Its not normal for parents to say negative things to their child is it?

[lottieandmia]

I'm an only child. My mother has always been very critical of me although she would fiercely deny it. Now that I have three daughters of my own I couldn't ever imagine saying the things that she did to me, to them. As a parent I never say anything negative to my children about who they are or what they do.

Examples;

I was good at art. Not as good as my dd but good enough to have got an A at GCSE. My mum said I wasn't very good at it and it made me decide not to study it further. My dad was a graphic designer so it was normal that I should have been interested in it.

Always telling me other people were better than me at things.

At school I was in the choir and in competitions she would point at another school and say 'they were better'

In dance competitions she would say to me afterwards 'don't do X, Y or Z - it looks silly'

I ended up feeling that I would never amount to much. And my parents gave me no direction or support. Because of this I worry constantly that I don't give my children enough support or whether I should be doing more to encourage them. This is partly because I've had various mental health problems and one of my psychiatrists said that my problems are partly to do with lack of support/direction from my parents.

I always tell my children constantly how good they are at something or how well they did at it. I never, ever compare them to someone else. It just feels so wrong to me.

Is this something anyone else can identify with?

I desperately wish she could see how her behaviour has affected me (I didn't have a father so it was doubly painful) but she really doesn't. I try to ask why she says these things or spent her life saying such stuff and all I get is that I 'remembered it wrong' or she 'didnt mean it like that'

I know my mother thinks she does it from love, in our best interests.

I see posts on here all the time- i wouldn't let my child do x, y or z, because they might get bullied.

It seems protective. When really it's a mother saying to a child they're not up to standard, lets change x y and z about you to seek approval from others.

My mum was like this when I was a little girl. She was spiteful, said some really awful things to me that basically destroyed my self confidence - I still feel like I am basically scum. There was physical abuse as well, which was cruel, but the callous things she said left the worst scars.

We have a better relationship now I'm an adult. She actually says nice things to me now - including that I'm a good mother. It's my other half I worry about, he shouts and swears at our son pretty badly when he's naughty and I'm so worried it'll have the same effect on our boy.

I think I might have got through to him tonight, pointing out that he's not modelling the kind of behaviour we're expecting our son to show. I'm just shitscared of the cycle repeating itself.

I think my mum is jealous of me. I'm not sure why but that's the feeling I get

Sorry havent read whole thread but similar to my mother who i've diagnosed as having NPD - en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

I keep her at arms length, have gone no contact for a few years but stopped to please other family members. Just do right by you and your kids, thats whats important. Its unlikely you can change your mums ways or that she even accepts what she does

I also think my mum was jealous of me. Her 'parenting' - a loose term - 'conditioned' me to think either that I had 'ideas above myself' or that I was 'bad and up to no good'.

This thread has resonated with me so much. I wouldn't know where to start, and doubt I could coherently explain the damage her behaviour has created in my life, my lack of self worth, and the (until recently held) belief that boundaries were bad, rude!

I think MN has 'parented' me far better than my own mum! The pick-me dance!! That was an earthquake moment!! Mine had been the pick-me life...

Fingers crossed it's never too late to learn n change ...

My mum is exactly like this and she had a brilliant childhood her parents where amazing. She was the total opposite as a parent.

My mum was of the type that definitely felt it her duty to point out our flaws. In her case it was learned behaviour from her mum too, and in fact she's gotten better at not being so critical over time, and I've got better at telling her when she's said something unkind. I don't think she understands why but she accepts that she's hurt my feelings. I do not recall my mum ever giving me a compliment except 'oh I like those shoes, that's not the kind of thing you normally buy'.

I wouldn't go so far as saying my mum has NPD - but she is very damaged from her childhood. She used to get sent to live in a kind of health clinic when she was only 7 because she was too thin.

She has this sense of entitlement that she's 'entitled' to happiness and that our family has more hardship in life than other people. From what I can see most people have difficulties because that's life.

*TerrorTwilight I am actually a lawyer and yet Im still a disappointment. My university wasnt good enough, Im a crap lawyer, she's had crap lawyers just like me (during her divorce) and Im a disgrace.

If you'd been what she wanted she'd still find fault.

I finally told her to fuck off and said at least I work whereas you do nothing and you're not even a good mother.*

Good for you!

My parents could be critical but in a good way mostly, they just wanted the best for ME and my DB. They'd never say the things posted on here. How emotionally damaging

This made me feel uncomfortable when I saw the trailer in the cinema

I need to watch that. Never heard of it before?

There's a balance to be had, surely? If we spend all their childhood telling children everything they do is excellent and they are brilliant at everything, we set them up for real problems with resilience and relationships. They need to know and accept some people may be better at some things, some things they do aren't special and they can't always win.
Adults need to stop blaming their childhood for all life's problems - there comes a point when as adults we take responsibility for our own emotions and successes/failings. Of course parents shouldn't be telling children they are bad at everything but we can't make them perfect either.

