So the background to this is that I have been NC with my dad for nearly 35 years. He and my mother split up crimoniously and he was violent towards her in the final days.
One of my earliest memories is her picking me up out of bed when I was about three or four, in the middle of the night after had had hit and she fled as if for her life through the night, pausing only to get me. She ran a few roads away to the house of an older lady and her daughter who ran the nursery I attended from home.
Various bits of twattishness ensued- going bankrupt to avoid paying child support and ensuring that the house my mum and I lived in was repossessed as part of the bankruptcy, refusing to see me without his new partner even when ordered by the court (after a social worker sent into observe the situation reported that his new partner was emotionally abusive to me in the sw's presence and in front of my dad), getting married on my 13th birthday and sending me a piece of cake through the post, sending me letters about his DSD's pony and family holidays to Tenerife whilst refusing to pay child support etc.
He tried contacting me fairly half heartedly a few times over the course of the years. Used to sit outside my secondary school in his car watching for me, got his partner (who worked in. City centre shop) to approach me once, emailed me when Friends Reunited was first a thing, called me after somehow obtaining my number after my mum died (I suspect the humanist celebrant I engaged for the service was socially connected to him and passed on the number, either that or a school friend of my mum did).
I did make a more sustained attempt at contact about 10 years ago, to see if their was anything there to be either salvaged or ignited- met a few times over the course of a three or four months. Realized that few if any of the circumstances of the relationship breaking down had changed and until things did shift, it would just go round and round. It was also obvious he was serially cheating on his partner, as he had done on my mum, and as an adult, I was very uncomfortable with that. (To be clear, it broke down when I was about 7, and he & my mum became extremely acrimonious, and after he refused to see me without his partner despite the court ordering that contact should be me and him only. When I got back in touch with him his stance was that it was much more my fault than his that things hadn't worked out then, my mum had practiced parental alienation until I rejected him and I should have resisted that harder).
Anyway, tonight DH came home from work, and after the initial pleasantries where exchanged and dinner decided on, he sat me down to tell me something obviously fairly serious. Upshot being that someone from kind of search/detective agency had phoned his best friend looking for me, on behalf of my dad, as 'her dad isn't that well". DH's mate declined to pass on any details but took number saying he'd pass it on and we'd be in touch if appropriate. My guess is that it's because DH's mate was his best man at the wedding, one of the witnesses and the search person got the details off the wedding certificate (we moved since getting married).
Anyway, I'm not sure what to do. I've had a lot of therapy last few years and have come to terms with things pretty well.
To be honest, I'm a bit sceptical about whether he is ill/how ill he is. Partly because well, a search person would say something like that to get a connected person to relent re passing on details, and because my dad was an inveterate liar.
If he is ill, I do remember saying to my aunts years back that I wouldn't have the heart to say no to a deathbed request. Her response was "That's just because you don't want to be that kind of person. You don't have to do it". I was a bit taken aback by that, but now that it might have happened, I realise partly what she meant by that I think- if he does that, it's just all about him again, not about you, he had plenty years to give rebuilding a relationship with you a decent shake, this is just about putting you in a position where you can't say no to what he wants (he is very manipulative- also very charismatic, machiavellian and good looking so gets away with it with many people, especially women).
My current thought is to get DH to phone the search woman back, ask her to stop contacting people (in case she chases up various aunts, cousins, school friends etc). And maybe to get to ask point blank "How ill is he?".
Beyond that, I don't know. My first feeling was profound sense of relief that all the darkness that started that night my mum ran into the night with me might finally be gone for good-I've always had a sense of foreboding that he might make my world come crashing down again somehow, although therapy, good friends and a good husband have eased that feeling. I know I don't want to get involved with his second family in any way- with one exception, they have generally been pretty awful to me, I was always pretty much Cinderella in their eyes, and I know his wife would be very against me having any place in his life, as she always has been. My other feelings aren't that apparent yet, although I can tell emotion is running quite high within myself, so spent a bit of time tonight clearing decks of stuff to me done Friday-Monday. Partly in case of possible mercy dashes, but mostly in case a lot of old deep distress NC emotions rears up.
If he really is at death's door, I would probably be able to go see him briefly, on his own, to say goodbye. Anything other than that, I don't think I want to face it. I was used to this kind of high drama when I was growing up (running into night, homelessness, kidnapping one time, disappearances, he tried to have my mother committed once). I realise he is probably a narcissist and enjoys being the centre of a swirling pool,of destructive chaos. I've worked hard not to have that kind of life, to heal the damage that an early life like that did and get a good, kind, enjoyable happy life together. I don't want to be sucked back into the drama.
How do I handle this?