50/50 split of childcare on divorce - is this best for the children? How do you feel about it? How does it work?

[WavingNotDrowning]

I've been divorced for 2 years and have had almost sole charge of the children (6 of them aged now, 4-18) since then. ExH has been crap and now sees them once a fortnight. half the children refuse to go so I pretty much have sole charge. I'm working full time.

I've finally cracked, I just can't do it. ExH continually complains that he can't carry on funding me to the extent he does (child maintenance, not spousal - he is pretty good at paying this) and the children continually throw the fact that their father is wonderful and they want to live with him, at me. My job and health are suffering. So I've suggested shared care.

I have suggested 50/50 split - maybe one week on, one week off. I wondered who did this? How does it work? Do you miss the children on your weeks off?

Do the children benefit from this arrangement? I think mine do need to see their father more. They love and miss him. he isn't a crap father (well he is a bit - but he's capable of doing it).

Thanks if you've read this. I'm truly at breaking point at the moment.

NOt quite right Kr1stina. But I don't think ex has thought about this beyond reducing what he pays.

1. he's going to reduce money (he told me this today) - I can't afford to stay in the house. Will have to get somewhere further out/smaller
2. I'm exhausted and can't carry on doing full time work and children - when I started the thread this was the main factor. Factor 1 has now arisen.
3. stroppy teens are awful to live with
4. stroppy teens have said they want to live with dad (I suspect they don't really mean this but just said it to be hurtful)
5. stroppy teens would be ok living with dad if he lives nearby (they avoid going to him now because he isn't nearby). However I think they are in for a shock if they think that living with dad will be easier.
6. younger ones haven't been consulted (they're 8 and 4). I think they would be fine with him but I suspect if asked they won't want to leave me
7. dad's a disney dad and sees some of them once a fortnight. they all think he's amazing. I think he's a twat. He jaunts around not doing a proper job and with a girlfriend who apparently hates children (she's 15 years younger I think). But also continually goes on about how much he misses them. and how I'm a crap parent who stops him doing any parenting. I don't think he's put any thought to childcare for the younger ones or boring stuff like cooking for them, washing their clothes, taking them to the dentist etc etc.

He's even worste than that Kittybiscuits - he tells the children he can't see them more because I take all of his money, he calls me a bitch, a cunt, etc in front of them. He says that I'm unreasonable because a reasonable person would let him do childcare in my house (where I'm meant to go I don't know).

He pays more than CMS amounts Kitty - he's a high earner. (who refuses to disclose his income to the court because that would involve telling the inland revenue...).

I'm really identifiable through this thread I think.

My guess is that he imagines that you will continue to do all the boring stuff during the part of the week that they live with you .

There was a thread on here once by some dad who had done zero parenting before the split and who was suprised that his ex refused to spend her free time teaching him how to look after his own kids. So he came only MN expecting us to teach him stuff like to to register your kid at the dentist and where to buy toothpaste ( seriously ) . He claimed that he has not been " allowed " to do anything while he was still married which is so plausible.

Sounds like your ex.

Then it's no wonder they are playing you up a treat - he's setting them a fine example. How do you know that he's paying more than CMS if he won't declare his income? You might not want to answer here but I'm wondering. One advantage of CMS -you can let your children see the calculations. Mine were astonished to see how much their father earns because they believed that he was giving me almost all of his money and had hardly anything left to live on. I would put a stop to all abusive behaviour. I think your DCs would respect you more if you did this. He sounds...like a car crash and I can't imagine how your DCs would benefit from spending more time with him.

So the problem with his grand plan is that

1. You would have to sell your house , so the kids would have to either move school /college or commute for part of the time

1. You suspect that it will fail in the medium term and you will end up doing 95% of the parenting on less money in a smaller house

The good bit is

1. Arsey ungrateful teens are driving you up the bloody wall and you could do with a break from them

1. They might be nicer to you and appreciate you more if they are away half the time

1. Younger kids might go more often if he lives closer

Have I got it right this time ?

I'm sorry to say that your thread is not remotely identifiable because the country is awash with selfish bastard men who don't want to support their own kids and think that if they are doing 5% of the parenting and 10% of the cost of raising a child , they are dad of the year

How old are these stroppy teens?

