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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please talk to me

37 replies

Offred · 04/03/2017 18:29

Previous threads

So basically he wormed his way back in it got worse, he continued to rage at me and one night would not let me leave his house while he raged at me.

A couple of weeks ago I just got completely overwhelmed after a shit day and cried and cried at him about everything he has put me through and the effect it has had on me and must have had on his best friend (who killed himself) and he walked out and I haven't heard from him since.

I have joined a DA women's group who assessed him as the second highest category of risk and who urged me to report to police under coercive control...

So this morning I did.

But when the police came I said I just wanted him to know to leave me alone (they offered to arrest) and didn't want him arrested so they went to warn him re harassment and they couldn't find him...

What do I do now? My anxiety is so bad. His voice is still in my head.

OP posts:
something2say · 04/03/2017 18:34

You need to take responsibility for no contact.
Ignore all messages, hang yp when he rings, don't let him in.
And read why does he do that, angry men book.

Original poster
Offred · 04/03/2017 18:36

He's been blocked since he walked out. I've read the Lundy book.

OP posts:
something2say · 04/03/2017 18:39

Ok that's good.
So the police are going to most likely confuse to try and find him and warn him.
Will that be ok for you? Will you feel better?
If they can't find him it will be a bit of a poor show if they just leave it there, but if they do they should tell you to get back in touch if he shows up again.
At that point they might try again.
But really the biggest thing is you guarding your own gates xxx
How are you feeling?

Original poster
Offred · 04/03/2017 18:42

Very anxious. I hoped they would find him today so I wouldn't have to hide from him tomorrow.

I want it to be over already.

OP posts:
something2say · 04/03/2017 19:11

Ah that's what I was getting at....
You're waiting for HIM to stop it, and only then will it be over.

But for many perpetrators, they just carry it on because they want to.

The only thing that will help will be your determination to ...
Get to safety.
Cross the road when you see him.
Refuse to respond to any comments whether they be I've got cancer, I'm going to kill myself, I still love you, I will die without you, we were perfect together and this time I will change.

If it becomes remotely sinister, is you get scared, then ring 999 and state your location. Don't let him into your home either.

something2say · 04/03/2017 19:13

Are you scared of him?

Original poster
Offred · 04/03/2017 19:16

Yes, petrified of him. I have been for a while just have made so many mistakes - placating him rather than running far away.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/03/2017 19:30

Perhaps you do need to press charges then so you can apply for a anti-molestation order???

I am so sorry you let him back into your life, I really don't know how I can help or give advice. How can we help you stay strong?

Original poster
Offred · 04/03/2017 19:36

Maybe. The police have made a referral to NCDV.

I don't even remember how he got back in.

Just tell me I am not making it all up to manipulate him as he is in my head telling me that all the time just now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Offred · 04/03/2017 19:37

Though god knows why I would want to make all this fear up or what I would get out of him from it...

OP posts:
Original poster
Offred · 04/03/2017 19:38

It is what he would say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Offred · 04/03/2017 19:38

That I was having another 'dramatic tantrum' and he wasn't going to 'pander to it'.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/03/2017 19:42

He has been gas lighting you (again)

It doesn't matter what he says, or what he thinks, you don't want him in your life anymore.

What are you frightened of - what do you think he is going to do, that is making your frightened?

abbsisspartacus · 04/03/2017 19:42

I believe you

Original poster
Offred · 04/03/2017 19:44

Rage at me. He has frightening rages that destroy me emotionally. It sounds stupid.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/03/2017 19:46

No it doesn't stupid, it sounds utterly toxic and takes you into a traumatised place.

Flowers
Original poster
Offred · 04/03/2017 19:46

When he rages he often traps me in with him in places I can't get away from.

OP posts:
Trustyourself2 · 04/03/2017 19:47

You're scared of him and that's enough to know you're doing the right thing of going NC. Stop blaming yourself for being petrified. You don't have to explain yourself to him anymore. Let the police help you & don't put yourself at risk.

Do you have anyone you can be with tonight or someone you can go to?

Original poster
Offred · 04/03/2017 19:49

Sometimes I completely shut down and then it enrages him more because he demands answers. Sometimes I can walk away but he rages that that is childish and a way of me having the last word. Very occasionally I have argued back but it just feeds his rage. if I tell him to leave he won't go and when I said I would leave he wouldn't let me go, physically stood between me and the door and continued raging and mocking me saying I wanted to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Offred · 04/03/2017 19:50

The only way I have to deal with it is to try not to anger him but that is difficult because he is often spoiling for a rage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Offred · 04/03/2017 19:51

Even if I do nice things for him sometimes he rages that I have done them to manipulate and control him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Offred · 04/03/2017 19:52

I've got a neighbour over the road, yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Offred · 04/03/2017 19:56

He can take days working himself up to rage. He will have been doing that since he walked out I think.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/03/2017 19:56

You don't live together do you?

His sole purpose of having a relationship with you is to rage at you and control you - the power that gives him.

How can we help you stay no contact? Have you blocked him on all devices?

He turns up on the door, call the police and get him to leave.

Original poster
Offred · 04/03/2017 19:56

Yeah, he's blocked on everything but the police told me his mobile has been cut off anyway.

OP posts:
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