I'm scared that going back to school is going to damage my marriage

[Sugarmagnolia]

I've been offered a place on a course for next September. It's something I've been wanting to do for a long, long time. Money and time will be tight if I do it and the kids will need more childcare but I'm sure we can manage. But I'm really scared that it's going to seriously harm my marriage if I go ahead with it.

I dont' really understand. Since we first met DH has always known that I dreamed of having a proper career. He used to seem proud of me for wanting to do this. He would tell people I was a psychologist even though I wasn't actually qualified as one. Now I have a chance to be a professional counsellor and he hates the idea. I've always worked and he's ok with that but this seems different. Every time I try to talk to him about it he either says he doesn't want to discuss it or he gets really hostile. He keeps saying things like, well if you're going to do it then do it but just for the record I don't want you to! The only reason that makes sense is because I work for him right now and if I leave it will put more work on his shoulders. But that doesn't seem enough of a reason to account for such hostility. I don't know how to get through to him as every time we discuss it we end up fighting and I usually end up in tears thinking maybe it's just not worth it and I should chuck the whole thing. It's not really worth risking my marriage over, is it?

Be gracious in your "victory" and say how much you appreciate him being prepared to support you in pursuing your dreams even though you know he doesn't buy into them himself and how much it means to you that he will support your actions because of their importance to you. Then crack open a bottle of something bubbly and celebrate/win him around...

I don't think this is about property to be honest, I think he's feeling threatened. Expect some "not interested' reactions when you start and just ignore it. Keep talking to him about the course once you start but if you complain or whinge he'll do a told you so. Tell him about stuff you learn rather than about people you meet in great detail - he'll come round when he realises that you're not actually choosing this over him, just this as well as him.

The factoring cost per hour of teaching is classic boy technique to devalue something. DH did exactly the same to me when I did a course a while ago.

Peak points of trouble ahead: day you get nervous about starting, day yoy start, first coursework crisis, first social. Once you're over those you'll be ok.

OH! but don't give in and make everything the same as it ever was at home and kill yourself studying at night. He won't appreciate it and you'll get tired.

Just show him that you're dealing with it. its not changed his life that much and that you're still his wife.

"Expect some "not interested' reactions when you start and just ignore it. Keep talking to him about the course once you start but if you complain or whinge he'll do a told you so."

Meowmix - are you sure you don't know my DH????

I expect that's exactly the reaction I'll get!

I did however get some flowers last night and an assurance that I should post the cheque. Not exactly an apology and he certainly doesn't want to "talk" about it anymore, but it will do.

nah but I have a lovely t-shirt with the "Been There, Done That" slogan if you'd like it!

flowers means he knows he's being unfair (5 points), not talking about it means he's beginning to deal with it (5 points). Save the points for the start of course sulk!!

Sugarmagnolia: so glad you're going ahead with this. Good luck with the course and remember you can always whinge on here if you need to

Thanks! Personal therapy is often recommended as part of a counselling course - do you think MN counts?