Stock phrases for dealing with narcissists

[Helpmybrainsmelting]

Is there a place where there is a library of phrases for dealing with narcissists? I just thought it could be useful to have all the "armour" in one easy to find place without other talk?

I find that I pick up on good phrases in the stately homes thread but then when I need to revise them I can't find anything (probably because I'm stressing!).

This thread has helped so much. It's helped diffuse any conversations from my narcissistic ex no end. And made me feel in control.

I read a statistic that in America, 1 in 25 people are narcisists, sociopaths or psychopaths.

I try to be low nc with my exh as much as possible but as we have dc it's not possible to be totally nc.

How would you cope with a situation like this, if dc get school report and exh e-mail me as soon as report comes through with his thoughts on how dc are doing, what they are doing well not doing well and what they should be doing.

He can't control me any longer, but still tries to, so tries to control their future what they will study at school etc what they should do for career, uni etc. I'm more laid back and whilst I will support them in whatever they want to do I see them as being able to make their own decisions etc.

He always asks me what my thoughts are on how they are doing at school. Until now I've always responded back, think they are doing fine don't see any problems etc. This always leads to a longer e-mail back from him on his further thoughts.

How should I be handling this situations when they come up? Our views are never going to agree so draining whenever this come up.

Great thread

My narc isn't family but a co-worker. She makes my life a misery. I try really hard to avoid wherever possible, but that seem to inflame her, and I somehow then end up with my boss taking her side against me. He completely indulges her, but if I raise anything, he just does the 'sort it out yourselves' stuff which I don't feel I can as I want to avoid contact.

Rhubarb, it does depend what the report says and if there is a problem to address.

Perhaps a single sentence back:
'yes, DC and I have talked through the report, and he knows what he needs to do next.'

Or if there is a problem:
DC has decided he needs to spend more time on maths.

If you get a long email back, just repeat 'yes, that's why he's going to spend more time on maths'.

Always leave it a few days before responding. Always respond with as little info as possible and no emotional content.

This thread is a gem. My nearly ex is a classic narc and 20 years of marriage to him has damaged me immensely.

I went nc a year ago. I was getting calls ands texts incessantly, several a day from dawn to night, telling me how unhappy he was, how much he loved me, how sorry he was blah blah.

He was the one who left after years of shocking behaviour!

Now we're having to communicate a little for divorce purposes and he's trying so hard to get his foot back in the door. Lots of emails, threatening legal action ( with no grounds, so that would be fun), accusing me of all sorts. So I've blocked him on email too and am realising all over again that he just can't be reasonable.

With my late father, I eventually learned to keep calm. He wanted me to get wound up, he wanted to see that he was pushing my buttons, but staying calm - which was DH's suggestion - worked wonders. I'd stand by the phone saying, 'Oh dear... I can see you feel that way but it's not my fault... No, really, it isn't... Yes, I know it's inconvenient but I can't do anything about it...' While he ranted and raved and fumed at the other end of the phone.

For the first time in my life I had an element of control in my interactions with him. It was VERY gratifying, if exhausting.

Pickle I think narcs are about 5-7% I know "normal" people with sociopathic traits.

Wish we could find them their own island

I also read an article about how they (with these traits) are actively recruited into certain businesses because of their risk taking and lack of consequence but monitored closely. I was astounded!

The more time I spend with DM, the more shocked I am. I had normalised it I think. She told me a couple of tales of how appallingly treated she has been recently, and I feel like ringing the poor people up and apologising for her.
Some kind man drove her at least an hour and a half each way, and then killed two hours somewhere while she did a specific thing she needed to do. She complained bitterly to me that he hadn't cleaned out his car before coming for her, and that he didn't collect them from the right place.

There are other things that are too identifying, but she paints herself as the victim in every situation. She is the only person whose opinion or convenience matters. People who don't buy into her world view have 'betrayed her'.

Right now my DF is terminally ill but it is still 'all about her'.

Oops, sorry for the ramble!

rhubarb
In response to your query. What I'd reply is something like; 'thank you for your thoughts. I'll be talking about options with DC'

'I'll take this into consideration' - you don't have to do anything of the sort. It's just closing the conversation down so there is no further back and forth.

It might feel galling to be polite or to let him believe that you're really taking his thoughts into account, especially if you want to tell him to fuck off. But this technique plays to the Narc's sense of grandiosity and need to feel they have the upper hand, or that they're in control. Of course, they're not really in control, but if they think they are they're 'happy' (as happy as a narc is ever likely to be), they will leave you alone. It also cuts conflict, hopefully, and means that you don't have to engage in any narc nonsense. It's a way of just being very neutral. This protects you psychically and means that you won't allow them to mess with your head, or try any manipulative games. The aim is to minimise contact to the bare essentials so that you can look after you.
Narcs are very predictable in that if their ego feels puffed up, they're more likely to comply or acquiese to what you might want and need. In this case to leave you alone. If he thinks he's being listened to, (they like to think that their views, opinions and feelings are supremely important and more important than anyone elses), he'll more likely leave you alone. One can hope!

Above all, don't bother getting into conflict. They don't care anyway and aren't listening! It's like talking to a brick wall and ultimately it's you (or us) that ends up feeling drained, hurt and angry. Getting into conflict with them also makes you vulnerable to their manipulative techniques and 'word salad'. You end up more confused than when you started. They really do talk a lot of crap.

Hi there...I hv just joined and need advice plz..I don't know what to do...I am with a man who def demonstrates narcissistic traits-he is needy/drains me & am v sure he contacts other women behind my bk-he is now ghosting me after an argument-I wish I had courage to end things but am v lonely/suffer depression and he is better than no one....and this sounds bad but it I want to get him bk so I can ghost/end it with him..thats the truth..(plz dnt judge me)....any ideas as am at a loss...thsnku...JL

Just give them a big hug and walk off