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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please could anyone advise? New BF daughter dislikes me...

35 replies

lastnicknamefree · 05/03/2017 08:10

Morning and thanks for reading.
I really don't know how to deal with this situation, would love some thoughts and advice.
Met this man 5 weeks ago so extremely early days, our dates have been going really well and I like him a lot. The feeling is mutual, it looked like it had potential to develop into a relationship.
Only his daughter who is 12 is making a lot of noise about the idea, she told him outright she doesn't want him to have a girlfriend, he needs to stop going on about me and has from the the impression he's given me taken an instant dislike to me. We have no plans to meet or introduce our children yet obviously, so it's not causing an issue except it's making me feel uncomfortable knowing this is to come possibly. He said if he had to choose between his kids and a relationship he would always pick them and have to stay single. Of course he would, my children come first too but I do feel like our dating and possibility of a relationship is being dictated to by a 12 years old. If she says she really isn't happy then I feel like that will be that.
On top of the negative vibe towards myself which I kind of understand and can deal with, after all I'm the adult she's still a child, the thing that's bothering me most is her saying she doesn't want any other siblings or kids around. I have a 4 year old son who has no father on the scene so we very much come as a package. I'm looking for a potential partner who will be interested and involved with him and if I'm honest, I feel very protective over my son as he's already been rejected by his father so I don't wish to put him in a situation where he isn't going to be loved and wanted. I know it's a silly thing to be worrying about when I've known this man, all of 5 minutes but I don't really want to invest emotionally any further or put more effort and time into building something with him if there is no chance we could take things further. I know what I'm looking for and just don't want to waste my time, but it's difficult as I do really like him. He has his kids every weekend too.
If you've got this far, many thanks Andrew if anyone has been in this situation or wants to throw any advice my way I'd be very grateful

OP posts:

Original poster

lastnicknamefree · 05/03/2017 08:11

I have no idea who Andrew is, neither do I wish to thanks him
Got to love it when auto correct decides to change words mid air!

OP posts:

Nousernameforme · 05/03/2017 08:19

It's been 5 weeks tell him to stop mentioning you. Stick to weekday meet up's for now and come back to it in 6 months or so. Perhaps the 12 year old has been through this before with him and other women being introduced to quickly only to have them disappear. Give it time

SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear · 05/03/2017 08:28

He shouldn't have even mentioned your existence after 5 weeks.

The message he is sending his daughter is that she is not his top priority any more because he is spending the time he is with her mooning over you.

He needs to completely stop talking about you to her. Completely. She doesn't want to know about her dad's love life!

PosiePootlePerkins · 05/03/2017 08:33

I don't think the daughter is the issue, I think its how he deals with her. The fact that he has told her so early on would be ringing alarm bells for me. Have a conversation about his parenting style. Does the Dd have any ground rules or sanctions if she misbehaves? I think the answers could tell you a lot about whether this will work in the long term, or whether the DD will be dictating how her dad behaves. Of course you are right to be thinking about your DS and considering his needs. Good luck.

noego · 05/03/2017 08:36

Why would you tell a 12 year old your dating a woman 5 weeks in?

So she can report the news back to mum?

juneau · 05/03/2017 08:37

I agree that the problem is him mentioning you to his DD. Maybe he was trying to prepare her for an eventual meeting, or just being honest that he's seeing someone and trying to give her time to get her head around that, but her views are now centre stage when this should be a time for the two of you to get to know one another.

However, you need to be aware that the DC of a new DP can be a major obstacle to a relationship with that person. It seems to be fairly rare that everyone gets on, everyone is tolerant and respectful, and no one tries to manipulate the situation. Many DC from broken marriages simply don't want a new adult - particularly one who comes with DC of their own - in their lives. Only you can decide if this fledgling relationship is worth persevering with, but if you decide to continue don't assume that this girl will come around - she may not budge an inch and if your new DP has made it clear to her that her views count too she might persuade him to scupper things permanently.

supercue · 05/03/2017 08:38

His daughter doesn't dislike you, she doesn't know you.

She isn't the problem, he is.

Underthemoonlight · 05/03/2017 08:40

I'm wondering if there's been several gfs and their DC in the past. How long ago did there parents split up? I do think it's far too soon for him to be even meantioning you to her.

As for your little boy, I been a single mother and met dh it was natural progression that developed over time and years to where they are today it's not something that's going to be instant bond with one another.

I've got to say my parents are together but had split and got new parents I don't think I would have been too chuffed to have to share my dad with other children who get to see more of him so I can understand that it's a natural feeling for her.

KateDaniels2 · 05/03/2017 08:42

If there are no plans for you to meet her yet, why is he telling her and (more importantly) why is he telling you the deatils of how she is reacting?

What does telling you achieve? I think thats quite cruel. I am really sorry but that coupled with the 'i will always pick my kids over you' sounds like he is setting himself a get out clause.

Of course he would pick his kids but she has no reason to dislike you. She hasnt met you. Why is he feeling the need to point this out? He seems to be setting the scene so he can walk away at any point.

Yeahfine · 05/03/2017 08:42

I agree that she shouldn't even be aware of you at this stage but also, why is he telling you already that this is going to be a problem? He should be treading carefully with her and being sensitive to her needs without involving you at all.

This will all seem ridiculous if you split up in a few weeks.

