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Original poster

calling the police

70 replies

user1488373300 · 01/03/2017 13:44

Hello I am new here and used to be a frequent visitor when my wife and I were expecting for first child who is now 5. Sorry for the long post.

We have been happily married for 13 years. We have the occasional arguments about which repeat periodically every 4-5 months we scream at each other it never gets violent lasts about 5-10mins and we T out from each other. In a few hours or a day it call goes back to normal.
On this occasion the argument escalated out of the usual control words were said and to cut the long story short my wife threatened to kill our child and herself.

In hindsight I can see it was an empty threat to get a reaction out of me. She has never uttered such words before. Now in the emotional state I was in I immediately tried to calm her down but my doing so started making her angrier she ran with the child out the front door toward the road. There were no cars coming in either direction and I thought well how long will it be before one comes along. I felt I was losing control of the situation and called the police. When the police arrived she was trying to get into her car and drive away and i was preventing her by holding onto the keys in the ignition. She got arrested and now is hysterical and very bitter with me for calling the police. I am questioning myself if it was the right thing to do calling the police. I believe it was.

What are the thoughts of the forum members?

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/03/2017 14:29

This is what you should be looking for:

Did she take responsibility over what happened? Was she apologetic and realised what a fool she was? Has she realised that she was totally out of order and seeking help for her behaviour?

OR

Is she blaming you for calling the police? Blaming you for her behaviour? Seeking excuses?

There's your answer.

What do you think you could possibly have done to lead to such behaviour? Did you threaten her? Did you threaten the child? If not, then it's not you, it's her.

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. But you can protect your child.

Heirhelp · 01/03/2017 14:29

The police will pass this information into social services and if your child is school aged then to designated child protection officer.

This is a very serious situation.

Original poster
user1488373300 · 01/03/2017 14:39

I am already in contact with the Local safeguarding team. By no means am I going to sweep this under the carpet. The safeguarding team have confirmed no further action now unless it happens again and sign posting.

OP posts:
Holly3434 · 01/03/2017 14:42

User that's simply a lie, of course they will want to visit child, and the home environment this was a threat to murder the child they wouldn't minimise this by saying carry on with your unstable life. Your clearly more concerned about her than your child.

Original poster
user1488373300 · 01/03/2017 14:45

@ Holly, Its no lie. I am by no means posting here to lie.

OP posts:
mainlywingingit · 01/03/2017 14:49

I think it would be wise to have couples counselling - humdinger arguments do
Happen but I suspect you know this spiralled unacceptably out of control and you will both need to learn to argue more positively. Was alcohol
Involved, is she coping well with
Motherhood??

Original poster
user1488373300 · 01/03/2017 14:53

No alcohol was involved we thoroughly enjoyed having our child from inception to present She gave up work specifically to bring up our only child and has loved it. No history of mental health.
I will say again I am going to get in touch with the organisation I am to be signposted to.

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 01/03/2017 14:55

I don't know. I have SS involved and they have been pretty slack. They have made various promises to me regarding how to deal with my ex, but I haven't actually seen /heard from my son's social worker for over a fortnight. If I were you, I would make every effort to access other support, be that family /friends/counselling. There are clearly quite serious problems here and I think you would be naive to consider dealing with them by yourselves.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 01/03/2017 14:57

Sorry, bit of an x post there!

Original poster
user1488373300 · 01/03/2017 15:00

I will considering paying for private counselling if I find that no progress is getting made by the organisations recommended to me. But to be honest with you all, I really do not know what to expect. We as a family have never been in such a dilemma before.

OP posts:
Karmaisabitch · 01/03/2017 15:00

The last person I witnessed threatening to kill her child ended up being taken to hospital & put on very high doses of antidepressants.....a "sane" person doesn't threaten a child's life, it's sick & twisted.

However, fair play to you for still having trust in her with your child....my ex wouldn't have seen my child again had he said those words.

mainlywingingit · 01/03/2017 15:01

OP there may be no history of mental health issues but the reality is that there is now. That is not by any means normal
Behaviour of a person not suffering from mental health issues.

I get the feeling form your post you feel slightly responsible? Why is that? Who starts these episodes? and who escalates them do you think?

Tone not meant to be judgy, hard to convey that in text!

Holly3434 · 01/03/2017 15:05

How old is this child? Can your child go live with grandparents for a bit? Everyone in life has arguments,everyone has started them, everyone has said and done something's they wish they didn't but hardly anyone ever threatens a child.

