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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm scared that going back to school is going to damage my marriage

32 replies

Sugarmagnolia · 03/03/2007 10:09

I've been offered a place on a course for next September. It's something I've been wanting to do for a long, long time. Money and time will be tight if I do it and the kids will need more childcare but I'm sure we can manage. But I'm really scared that it's going to seriously harm my marriage if I go ahead with it.

I dont' really understand. Since we first met DH has always known that I dreamed of having a proper career. He used to seem proud of me for wanting to do this. He would tell people I was a psychologist even though I wasn't actually qualified as one. Now I have a chance to be a professional counsellor and he hates the idea. I've always worked and he's ok with that but this seems different. Every time I try to talk to him about it he either says he doesn't want to discuss it or he gets really hostile. He keeps saying things like, well if you're going to do it then do it but just for the record I don't want you to! The only reason that makes sense is because I work for him right now and if I leave it will put more work on his shoulders. But that doesn't seem enough of a reason to account for such hostility. I don't know how to get through to him as every time we discuss it we end up fighting and I usually end up in tears thinking maybe it's just not worth it and I should chuck the whole thing. It's not really worth risking my marriage over, is it?

OP posts:

NuttyMuffins · 03/03/2007 10:11

Is he worth risking your dreams over ??

He should be supporting you all the way.

zippitippitoes · 03/03/2007 10:11

he is being jealous and controlling

thrash it out with him

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 03/03/2007 10:13

He should be supporting me and I don't understand what's happening. He thinks that as long as he pays for it he's supporting me but this course isn't going to be easy adn I don't know if I can face it without any emotional support.

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 03/03/2007 10:15

does he think you will grow away from him meet new people possibly even men, be cleverer than him have an interest he doesn't know about etc

Swizzler · 03/03/2007 10:17

If he's that hung up over the financial side, can you get a career development loan? Or agree to pay him back after you've qualified? May mean he has nothing to complain about - as you said, the emotional support is far more imp than the financial.

FWIW, DH and I have always had a degree of financial independence (no joint account) and it works well for us (sit different at the moment as I'm on maternity leave)

Miaou · 03/03/2007 10:18

You really need to sort this one out, sugarmag - if you don't do the course I think there is a good chance that you will spend the rest of your life resenting him for holding you back, which is just as unhealthy.

I would suggest you write down how you feel about this in a letter, and give it to him, and ask him to explain exactly what his objections are. Is it because he is losing your help in his business? Is he jealous/feeling insecure because of this new direction? Is he afraid this will make you a "stronger" person and that will change the dynamics in your relationship? All these are (to an extent) valid reasons for him to be negative about it - but not discussing it at all is just simply not on and will lead to bigger trouble further down the line if he doesn't tackle it fairly.

Hope you manage to sort it out. I don't think it's a case of risking your relationship if you do take on the course - I think he is risking it by being so dictatorial about this.

zippitippitoes · 03/03/2007 10:21

it is something which doesn't involve him and you are to an extent demonstratingindependence

definitely needs discussion but not you caving in to emotional pressure

NuttyMuffins · 03/03/2007 10:36

I agree with Miaou.

Xp hated me doing any type of course or anything where I met new people.

The first time I did the access course, I left because it was causing rows between me and xp. If I had ignored him, i'd be in my 2nd yr of uni now.

You will resent him for holding you back if you don't do this.

scrapper · 03/03/2007 16:47

Wonder if it's anything to do with what type of course it is?
I'm a counsellor myself and remember when I was doing my training, many moons ago, that a couple ofl people on my course ended their relationships due to the time spent discovering themselves, ifykwim.
Perhaps he is worried you will somehow change and grow away from him?

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 04/03/2007 07:33

Hi scrapper. I've been told by a few people that these courses can be difficult on relationships. That's even more reason why it scares me - we're having trouble and i haven't even started!

I was talking to my dad about it yesterday and his point of view was that I should do what I need to do and not worry so much about what DH thinks and have faith that we'll get through it. Maybe pushing DH to talk about how he's feeling is not the way to go....?

OP posts:

frenchconnection · 04/03/2007 11:13

Do what you want to do! its your dream ,sod him! he is jealous. What a tosser.

scrapper · 04/03/2007 11:39

I don't want to give the impression that all counselling courses will result in relationship difficulties or break-ups. I think it only happens if there are problems to begin with and can also depend on the type of course/counselling you do. Some courses are very intensive, with lots of scope for personal development, some don't have much emphasis on personal growth/issues.
I suppose what I'm trying to say in a very long-winded way, is that you shouldn't be afraid to do it because it might damage/change/end a relationship. Only you will know if the training is right for you!
Good luck whatever you decide though.

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 05/03/2007 10:24

Have talked to him a little bit. He says he doesn't mind my doing it he just doesn't think this is the right time. I think it's only going to be harder in a couple of years. He says worrying about things like the kids extra-curricular activities is "nonsense"! I also suggested a Career Development Loan to help with the costs - if you pay it off before the first payment is due you don't even pay any interest but he says getting a loan effects our credit rating. I can't seem to win here.

OP posts:

choosyfloosy · 05/03/2007 10:38

loans affect your credit rating positively, provided you pay them off regularly.

the people the credit raters can't stand are the ones who don't go overdrawn, have no credit cards, don't take out any loans etc!