JK1773 · 05/03/2017 08:42

I wholly agree with the others. Why on earth does she know about you after 5 weeks! That's crazy. I'm 4 months in with my new partner and his kids have no idea of my existence which is how it should be. Has he told her so that she will mention it to mum? Very very odd. I'd be worried

ElspethFlashman · 05/03/2017 08:45

This is pretty fucked up, tbh,

He has a very big mouth, doesn't he?

He is messing with his daughters head by blabbing to her about a "girlfriend" he's had for 5 minutes.

He's also putting you on notice that he has a get out clause at any moment I.e his daughter getting snotty.

He's verbally incontinent. And a shit Dad to be talking to his 12 year old daughter about his dating life.

littledinaco · 05/03/2017 08:47

The fact he has mentioned you in the first place and 'keeps going on about you' to his 12 year old would indicate he has very poor judgement.

This shouldn't be an issue at 5 weeks and would be ringing alarm bells for me.
What if it doesn't work out with you after a couple of months and he dates someone else and tells his DD then someone else, etc. This is going to make her feel very insecure and unsettled.

It's really not good parenting to be discussing you with his DD at this stage and for that reason, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with this person.

LynetteScavo · 05/03/2017 08:52

She doesn't dislike you( she's never met you. She dislikes the idea of her dad having a girlfriend because it will take his attention away from her. A perfectly normal initial response from a 12yo IMO.

SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear · 05/03/2017 08:52

Yes, came back to clarify.

She doesn't dislike you, she dislikes the way her dad talks about you to her about you all the time.

I would also want to know more about the boundaries that are in place.

I've been seeing someone for 3 months. I haven't told my children I've even been seeing anyone, let alone anything about him. Which is a good thing because, whilst for the first few weeks/couple of months, it seemed to be going really well and now his interest seems to have petered out a bit so I'm going to end it.

That's why you don't tell your children about every person you date.

JustSpeakSense · 05/03/2017 08:56

Firstly, he needs to stop mentioning you to her, no wonder she's getting stressed about it.

Secondly, she is probably worried about the 'unknown', once you are a familiar entity you will become less 'threatening' to her.

12 year old girls are very easy to bribe bring around, once you finally meet her, and tap into her interests. She may well realise you could be someone she enjoys having around.

Also once she meets you and you assure her that she will
Always be no. 1 in her dads life, and she will still have plenty of time with him all too herself, she will
Perceive you as less of a threat.

Only1scoop · 05/03/2017 08:57

5 weeks
You should just be enjoying the dating, can't believe he's entered into all this with his dd. I'd be cautious with him. It's been just over a month for goodness sake.

juneau · 05/03/2017 09:05

The fact he has mentioned you in the first place and 'keeps going on about you' to his 12 year old would indicate he has very poor judgement.

It could be that or it could be that he's just newly back on the dating scene and hasn't yet (re-)learned to be cautious. A lot of people who've been in a long-term relationship for ages and then suddenly find themselves back on the dating scene make silly, incautious mistakes to start with. Perhaps the OP can clarify how long he's been single and whether there have been other GFs since the marital split.

Sammysilver · 05/03/2017 09:13

Maybe his daughter's accusation about him going on about you is a typically adolescent exaggeration; for all we know, he may have only mentioned you twice. But even so, I agree that the fact that he has mentioned you in the first place shows a distinct lack of sensitivity. You are clear that you are looking for a father figure for your child. Sorry but I don't think that this is the relationship for you.

Original poster

lastnicknamefree · 05/03/2017 09:19

All good advice thank you. To answer the questions, I think he was taking to me on the phone a few times when they were there and she over heard which is how the conversation came about.
Yes he does have verbal incontinence definitely. He's one of those people that needs to find a filter, not purposely insensitive or cruel I don't think so far anyway.
He's been split up with his ex wife for six years and dated a couple, of times so I wouldn't say this was a regular pattern of him bringing new GF home to meet his kids then they are not around again, but in those years obviously he's had a couple of other times he's been dating.
I appreciate the responses, will have a think

OP posts:

KateDaniels2 · 05/03/2017 09:20

So he couldn't have said 'its a friend/someone from work'

Really?

Original poster

lastnicknamefree · 05/03/2017 09:29

Yes he probably could have. But he obviously didn't think it through very well.
I don't think being a bit naive makes him a bad person though

OP posts:

HardcoreLadyType · 05/03/2017 09:29

Yes he does have verbal incontinence definitely.

Consider carefully how it would be to be in a LTR with such a person. You have DC. What about when he starts saying inappropriate things in front of them?

(For clarity, inappropriate does not necessarily mean sexually inappropriate.)

jeaux90 · 05/03/2017 09:32

Longer term he needs to plan this very carefully with her. Your son might be key in this. He is an only child and so is she so she might come round to the idea eventually of loving to have another sibling.

I have been through similar recently. My partner and I are taking things very slow. It's almost a year. He has met my daughter 7 now, I'm a single parent and she has no contact with her father. His son is 12 and he has an ex so we'll not be introducing the concept of an us or my dd for a while.

Your partner needs to shut up for a while or just say daddy is dating someone he really likes. And keep on that message when she asks.

KateDaniels2 · 05/03/2017 09:35

Do you really think you should have these sprts of concerns five weeks in?

As pp says, what happens if he is like this and you move in together? And he is around your son?

Tbh, by your own admission you want a partner who is going to be a big part of your sons life......imagine how hard it is to not have your dad living with you.....but is a big part of someone elses childs life.

He isnt naive. He is a grown man who clearly just says what he wants with worrying or thinking of the consquences. Even with his own daughter.

Do you really want this?

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