Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have let an utterly insecure arsehole infiltrate my life

85 replies

Garfunkeaunders · 28/02/2017 21:46

Came out of a longterm relationship 6 years ago. Met a guy, X, through mutual friends. He asked me out and we went on about four dates. I was not ready for anything new at all, so was taking things very slowly. He eventually called me to "dump" me and told me it was obvious that I didn't fancy him because I'd refused his advances (not true, I just didn't want to be intimate with anyone at all.) I said fair enough, he obviously wanted things to go a lot faster than I did. Around that time I also started dating my DH, he let me take things slowly and a couple of years later we were married.

No contact with X until last year, I saw him at a few events of our same mutual friends, we reconnected as friends.. He met DH and the DC too and all seemed to be fine. He eventually asked me if I would introduce him to any of my single friends. My best friend had asked me only the day before, if I knew any single bachelors she could meet, so it seemed appropriate.

I arranged to meet them both for a drink with a plan to leave them together if they got on well. We all met, and things were going well until my best friend (who I had told about X and my's previous dates 5 years ago,) suddenly said, lightheartedly, thanks for introducing us, it's s funny that you guys have been on a date and now you are introducing him to me!

Well, he went from happy smiling to a face like thunder and he stopped speaking to me. It became awkward very quickly. Eventually my best friend asked him what was wrong and he said "your friend, who cannot keep her mouth shut." I sad Excuse me? He said "you just couldn't resist telling her about our dates, could you? Well I'll have her know that I dumped YOU." I said listen, she only knows because she has been my best friend for years and knew about my life back then. He said "Oh you were interviewing lots of men at the time, does she know about all of them? I saw Paul (a mutual friend of X and I) the other day. He said you were "Interviewing" him too, and leading him on." I was completely baffled and taken aback. I had never dated Paul or even indicated I was interested. He then launched a tirade at me in front of my best friend that I was a gossip and couldn't resist telling people all the juicy details about everything and one day it will come back to haunt me - like now. That in fact, he was doing everybody a favour and telling me once and for all to stop gossiping. Then various other little misogynistic comments like "I'm sure your DH would like to know how many men you were leading on at the time that you started dating him..."

It was all a bit nasty and filled with insecurity on his part. I excused myself and went to the ladies loos and cried. When I came back he was very apologetic, but I ended up leaving early and leaving them to it.

Anyway, next day had a text conversation with best friend who was in shock that he took her comment so badly but had agreed to a second date because she and he got on (!????).I apologised for introducing them and said it probably wasn't a good idea they saw each other again, but up to her. She said "he told me you'd say that." !!!

Second date was today - I was aiming to stay as far out of it as possible, but he called me from a number I didn't recognise. "What do you know about today?" he asked." I said "nothing. I just knew that you were meeting again. I hope it went well and you both had a nice time."

Then he says "you keep tabs on me 24/7 don't you?" I said "no. It's normal that my best friend would tell me she was going on a date with you." He said "no, you have an abnormal interest from you in my love life. More opportunities for you to gossip I expect?" I said "absolutely not. You are defensive and insecure." and put the phone down.

Best friend is now not replying to my messages. What is going on?

Obviously I get that he is monstrously insecure and it was a real mistake to reconnect with him and/or introduce him to my best friend, but what am I supposed to do now?

DH is mad at him for making me upset and wants to "have a word" but I am playing it down, because I feel that what he said about telling my DH about me leading others on when DH and I first started dating might rock the boat.

OP posts:
Spring2016 · 01/03/2017 02:15

He resents you, you choose someone else over him, his ego was bruised. He sounds like a nasty person and a loose cannon, I would block contact with him if it keeps up. I am sure your dh won't mind being the "winner" of all the "interviews" you conducted 😁.

CrikeyPeg · 01/03/2017 02:22

He sounds like a right wacko. Block/delete/whatever it takes, and tell DH what went down all those years ago.

Oddsockspissmeoff · 01/03/2017 05:37

Then he says "you keep tabs on me 24/7 don't you?

He's insane Op. Properly fucking insane. He sounds dangerous. He's trying to silence you by threatening to say bad things about you to your husband. Tell your husband whats happened and ring the police if he rings you again. Your friend sounds utterly shit just sitting there while he abused you.

bloodymaria · 01/03/2017 06:23

Don't engage with him at all, he's going to use any single thing you say to him and twist it to fit in with his weird narrative.

I'd be feeling betrayed by best friend too but who knows what story he's spun to her.

Chloe84 · 01/03/2017 06:27

Please don't engage with him any more, OP. If he calls you, either put the phone down or tell him not to call you.

venusinscorpio · 01/03/2017 06:43

Just to add to the unanimous advice. Don't engage, block him and leave your friend to it for now. He is playing power games with you. Keep screenshots of any texts or emails he sends you. He'll either get bored or he'll try something else. Just be wary and alert and ready to get the police involved if he keeps harassing you. Your friend will eventually see how crazy he is. She's clearly been taken in by him.