Clearly something is worrying him but i can't help feeling he perhaps has not yet pinned down what's wrong in his own mind, which maybe means he is having trouble articulating it to you

i have to say that it is absolutely right that courses/study are a strain on relationships IMO, because they never go away - relaxed time as a couple, at a premium already because of children, becomes time you almost resent because you could be tackling an essay. but you know all this, and prob you are more organised than me

could it be that he knows someone at work whose partner left as a result of new life following a course? something like that? there may be no answer to some of these concerns, of course - the proof will be in the pudding.

i do believe you should do it, but you are right to try and get these worries at least aired now.

doesn't help that he's calling your worries 'nonsense'

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 05/03/2007 22:32

We talked about the loan idea again - as it would be in my name it wouldn't effect his credit rating anyway. He wanted to know how I planned to pay it back.

I am such an idiot. You know I gave up a £30,000 a year job to work part time for him because we agreed it would be easier to look after our family that way. Our bloody family. I gave up that income secure in the knowledge that he would support me. And he will. As long as I do things his way. God, I'm so angry and hurt and sad and upset I don't even know what to do with myself.

I tried to explain to him that having a career was a big part of my identity and that I feel disappointed and a depressed that I haven't managed it. He got furious with me because he took that to mean I was dissapointed with my life - ie him, my family etc. Even when I made it very clear that wasn't what I meant it was like he chose to deliberately misunderstand me. Instead of support and sympathy all I got was abuse.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 06/03/2007 07:24

So I wrote DH a letter last night - when I couldn't sleep at 1am after a huge row! I tried to explain why all this is so important to me, how I really need his support and don't feel I have it, and how shattered and upset I am by the whole thing. I left it on his desk this morning. He left without a word.

OP posts:

meowmix · 06/03/2007 07:44

aw SM - he's feeling a loss of control hence the emotional blackmail stuff (and I'm not saying he's rationally doing it, he isn't he just doesn't know he's doing it). Sounds like he's reacting to emotional stuff without thinking it through.

If you see it purely from his emotional point of view:

he's losing contact with you in the workplace

he's losing an ally at work
the work he's involved you in has been rejected by you as unfulfilling
he's having to pay for you to reject him
you're going to be meeting new people and he won't be part of it
you're chosing to leave him for something new
he'll have to do more at home so you can study
its all jam for you but nuisance for him
you're pressurising him to do something he doesn't want
he doesn't like you to change - you're his constant
what if this leads to other changes that he can't control

Not saying AT ALL that he's justified or right but I'd put the farm on that being behind this.

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 06/03/2007 08:22

I think you've hit the nail on the head with a few of these:

the work he's involved you in has been rejected by you as unfulfilling
he's having to pay for you to reject him
he'll have to do more at home so you can study
you're pressurising him to do something he doesn't want

But even knowing that, how do we get past this? He does have some valid reasons for not being keen on the idea. At the same time, I can't picture a future where I do what I'm doing for the next 25 years. So how do find a compromise? Is it totally unreasonable to want him to say, "you know, if this is that important to you we will find a way to make it work" instead of "well if you want to do it you will have to figure out how to pay for it/make it work etc - don't expect me to give up my summer holiday just so you can go to school"

Also, he keeps getting all worked up over these pointless excersises - like trying to work out exactly how much this course will cost per hour of teaching time! WTF is that all about?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 06/03/2007 11:00

Now he says go pay the deposit! No explanation, no apology, just do it.

Is it just that men see things in a more black and white way than women - do it or don't do it, end of story - without all the emotional stuff we bring to a situation?

OP posts:

madamez · 06/03/2007 11:03

THe bottom line is that he thinks of you as his property and doesn't want you to make independent decisions. Bear in mind that it's never worth giving up anything important for A Relationship because partners come and go but learned skills and followed dreams are with you forever.
Of course, if you can get the current partner to meet you half way on iimportant issues it's better all round - but is a relationship with someone who won't try to meet you half way worth having?

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 06/03/2007 11:06

Ok, I know how this is going to sound, but despite everything I've said here he's still a great husband and a great father and I love him - so yes, it is worth having and I couldn't really imagine my life without him.

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 06/03/2007 13:11

FRENCHCONNECTION (with apologies to Sugarmagnolia for hi-jacking your thread) - are you still looking for part-time nannying? I posted on your thread on Friday, but haven't heard back from you...

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 06/03/2007 16:12

Well I got my explanation. Want to hear it?

"you win"

I didn't want to "win". Why did it have to be a battle? Still

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 06/03/2007 16:15

I would just book it. He'll come around in time. He's just being a sore loser from the sounds of it. I agree that sacrificing something like this is a pretty big demand of you, whereas asking him to understand why you want to do it and support it is a reasonable thing to expect from your partner...

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 06/03/2007 16:19

Yes, I will book it - in fact I've already written the cheque, just not posted it yet. The question is, what to do when he comes home. It was such a huge row last night I actually left the house for a while and didn't come back until he was in bed adn we didnt' speak this morning. Do I

1 -try to smooth the waters a bit
2 -try to talk about it some more (and risk more fighting)
3 -neither, just let it blow over on its own

OP posts:

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