Oh WavingNotDrowning what a nightmare for you. Sorry if my post isnt helpful but given what you've said I'm not sure that I'd be pushing for my DC to spend more time with him. It does not sound good for them.

I haven't found convincing research on what is best for DC re contact. My instincts in my own situation are that my children needed far more than EOW to have a meaningful relationship with their dad. But he would never call me names. I'm sorry your ex is behaving so badly.

I wonder if someone with children across a range of ages can help with ideas to make your situation more bearable. Sorry, that's a bit feeble.

the younger kids are very happy to spend EOW with him - they adore him. It's the 4 older ones who refuse. So I never get a break.

yes, he tells them he gives me all his money. They then throw that back at me. Unfortunately for him, he left his emails logged on on my laptop when he left, this included his yahoo notes where he wrote all of his income. So I knew he was lying.

He refuses to get a boring desk job where he could earn a steady income (and probably more than he currently earns).

I know they play up for me because of him and also (probably) because of the conflict they were subjected to when we were together.

wannabe the main stroppy teens are 14 and 16. My 18 yo and 12 yo also cause issues with laziness etc but aren't as unpleasant as the other 2.

for me the priorities here would be:

1. put an end to being verbally abused by your ex and make it 100percent clear to dcs you're not going to be spoken to like that by anyone
2. get some clarity on financial and housing situation
3. work out how best to get through the next few years with teens for you until they are pretty much independent.

I'm not sure that the solution here is depending on your ex, given that he's not exactly stepped up with the childcare so far. Is it his saying he's going to cut back on the money now which has (understandably) tipped you over the edge? It's a very difficult situation for you

{wine} I didn't realise your x was that abusive. To still be calling you a cunt in your own home, four years after leaving you

If you can go down the route of 50:50 resulting in no maintenance can I suggest that you throw in a clarification that the things needed by DCs 1,3 and 5 will be funded by him and the things needed by DCs 2,4&6 be funded by you. Otherwise, he'll stop paying maintenance and you'll have to move house but you'll be paying for all of the school trips, hoodies, pocket money, swimming classes, mobile phones etc....

good point Storm

It was triggered this week by my return from holiday (feeling really rested) but thrown straight back into stress by work and the kids. I was also greeted by an email from exh refusing to sign the trust deed for the house (which is part of the court order) until I paid him some money (against the terms of the court order). He then on tuesday arbitrarily reduced his payment by 1/4. the kids were vile, i was vile back and I just thought life's too short for all of this shit.

If I sell up, force 50/50 care, it will be better for everyone. (apart from exH, but that would serve him right).

The thing is waving your ex is being difficult and moving the goalposts, and he'll do the same wrt 50/50 care imo. It's him not 'playing by the rules' that's causing you extra stress and that may not change.
You've got to fix things up as what's best for you and dcs, and that may be enforcing the court order and staying put rather than moving to a smaller place. Maybe start by getting him to do the contact you've already agreed and getting all dcs to go? That way at least you get a break. If they can't all go now, why do you think they'd all go if 50/50 care?

Angel makes good points

i actually don't think it's best for me or the children to be with me all of the time. I'm actually drowning. I'm horrible to them. They love him.

In any case he says he won't pay the court ordered amount any more. But he knows I can't afford to take him to court to enforce it. I may as well just cave and sell up quickly. it'll save me money and stress (he seemingly isn't affected by this). Last time he just did things by not turning up in court at the last minute. I'd have to pay for the barristers and adjournment etc. I did get a costs order against him, but enforcing it?! (and it was for £3000 - the costs were much higher than that).

The bottom line is that I just can't do this alone any longer.

What is best for the dc is what they are used to or a slow transition to a different arrangement.

IME though from what my dc have said 'I don't have a home, I get passed around all the time'.

I think 50/50 can have benefits though in terms of women being actually able to work and earn mainly.

Waving he sounds awful. If he's going to reduce maintenance arbitrarily, I can see why you want an affordable home for yourself.

Is there any way you can cope with the mortgage without any maintenace for a few months, when you start the 50/50 care?

You may find that he doesn't actually want 50/50 care once it impacts his life. In which case you've lost your home and end up doing majority care in a smaller place.

If you're going 50/50, you need to sort out how childcare, uniform and childrens stuff will be paid for. He should pay for half the childcare bill and DC clothes - otherwise you'll end up even worse off.

