real remorse does whatever it can to find out.

Unfortunately he hasn't done those and I have had inconsistent answers or 'I had forgotten that because it didn't mean anything'!!

I know I'll never get over this. If it was over a two or three week period whilst going through a bad patch I think I could just about try to forgive him but it wasn't. It went on until I found out. The content of those messages were so so painful to read and I'll never see the others between them and she admitted the compliments they paid one another! 😷

In response to the question re emotional affairs, the literature states that anyone that feels they need to hide another relationship from their spouse, delete all the evidence, discuss elements and intimacies of their relationships with the said person, sharing private things between only them etc etc

I have taken my wedding ring off and it will remain off. He's broken the vows in our marriage as he clearly wasn't happy. Although he maintains that he was and always has, he clearly couldn't resist the temptation of a 22 year old girl to give him a little excitement from his responsibilities. However, it has cost him his family in the process and he will have to live with that as I had warned him many many times previously (even twice last year with other colleagues I found messages from which I wasn't too happy with the very personal content)

Thanks. I am hopeful he may improve but the signs are not good. It makes you rethink what's important. My husband was very remorseful and did everything he could to make things better again. I think that's the key if your husband is like that it is worth trying again.

How you guys doing today ?
Halfacup, any good news about your hubby ?

Thinking of you all today .
had a funny moment a few days back. Where everyday I would be worrying about what might happen , something in my head switched and I wasn't overly bothered of what may or at not happen.
Don't know if it's because I've shared it on here or just my minds given up trying to process things 24/7.

I just hope it's not the start of my feelings changing and resentment starting to grow.

apostle. I feel the same too. Initially I was shocked and a bit gobsmacked. Now I am angry and resentful of the time he spent doing the stuff he did whilst i was slaving over our business. I think it happens, you go through lots of different stages. My councellor told me that, and she said sometimes you reach the point of "meh" and realise you just dont feel 100% the same way about the person. Doesnt mean you dont care or even still love them in many ways, it means your gut is more attuned to thinking "i will be ok" if you (or they) decide to move on. You sound a lovely guy (you may of course be a total arsethats the thing about the internet LOL) but from your comments, I dont think so. Sharing is good.

Hi apostle

That's interesting to hear. Do you feel more positive or negative about things in general though??

I have done lots of talking and thinking and had mixed theories on whether worrying about the future is futile or just incredibly unhealthy on your emotional wellbeing and mental health. However, these sudden unexpected shake up of security, stability and trust will inevitablly play a part in a new found sense of worrying about the future. I was always an optimist and felt positive about everything ahead, even potential challenges. I feel I am completely different now; very negative and that by staying I would forever feel unsettled, insecure and paranoid.

I've been quite deep lately and I'm wondering if it's to do with losing my mother as a child. She was ripped out of my life quite unexpectedly. I feel like I've always been okay about it. BUT I think that finding out the man I loved was spending his time away from me was getting to know another woman (and then deleting all its history as I would have been hurt by the content!).
He says I wouldn't but he's never deleted messages from other female colleagues as I'm quite accepting of most (appropriate) things.

I'm going to look into a few ways to help me move forwards as an individual and I've had a few things suggested like emotional freedom technique and meditation etc

My H says that he never had any intention on leaving me. He says it over and over as that means what he did was okay. I see it as more of having his cake and eating it. Safe wife at home and his little thrills when not!

user that's how I feel now. I feel like I can't go back. Too much damage has been done now and my protective barriers are well and truly around me, with millions of padlocks on too!! I guess a type of self preservation.

I also get how you feel that whilst working hard for your family he was spent doing those things. It's really bloody gut wenching to think about and still makes me feel sick.