I have let an utterly insecure arsehole infiltrate my life

[Garfunkeaunders]

Came out of a longterm relationship 6 years ago. Met a guy, X, through mutual friends. He asked me out and we went on about four dates. I was not ready for anything new at all, so was taking things very slowly. He eventually called me to "dump" me and told me it was obvious that I didn't fancy him because I'd refused his advances (not true, I just didn't want to be intimate with anyone at all.) I said fair enough, he obviously wanted things to go a lot faster than I did. Around that time I also started dating my DH, he let me take things slowly and a couple of years later we were married.

No contact with X until last year, I saw him at a few events of our same mutual friends, we reconnected as friends.. He met DH and the DC too and all seemed to be fine. He eventually asked me if I would introduce him to any of my single friends. My best friend had asked me only the day before, if I knew any single bachelors she could meet, so it seemed appropriate.

I arranged to meet them both for a drink with a plan to leave them together if they got on well. We all met, and things were going well until my best friend (who I had told about X and my's previous dates 5 years ago,) suddenly said, lightheartedly, thanks for introducing us, it's s funny that you guys have been on a date and now you are introducing him to me!

Well, he went from happy smiling to a face like thunder and he stopped speaking to me. It became awkward very quickly. Eventually my best friend asked him what was wrong and he said "your friend, who cannot keep her mouth shut." I sad Excuse me? He said "you just couldn't resist telling her about our dates, could you? Well I'll have her know that I dumped YOU." I said listen, she only knows because she has been my best friend for years and knew about my life back then. He said "Oh you were interviewing lots of men at the time, does she know about all of them? I saw Paul (a mutual friend of X and I) the other day. He said you were "Interviewing" him too, and leading him on." I was completely baffled and taken aback. I had never dated Paul or even indicated I was interested. He then launched a tirade at me in front of my best friend that I was a gossip and couldn't resist telling people all the juicy details about everything and one day it will come back to haunt me - like now. That in fact, he was doing everybody a favour and telling me once and for all to stop gossiping. Then various other little misogynistic comments like "I'm sure your DH would like to know how many men you were leading on at the time that you started dating him..."

It was all a bit nasty and filled with insecurity on his part. I excused myself and went to the ladies loos and cried. When I came back he was very apologetic, but I ended up leaving early and leaving them to it.

Anyway, next day had a text conversation with best friend who was in shock that he took her comment so badly but had agreed to a second date because she and he got on (!????).I apologised for introducing them and said it probably wasn't a good idea they saw each other again, but up to her. She said "he told me you'd say that." !!!

Second date was today - I was aiming to stay as far out of it as possible, but he called me from a number I didn't recognise. "What do you know about today?" he asked." I said "nothing. I just knew that you were meeting again. I hope it went well and you both had a nice time."

Then he says "you keep tabs on me 24/7 don't you?" I said "no. It's normal that my best friend would tell me she was going on a date with you." He said "no, you have an abnormal interest from you in my love life. More opportunities for you to gossip I expect?" I said "absolutely not. You are defensive and insecure." and put the phone down.

Best friend is now not replying to my messages. What is going on?

Obviously I get that he is monstrously insecure and it was a real mistake to reconnect with him and/or introduce him to my best friend, but what am I supposed to do now?

DH is mad at him for making me upset and wants to "have a word" but I am playing it down, because I feel that what he said about telling my DH about me leading others on when DH and I first started dating might rock the boat.

He is highly dangerous.

Bunkai was spot on. Tell your dh everything he said and how he's trying to get revenge on you for running a mile from his advances.. Look he might have ended it, but the fact that he did that because you wouldn't sleep with him says it all and your DH knows you took it slow with him so this guy can't damage your life now. He is a jealous bitter nutter.

Very sad about your best friend letting him come between you. If she starts dating him, the friendship must be cooled right down as he is too dangerous to be around. You can't stop her making the mistake.

Never ever introduce exes to friends. There's a reason you didn't want to jump into bed with him and it went nowhere.

The rocking the boat thing is odd. Your DH knows you so why worry that an opinion of a stranger would do that? If he calls again and your DH is there, hand the phone straight to him to have a word. If he's not, hang up. Do not engage with this man. He'll start showing his weird side to her soon enough.