On the plus side you can tell your teenage DC that dad has lots of money now and they can ask him for clothes and cash, since you're no longer 'taking all his money'

offred, I think this is why many men are keen on 50:50. Because they get out of paying maintenance but women end up working often in poorer quality/paying jobs and still end up with the bulk of the childcare (and nearly all of the planning and arrangements). It is not a win win for the family overall.

Waving - a lot of your stress will be due to your abusive ex. It can be very difficult but boundaries can be useful. Everything in writing, minimise direct handovers/contact

Offred I can't cope with what they're used to though and in any case won't be able to afford it - even this month it'll be really hard.

He wants to reduce payments but keep seeing 2 children eow. He wants his cake and eating it. I simply can't carry on like this. If he's going to reduce payments he can jolly well have the children a commensurate period of time. bastard I fucking hate him.

And now he's doing what he always does - ignoring my emails while simply doing what he wants.

Hi,

Not at all same chaos as you are dealing with (you sound like superwoman) but my exH and I separated days after our boy turned three and he and I have a 3/4 pattern where he is with me Saturday they Wednesday with daddy collecting him from daycare Wednesday night they Saturday . He is totally well adjusted and quite happy, I think he was too young to have full comprehension of the changes at the time and now just accepts this as normal.

I would feel full a week apart would be too long, particularly for the younger ones.

he tells the children he can't see them more because I take all of his money, he calls me a bitch, a cunt, etc in front of them

Hi waving, I think the first thing you should do is drastically conpletely reduce your contact with him. Can handovers be brief or done by someone else? All communication in writing if possible?

When your little ones go to see your ex, can you leave your 18 year old in charge of the others for a bit so you get a break?

I am sorry your ex is so awful. It looks like my h and I will be splitting up, and the thing that is scaring me the most is future childcare arrangements (mine are 11, 13 and 15). So much easier to stay put in the awful atmosphere that I am living in, than face the music .

Seeing as your ex has reduced your maintenance, I would be telling your older dc to ask him to pay for some of the stuff they need.

Could you do 50/50 for older chosen but keep EOW for the younger two. That would reduce your stresses quite a lot. Too be honest, I'd be inclined to tell the older/horrible teens they can live with him full time and you have them EOW. Is it possible for you to take time off/be signed off with stress so you can make this happen?

That should say children not chosen

Waving you are superwoman. You can't change his fiuckwittery, you can only assume it's going to continue. So I would not be holding my breath that he is suddenly going to morph into an actual parent and do 50/50

I think new boundaries are called for, with everyone. Kids, ex, everyone.

If it were me I would be considering how to do this alone. I would be thinking radical overhaul.

I would start thinking along the lines of moving wayyyy out of your area, buy a cheaper house, in which case they might decide their dad's place is acfually 'nearer after all' and if they still don't want to go to your ex EOW then they can bloody well get stuck in with all chores on those weekends.

One benefit is it would stop your ex labouring under the misapprehension you are living in 'his' house. The financial pressure would be less. Which would protect you from him messing about with payments. And then you would not be 'relying' on him being reasonable which ain't gonna happen. I think the idea of him doing actual 50/50 is pie in the sky and opens up opportunities for him to abuse you further.

ivegotdreadful makes a good suggestion. The sticking point however with ex is...

Will it actually happen?

Good idea re being signed off with stress though

I've reduced contact with him to the extent that he doesn't come in the house on collection - he waits outside and the kids go out to him, and I only have email/text conversations about the children.

However he has upped his abuse as a result of this and he is so controlling that he will do things like not respond to messages at all, so none of us know what's happening, he'll turn up late, or early. And now he's upped it further by simply cutting payment. He is a bastard of the highest order.

And actually I'd like not to rely on him at all. Just to cut him out of my life. Because while I need money from him, he has some control over me. So I'm leaning towards selling up, splitting childcare totally and just renting somewhere (which will be WAY out of my area) that I can afford without him. The kids will all have to move schools, but I've done my best and it's just not working.

He's not responded to the messages telling him to pay up

He's not responded to the messages saying that it's shared care.

And in the meantime I've less money and 6 children and a full time job. The children all think it's down to me that we'll have to move. I actually want to kill him.