Lweji · 01/03/2017 15:07

I will considering paying for private counselling

Except that you're not responsible. She is. Is she willing to go to counselling?
Has she accepted that she is a risk for the child?

lizzyj4 · 01/03/2017 15:10

To me this is a line that should never be crossed. It's a child protection issue. My exh threatened to kill one of my children during a rant (long history of worsening temper tantrums and ea). Even though the 'child' concerned was an adult at the time, I did have under-16s too - my exh left that day and never came back in the house. If you took your wife's threat seriously enough to call the police, then you're putting your child at risk as long as you don't either remove your child from the house or ask your wife to leave.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 01/03/2017 15:12

Is it OK to ask how this situation came about? Not always easy to explain strong emotions but what was the build up?

Original poster
user1488373300 · 01/03/2017 15:12

My wife always starts the arguments. I do feel a little responsible in this case because i feel I was not able to contain the argument and t that i have done nothing to look into the fact as to why she feels, like she does. Until now I only used to put it down to spats due to life's everyday strains and stresses.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/03/2017 15:16

I do feel a little responsible in this case because i feel I was not able to contain the argument and t that i have done nothing to look into the fact as to why she feels, like she does.

She is fully responsible for her actions. You don't have to walk on eggshells, or contain arguments. You just need to not fuel it. The rest is on her.

Even if you were the worst husband around, nobody in their right mind would threaten to kill their own child because of it.

Original poster
user1488373300 · 01/03/2017 15:20

The argument is always the same I don't pay her enough attention. And there is no build up it just starts. Like why are you on the laptop, what is so important than talking to me? on a Sunday evening? It is like that. Then I say Nothing we are both relaxing and killing time do we always have to be talking about something? Being on the laptop does not mean I can't hear or speak. It would then escalate with her accusing me of being a sh@t basically and me trying to convenience her I am not a sh@t.
Tempers will start flaring both mine and hers.
Putting it like this it sounds so silly and immature. I guess because it is.

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 01/03/2017 15:22

Your daughter will be damaged from being dragged into this awful argument. Your mummy out of control and screaming about God knows what I'm front of her, physical fighting for keys, and her being put in a car so her mother could drive her away from her home and her daddy and towards... what? Towards death? Towards being alone with an out of control and frankly terrifying adult?

So please don't say your daughter is happy or she's had a great family life, as she's just been through a really traumatic experience and her lovely happy life may not be at all stable or lovely.

I'm glad you want to sort this out, but don't accept an 'it's a one off' type of excuse to smooth it over. This will definitely happen again more frequently, and worse, unless the root cause is identified and worked on.

I'd be very worried your wife is blaming you and failing to take responsibility for her own actions. You may be awful and you may well be part of the cause of this situation (or you may not! No offence intended, said m covering all the possibilities...), but whatever your role, she's a grown up who did this and involved a child in it. So she has to take responsibility for her actions and words, and take action to stop it ever happening again.

She may need mental health intervention and treatment. You may need couples counselling. You and her may need separate counselling. You may need to work on issues I. Your relationship. Or you may need to separate.

But you both need to do something and fast.

Good luck.

Holly3434 · 01/03/2017 15:24

Think there's no point to giving advice here as your going to stay with her allow her to manipulate you into believing its your fault, the child will remain living with her yeah she'll agree to councilling but this will take time to sort her out if indeed it ever does but as you stand now your child is in danger. Make sure you watch your child 24/7 always have a phone on you ready to call the police again hope and pray they catch up with her in time. Reality of the situation

Original poster
user1488373300 · 01/03/2017 15:24

On this occasion I did tell her to F@@K off. Because I was getting annoyed.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1488373300 · 01/03/2017 15:26

The fight never starts with my daughter around. In my recollection this if the first time the child was a witness to it.

OP posts:
SituationNormalAllFuctup · 01/03/2017 15:27

OP the fact that mention it as being cyclical is worrying. She flares, you row, it settles back down again until the next time. I realise that you want it all to be lovely but if there really is a pattern to it as you describe, you must do something to stop it happening. Counselling would be best so that she can see that she is arbitrarily picking on you and starting the row because of an urge or need within her. When she does 'start' is it random and arbitrary or is it as a result of something you did?

I'm not being accusatory. It sounds like she is working something off on you that she should be dealing with in an altogether better way and if she can't then you must break the cycle even if it brings utter misery for a while.

Holly3434 · 01/03/2017 15:28

The child didn't witness it, the child was used as bait to emotionally control you, or worst if she was going to follow through with words. Imagine someone even at your age now bundling you into a car telling you that your going to die I'd be terrified

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