He sounds incredibly dangerous. Yikes! No wonder you didn't want to get involved.

Loon. Try and keep your distance and if you have to see him make sure your DH is with you, I wouldn't trust this guy at all

He's clearly a nutbag. But if your friend likes him and sides with him over you, she's a shitty friend anyway, so fuck her too.

Your friend is a bitch. He had you crying in the toilets and she went on a date with him, took his word over yours and then ghosted you.

You are well rid!

Just to add to everyone else - block him on all fronts - phone, social media, anything. If he phones you again from an unknown number then hang up. If he tries to talk to you face to face then walk away.

And am afraid am also with those who are questioning your friend here. How could she go on a second date with someone who behaved like that??

You certainly need to be very firm that your DH should not "have a word" with this man. I agree that you should tell your husbad what has been going on, but if your DH speaks to him or does anything about it, it will simply feed into his obsessions and could be very damaging. If he makes contact with you again, before he can say anything simply say "Sorry, I am not going to speak to you" and switch the phone off or, if you meet him in person, walk away.

Gosh, he sounds Your best friend is clearly not properly wired to go on a second date with a man like that. If I saw any man behaving like this to my best friend then I would have got up and accompanied her outside and left the "date".

He clearly has issues and I'd be interest if he treats other women like this or has form for blackmail "does your DH know" and abuse "you're a gossip". ?

I would completely disengage, block and delete him on any social media and phone/email. Before you do that just write to him: In the light of your your recent behaviour and unfounded allegations I am formally asking you to make no further contact with me or my family."

He sounds incredibly bitter and there's a whiff of psycho about him that I don't like. Leave your friend be, she is an adult woman but Id distance myself a bit until she comes to her senses.

Always remember, people come into our lives for a reason: maybe this is your time to learn a lesson. You'll find out in time but I'd focus on myself if I were you and if your friend comes back, do not ask about him and keep it light. You would need to make sure you can trust her not to feed stuff back into him.

Sorry lots of typos I was in a rush. What 0dfod said sums it up I think. He sounds deranged and potentially dangerous.

What a piece of work he is: in one fell swoop he's managed to remove one of your support sources (friend) and tried to remove another (DH) and others (wider circle).

There's not a lot you can do about friend - and I agree with others that if she's this easily led by him she's no friend if yours - you you can and MUST fight on the DH and friends-circle fronts.

Focus on DH. Unless there's significant adverse back story you haven't told us, I can't see why DH would be swayed by Psycho°'s bletherings. If you want to, show him this thread. Make it clear to him that he is not to engage with Psycho, certainly not in a physical way.

As for wider friends, a few phone calls or PMs to the closer among your circle might be suitable. Simple message: Guy went crazy, lashed out at you in public, twisting all sorts of things and has since tried to contact you xx times, from different numbers/FB IDs. Be factual and keep drama to a minimum in this message. Emphasise that you're not asking them to get in the middle of this - indeed, that's exactly why you're writing, to warn them it might happen and request they simply say "I'm not getting in the middle of this" if he asks them to either contact you or give him information about you. And ditto if ex-BF tries as well - they need to know she is, for now at least, not in your confidence.

Don't fall for his interpretation of "gossip". Don't let him define you.

Best of luck.

Another point, which I wanted to make separately. He's really got my rage up over his "gossip" comments. He's taken perfectly normal social interaction and turned it into something nasty. It is to perfectly healthy social constructs what "slut-shaming" is to perfectly healthy sexual freedoms. There's also nothing wring with you dating several people before you're married. And "interviewing" - well, all dates and getting-to-know involves that!

He's even trying to twist you not sleeping with him into something nasty.

From what I've read from you, I think you get that this just isn't right - you do, don't you? - so I'm not trying to rant at you, really! But this can't be overstressed: there is nothing wrong with having a social structure.