Reow · 01/03/2017 06:47

He sounds insane, and your friend must be blind and desperate.

Steer clear, but be available to your friend if she needs you.

If he calls again I'd be hanging up and blocking him from all sides.

TisapityshesaGeordie · 01/03/2017 06:51

Your friend isn't much of a friend, is she? I'd give very short shrift to anyone speaking to an acquaintance of mine like that, let alone a friend.

ddssdd · 01/03/2017 06:52

Morning, op. With regards to setting them up, I would have given them each others' numbers & left them to it.

He sounds unstable; fixated with you, even. And it also sounds like he's filling her head with untruths about you. As PPs have mentioned, do tell your DH about this guy, as I can't see him disappearing anytime soon. And your friend is the perfect gateway for him to get to you. Just my opinion.

venusinscorpio · 01/03/2017 06:56

To be fair to OP she obviously didn't know he was this crazy when she made the introduction to her friend. She was just setting up a date for her with an old acquaintance.

Penhacked · 01/03/2017 06:59

I agree it is odd that your friend didn't auto reject

ddssdd · 01/03/2017 07:03

As I think someone also mentioned; he must have been harbouring that resentment all of this time. Yes, it was one thing for him to 'dump' you, but another thing for you to marry someone else & leave him to it. Sounds to me like you were supposed to chase after him & let things progress as his pace Hmm

Okay, so now I may be going off on a tangent but what if the whole purpose of the 'have you any single mates' was a cover for the fact that he needed to find a situation to lay into you? I mean, he couldn't have knocked on your door & let loose, could he? Again, just my (slightly over-invested) opinion.

hesterton · 01/03/2017 07:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton · 01/03/2017 07:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K · 01/03/2017 07:08

I suggest that you be truthful with your DH about everything this idiot said, because if he finds out any other way it will look like you're withholding that information for a reason.

You weren't leading men on. He wasn't ready to go at your pace, when your DH was.

If your friend isn't returning your messages, just leave her be. Block the number he called you from and if he manages to text or call you again, then make it clear that you do not want any contact from him and if he contacts you again, you'll consider it harassment and take necessary action.

He sounds like a first class headcase.

venusinscorpio · 01/03/2017 07:11

but what if the whole purpose of the 'have you any single mates' was a cover for the fact that he needed to find a situation to lay into you?

That seems quite likely. It's quite a risky strategy for romance otherwise.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 01/03/2017 07:12

Keep texts, emails and diarise any attempts at contact. He sounds unhinged and potentially dangerous. And as for your friend - she's either blinded by desperation or appallingly disloyal. I wouldn't continue to see someone who spoke to a friend of mine like that.

hyacinthwannabe · 01/03/2017 07:25

OMG! He sounds very manipulative and totally full of his own self importance. I'd be saying if your friend takes his side aver yours after knowing u so long and him only five minutes, she's no friend.

DameDeDoubtance · 01/03/2017 07:26

Keep an account of any more contact. As or your friend, if it takes a man ten minutes to turn her against you then she aint no friend.

HashiAsLarry · 01/03/2017 07:33

Wow, he has some serious problems. Some very good advice on here. Definitely tell your DH what he's claimed, it would rock the boat a lot less than firefighting his crazy at a later date. Definitely screenshot and log his contact too in case he carries on.

I'd be worried for your friend too, but there's little you can do that won't play into his hands. If she contacts you then don't go much further than something like you know where I am if you need me.

PossumInAPearTree · 01/03/2017 07:38

Sounds like you might lose your friend for a bit. If she takes his side don't get dragged into any drama. Just refuse to engage with her on the subject. If she ignores you just tell her you'll be there for her down the line if she comes to her senses and leave her to it.

PossumInAPearTree · 01/03/2017 07:39

But if you keep in touch with her and she's still seeing him beware that he may well pump her for all sorts of info about you. So I'd be very careful what you talk to her about your own life/relationship.

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing · 01/03/2017 07:54

^^ this exactly what possum said and someone else who mentioned flying monkeys- I actually think he'll be exceptionally lovely to your friend to start to push the 'shes a cow and I was so hurt' so story.....

jeaux90 · 01/03/2017 08:00

Block him.
Tell your friend why.
Tell your husband what happened.

He sounds like a sociopath to me.

Trollspoopglitter · 01/03/2017 08:00

He sounds unhinged but actually it's your best friend who is a huge concern.

Your best friend is a bitch.

Plain an simple.

Would you be sexually attracted to a man who did that to her? After he was so horrific to you, would you really stay and chat more with him because you found that behaviour attractive and acceptable?

And then tell your best friend "he said you'd say that" and go out with him again?!?

Stay the hell away from your "friend" - she doesn't appear to care much about you.