Hi
I have posted a few times on here over the past few months but here's a summary - I need some advice on how to handle this situation...
Together with stbxh for 20 years 2 dc 10 and 4. Abusive relationship (physically in the early days but since the kids it's been emotional and verbal) he finally started speaking to my son in the same way so I decided enough was finally enough. I ended the relationship but felt that the best thing was to stay until may when I could remortgage and buy him out but we were most definitely living separately as much as possible. During this period of about a month his behaviour became unbearable - first came superman/dad - this didn't work on me so he moved on to horrific verbal abuse of me in front of the kids and behind their backs, he started using the kids against me and bringing them into our arguments that didn't work either so he tried to drive a wedge between me and my ds and this didn't bring me back 'In line' either. so he then upped his game to really threatening behaviour and I actually felt scared. So 2 weeks ago i reported him to the police and made him leave by telling him that if he didn't go I would press charges and I had reported him to the authorities. He was out of our house faster than you can blink. I didn't hear from him for nearly a week, he then contacted me to see if I would allow him to see the kids. I agreed.
He has been seeing them every couple of days for a few hours. He is temporarily living with a family member and has to move out next Tuesday. He informed me that he has a flat share which he can stay in til I can get him the money in may but that it is not suitable to take the dc to so has suggested that he spend some time with them here..
I am uncomfortable with this and I don't know what to do. Since he left I have started to see even clearer how bad the situation was and the thought of him being here makes me really stressed but I want to do the right thing by the dc. Is this just another way of controlling me? I understand that if he always has to spend time with them outside then it's not the same and not relaxed for them... but does it matter?
He can obviously come back to live here any time he likes since we are still married and it's his house but if he tried this I would ring the police and this, I think, is why he seems clear that he is not coming back here to live ever again.
The other thing is that my ds(10) has been coming to Terms with the new situation and I have been supporting him in his up/down moods and anger about it all but I have made it very clear that his dad will not be coming back due to his atrocious behaviour of us all. He is getting better now but he still loves his dad and wants to spend time with him of course. If his dad came here would this be sending him mixed messages?
I feel (maybe selfishly) that this house is now 'a safe space' for us and I don't want him here again!
Any thoughts appreciated!