I actually quite stink at social stuff. People make me very uncomfortable at the moment, but even at the best if times I've never really been a "girlie" about that sort of thing. I often envy people who find this easy to do, but my main point is that you have to believe, I'm not writing this from a "loves to gossip" perspective. Rather, from a political standpoint, i suppose. It is your god-given right to have social support if you want it and don't let anybody turn it into something dirty or nasty.

It sounds like he liked you and you really bruised his ego by not being that interested - all those years ago. The fact that he's still holding it against you, when you've just introduced him to your friend, shows that he is indeed very insecure and rather unhinged. I agree - don't engage. If he calls you again say calmly that you don't want to hear from him again and to please not call, text, email or anything else. If he continues to call you then, by all means, contact the police. He IS harassing you, but if he walks away at this point I'd let it go.

As for your friend - boy oh boy has she got bad judgement! I'd leave them to it and hope she sees the light. But bloody hell - I can't believe she'd carry on seeing him after his bitter and unpleasant tirade at you.

He's a complete prick and she's not a friend. Simple. Block the pair of them and move on.

The guy is seriously unhinged

You're going to have to brace yourself a bit, because this kind of character is living in a fantasy world of hate and rage in their head: they're not thinking logically or with any end goal, just to manipulate and punish.

I think tell trusted people (not everyone, maybe someone within your friendship group who is fairly . And of course DH, just in a "will you do me a favour and watch this situation for me, I'm a bit nervous?" way, not in an "I expect you to 100% give this your attention and do something about it" way)

Also, grey rock, block and ignore, detach as much as humanly possible, you have a holiday or a busy work period coming up don't you?

Don't worry about "winning" or "getting your side of the story" across. Shut down social media channels if you have any. Take additional hours at work, catch up with old Great Aunt Mabel who lives far away....(but do NOT let anyone know what you're doing in detail, you're just "boring busy", not "trying to make a point busy". This guy has been sitting fantasising about you for years, and probably tracking as much information about you as he can, like oxygen to feed his obsession. Don't give him any more)

DO NOT engage with your best friend, he is using her as a tool to get to you. You can sort out your emotions with her later, she's an adult woman and will look after herself.

You need to protect yourself big time here, when you had what you thought was an "amiable break up with no harm done" with this guy, his looney mind made you into a hate figure representing every women who has ever rejected him.

PS When he said "you keep tabs on me 24/7, don't you?" he was telling the truth: I reckon he was talking about himself there, sitting there thinking about you and plotting how to get one over you to punish you for not having sex with him.

You dont need to engage with him at all.

If you answer the phone and its him, just say "oh, its you" and hang up on him. By answering his questions/accusations youre engaging and thats exactly what he wants.

She is no type of friend and he is clearly not right at all. I feel for you, trying to do a nice thing and having it all backfire! Don't engage any more with him, at all, and I would be going nc with your 'friend' too.

Make sure you don't discuss anything with so-called friend, she will only repeat to him if she gets sucked in by him. Hopefully she will realise what a nutter he is but until then stay away from the pair of them.

That's very bizarre behaviour from someone who is supposed to be a friend, never mind a best friend. She seems to have dropped you immediately for this guy, even though she witnessed his outburst. Who does that?

What a freak!! I have nothing really to add to the excellent advice above regarding the situation. The guy is clearly unhinged and your friend's conduct has been deeply questionable. If a potential new boyfriend spoke to a friend of mine like that, he would be wearing his drink, not scoring a second date!

However, I do wonder about the advice about blocking and deleting possible contacts from him. The reason I say this is that, if you don't know how much he is trying to contact you or what he is saying, how can you log it for purposes of reporting him for harassment? You cant really go to the police and say "he was utterly vile once in person and once on the phone but after that, I have no idea if he contacted me". It wouldn't give them much to go on. Maybe your dh could monitor it? At least it wouldn't upset you as much? Or would that just make dh cross and more likely to "have a word"?! Gah! It's a difficult one and I am probably totally wrong about blocking but it has always made me wonder.

I think it would be really difficult for her not to respond if he goaded her repeatedly, and quite upsetting. I know what you're saying but optimistically I'd hope he'd get bored if he doesn't get any response.

What the FUCK is your friend thinking? The klaxons were blaring and red flags waving as soon as he kicked off at you during that first "date"