Should I let stbxh look after dc in my house?

[Secretlife0fbees]

Hi
I have posted a few times on here over the past few months but here's a summary - I need some advice on how to handle this situation...
Together with stbxh for 20 years 2 dc 10 and 4. Abusive relationship (physically in the early days but since the kids it's been emotional and verbal) he finally started speaking to my son in the same way so I decided enough was finally enough. I ended the relationship but felt that the best thing was to stay until may when I could remortgage and buy him out but we were most definitely living separately as much as possible. During this period of about a month his behaviour became unbearable - first came superman/dad - this didn't work on me so he moved on to horrific verbal abuse of me in front of the kids and behind their backs, he started using the kids against me and bringing them into our arguments that didn't work either so he tried to drive a wedge between me and my ds and this didn't bring me back 'In line' either. so he then upped his game to really threatening behaviour and I actually felt scared. So 2 weeks ago i reported him to the police and made him leave by telling him that if he didn't go I would press charges and I had reported him to the authorities. He was out of our house faster than you can blink. I didn't hear from him for nearly a week, he then contacted me to see if I would allow him to see the kids. I agreed.
He has been seeing them every couple of days for a few hours. He is temporarily living with a family member and has to move out next Tuesday. He informed me that he has a flat share which he can stay in til I can get him the money in may but that it is not suitable to take the dc to so has suggested that he spend some time with them here..
I am uncomfortable with this and I don't know what to do. Since he left I have started to see even clearer how bad the situation was and the thought of him being here makes me really stressed but I want to do the right thing by the dc. Is this just another way of controlling me? I understand that if he always has to spend time with them outside then it's not the same and not relaxed for them... but does it matter?
He can obviously come back to live here any time he likes since we are still married and it's his house but if he tried this I would ring the police and this, I think, is why he seems clear that he is not coming back here to live ever again.
The other thing is that my ds(10) has been coming to Terms with the new situation and I have been supporting him in his up/down moods and anger about it all but I have made it very clear that his dad will not be coming back due to his atrocious behaviour of us all. He is getting better now but he still loves his dad and wants to spend time with him of course. If his dad came here would this be sending him mixed messages?
I feel (maybe selfishly) that this house is now 'a safe space' for us and I don't want him here again!
Any thoughts appreciated!

No advice here as I am currently sat wondering whether to reply to Ex EA OH from a " when you come on Sunday wear those tight jeans. I watched you walk out the other day and ran your hands through your hair. i ain't giving up on that " ........ I'm going with the ignore stance at the moment or "they are in the wash".

I just wanted to say (were exchanged posts a few weeks ago), well done for being so strong. I am pleased your kids seem ok, and you seem to have your head totally in the right place. Its great you are thinking about what is the best to do for the kids and you, and I would say with an outside view, and I agree the best thing is not to let him in the house. How you phrase that i am not sure. Just keep it to the point and unemotional (I have been trying to be as kind as possible, because even though I hate him, i still do care about him- crazy it may seem), i am not suggesting you do the same by the way.

[wine} Cheers :)

Pudding...pricks like that do not deserve your kindness

Thanks Pudding. I agree that you are being far too kind to your arsehole ex. I wouldn't even dignify that with the response that 'they're in the wash'. Why are you seeing him on Sunday? I wouldn't respond at all. He sounds extremely creepy and that actually made my blood run cold... ew. Its not for him to give up is it, the decision is out of his hands..

Secretlifeofbees: I haven't replied. i have to pick some stuff up for the kids and some of my stuff too. It will be a shot visit (I left the house). He isn't normally creepy in any way, in fact I can't remember the last time he complimented me. I think he's trying any trick in the book to try win me back. But I have my eyes wide open and that won't happen.

This sounds really quite threatening: 'I ain't giving up on that'... are you sure you're safe to go there alone?
Since I have realised how abusive my ex is/was I see now all these things are just ways to get the control back. That's why my ex went from super dad to scary because when something isn't working they just try a different approach because in the past one of the tricks actually did work eventually.
Have you done the online freedom prog yet? It's really worth doing, the more you learn, the less power they have and the more you see what pathetic idiots they really are.
It's only taken me 20 years....! He's broken my nose (amongst other injuries), taken a massive overdose which nearly killed him, and so many other things along the way. I'm finally free!

You are an inspiration, Bees

Thank you so much AF.

I understand what you're saying, I'm fine to go alone. Thanks for the concern. We've had dinner and seen each other a few times, he hasn't crossed the line apart from using emotional tactics to make me feel guilty.

You've done so well. I'm trusting myself on this one for the first time in a long while. I'm much much stronger than I was. I'm in my own space and our contact is pretty minimal. If I sense it's turning I'll remove myself. do I sound naive?

Had dinner and seen each other a few times ?

Why ?

I don't know really pudding, we all have our ways of 'managing' difficult people that maybe doesn't look rational from people on the outside. HOWEVER, it's also really easy for abusers to gradually use this kindness to trick us and before we know it, we're trapped again one way or another. I've always found it hard to treat stbxh the way I would objectively tell someone else to treat their dickhead husband... because well you know they 'don't know him like I do' and all the other excuses that I'd use to justify his behaviour. Like this thing with the dc today, I was really considering letting him come here to mind the kids.. til I wrote it on here and actually had a unanimous response that that would be a really shit idea. I have started treating him like the person he is, not my husband, not the father of my kids who I loved for so many years, but like the abusive wanker that he is, because in the end they are all the same, contemptuous pieces of work who don't DESERVE what we have put into these marriages.
Don't feel sorry for him, think about what you'd say someone else if it were their ex.. and do that instead.

Anyfucker, because we have two kids. My eldest asked if we could have dinner, was ok. Every situation is different and I don't fear for my safety. I'm mindful he might be trying to manipulate me but i don't think he is. It's difficult to explain here, but I suppose it's because I feel a bit sorry for him. And I'm trying to ease my own guilt by extracting myself slowly. Rofhtly or wrongly, I gotta believe I'm doing the right thing for the kids trying to keep it civil.

You're me about 2 months ago.
You don't have anything to feel guilty about. I was so so guilty about breaking up the family because that's the line he used on me for years, all about how I would be damaging the kids but honestly it's just another tactic. I just ripped off the band aid one day. I told my son that i wasn't standing for this anymore and that he didn't have to like it but that I was his mother and that's what I had decided to do. Once I stopped pussyfooting around my ex, the whole dynamic changed. Don't feel guilty About anything. You're not the one in the wrong here, if your kids are upset, well it's not your fault, your ex should feel bad, not you.
Stop trying to please him/placate him, do things YOUR WAY.

You're right. I don't hate him, perhaps I should. I need to tell him I'm not coming back as I guess he is hopeful but I haven't felt strong enough for the fall out that will bring. The boys adore their dad, they want to spend time with him so I have to see him from time to time. I would rather try and keep that civil rather than stressful. Have a good weekend :)

Pudding, I don't see what he said as a compliment, it's more like boundary-pushing. I bet you he's viewing the meals and seeing each other as a way back in, and your kindness as his invitation.

You need to find that strength, because at some point you are going to have to say "actually I'm not coming back": however long you leave it, you are still going to get that fall-out. And he'll turn back these kindnesses of yours as "leading him on" and stuff like that.

I agree, the longer you leave it, the worse it's gonna be. You've been strong enough to leave! Just make it very clear and let him process it however he likes. The worst bit is over... you can facilitate a relationship between him and the dc without putting yourself in this position. Be strong. I know it is difficult believe me but this is the start of your new life.. don't waste another second