They need to know and accept some people may be better at some things, some things they do aren't special and they can't always win. Don't worry, the outside world will do a perfectly good job of doing that!

*we should be their safe harbour.

Niki Looks like a powerful film. I will keep that in mind to watch.

Trouble with leaving it for the world to do is that the world doesn't love the child like a parent. By the time they reach adulthood a lack of resilience training ends up as a serious issue. If, say, a child is beaten in an art competition it's not doing them any favours to,say "It's unfair, your picture was so much better, you were robbed". Far better " I can see you're disappointed but we can't always win everything. Yours was good but the judges thought Fred's was better."

We need to teach children to cope with failing and take knock backs in their stride. They need to learn the art of getting back up and trying harder.

Far better IMO to say "you tried your best and I love it!" with an added hug to boot!

Children don't learn to pick themselves up if they're frequently getting critized for who they are as a person and being sneered at. They don't tell their parents they have a problem or have made a mistake because they won't get anything constructive in return, just more charactor assassination. They are terrified of trying and failing because who knows when the parent is going to be in a vile mood and seek out a fault, real or perceived, and attack.

Some people have to work hard at taking knocks and getting back up when they're adults, after they realise how their parents acted wasn't justified.

It's so sad to read all these accounts of parents who make their children feel small and insignificant. I can't help but think about what these parents' own lives must have been like in order to behave that way towards their own children! Surely it also made them really miserable as parents, so it's a "lose lose" situation all around.

Not that this in any way excuses the behaviour, or minimises the effect it has on children.

My mum was difficult in a somewhat different way. She praised me a lot, but always when I came out at the top. She would praise the result, and bathe in the glory of having a talented daughter; but it never felt like a "warm" sort of pride. She didn't tell me how good I was for putting all that work and effort into something. She would only show pride once the local newspapers were there, printing my picture.

As a result, I struggle to be anything but "the best" at everything, and it has given me serious issues including eating disorders and substance abuse (all safely in the past now, after many years of therapy). My self confidence is still quite low, and I always underestimate my abilities, even if I know I am quite capable at things.

I just wanted to add this to show that "praising" kids for their achievements isn't always by default a good thing. I would have liked less attention on my achievements, and more a focus on showing me that I was good enough for who I was, without linking my mum's care, love and attention to my achievements.

Hope that makes sense.

"It's unfair, your picture was so much better, you were robbed". Far better " I can see you're disappointed but we can't always win everything. Yours was good but the judges thought Fred's was better."

No. The lesson is not who was better or worse. In this scenario i would say "i'm so proud of you, you worked really hard and produced the best picture you've ever done. Keep working and you'll keep improving"

My kids know i am often prouder of them when they fuck up and don't give up. When they dust themselves off, hold their heads high and get their paints back out working for the next competition. It is so easy to give in and just not bother.

In comparison to my mother, even when i would win competitions would still discourage me from persuing my sport. "It's not worth it, even if you get to the olympics the russians always win".

lalunya it's the other side of the same coin. Pride or disappointment, it's when all the focus is on how the child appears to the world.

"If you live for peoples acceptance, you will die by there rejection". Lacrae

I think that people who don't have parents like ours don't realise what it's like to always be blamed for everything that goes wrong.

If one of my children is ill my mum even finds a way to say that this is my fault! I didn't take them to the GP soon enough, I let their dad take them on an outing when they looked a bit pale.

It's all very well to say that adults shouldn't blame their childhoods for their problems. I'm allowed to be angry that my parents were inadequate and damaging because I don't think I deserved to be treated that way. The problems I have as a result are something only I can work on but it is exactly that - a work in progress. Nobody can wave a magic wand and stop me being attracted to shit, cold unkind men.

It's all very well to say that adults shouldn't blame their childhoods for their problems. I'm allowed to be angry that my parents were inadequate and damaging because I don't think I deserved to be treated that way.

I would go a step further and say that you aren't just allowed to be angry; I think it is a necessary and healthy phase you have to go through in order to move on from a difficult relationship with your parents.

I have a friend who was treated like an afterthought by her family for her entire childhood, still is really. She is expected to care for everyone, but nobody has ever shown any care for her. Sadly, she keeps defending her family members, listing why it is them having a tough time etc. She has never connected with her anger, especially towards her mother. She is protecting her mum, which on the surface is a very mature thing to do. But because she has never really connected with and resolved her disappointment in her upbringing, she is now really struggling mentally and is not finding a way to move on with her life.

In fact, I have another friend with a similar issue. This seems to be quite common, especially among women and towards their mothers.