It's a cliché but we're over

[jerryfudd]

Never thought I'd be writing this. Thought we were happily married (20 years together with 3 young kids) and were in it for the longhaul. However since turning 40 he's been distant and he finally admitted last night that he's not happy, considers we've grown apart, can't say he's in love with me (says he doesn't know what he feels but can't say he is), can't say he fancies me (same reason given) and when pushed said he didn't think there was anyway of saving us.

Absolutely heartbroken. Can't believe he left it to point of no return (paraphrasing) as opposed to admitting issues earlier so we could try and do something about it.

He seemed shocked that I've asked him to leave. He seemed to think we could continue living together "and see what happens". Now if he still had feelings for me and there were other issues I could see the point of it however surely there's no way back after what has been said?

He swears there's is no ow (I know they always do) but I have no way of actually knowing although up to now have no reason to believe there is/was.

He wants to talk again tonight. He seems to be back pedalling about the situation and I feel it's merely in an attempt to keep his convenient life (me as house keeper and nanny and easy access to kids around the crazy hours he works.

I feel numb and don't know where I go from here

We've talked. I believe that there's no one else involved (obviously I could be proved wrong but for now I believe him)

Despite what was said whilst arguing last night he maintains he does still love me and wants to make it work. He has convinced me that giving it some more time to see if we can make it through is worth it to try and save nearly 21 years. I might be the biggest mug going but I don't want to look back and think I didn't try. Ive told him I'm not prepared to do the pick me dance thing and I won't change so if he has outgrown me he'd be better off leaving now. He wants to try. We have a lot of other crap being thrown our way at moment too which isn't helping and we hope that once that's resolved we can concentrate on us and see if we can make it.

I know theres a risk I'll be back on here in a month or two saying I was wrong but I'd rather have tried and failed than not tried at all.

Thanks again all for being there for me today

No... please don't do this. You've just handed him back control which is exactly what he wanted you to do. The only way you can navigate this and survive emotionally is to take charge. I've been there. All that is going to happen now is he is going to dangle you on a string while he decides what he wants. It's an awful soul destroying dynamic, and the nicer you are the more he will despise you.

Tell him to move out and do his deciding elsewhere. While he is doing so gather your friends around you and start making a life independent of him. He'll HATE that. It will also make him realise that you are fine without him, and he'll hate that even more. If there is any chance of making things work you need to start from a position of control with your self esteem intact.

Totally understand. Fingers crossed this makes you both stronger than ever

Love. You started your thread so strong and uncompromising - if he's not going to give me his all, I'd rather have nothing from him. He's picked up on this and - in the space of just 24 hours - has gone from unable to assure you that he loves you to the fucking reverse. Can't you see? You didn't burst into tears and do the pick-me dance, so he's changed tack.

Give him another chance at your peril. But if you do, at least, at least, go and see a solicitor and start vaguely getting those ducks in a row. If it works out with your husband, what's the harm? But if it doesn't, you'll be glad you did.

Good luck, jerry.

I think there is some truth in what fetchez says. He probably expected you to cry and beg , to do anything for him, and telling him to go shocked him to the core so he's now basically begging you and changing tack. I think the man is playing mind games, hd didn't want to split up, he wanted to either hurt you or get you to want him more.

I think you are doing the right thing, OP. You have given him one chance, and you can assure yourself that no matter what happens - you did everything you could.

Do not accept anything less than 100% commitment from him.

he maintains he does still love me and wants to make it work. He has convinced me that giving it some more time to see if we can make it through is worth it to try and save nearly 21 years.

If his behavior matches his words then that's good...Make sure that he is giving and not just expecting you to give though.

I appreciate all you are saying and I may well be wrong however I feel I finally got some sense out of him and don't see that I have anything to lose in giving it a bit longer to see if we can make it through.

Hopefully all the other crap we are trying to deal with will be resolved shortly too and we'll both be less stressed. I think I owe it to 21 years to try. If we break up now or say in 2 months having tried I'm still going to be hurt either way so have nothing to lose in doing that a bit later but can know we tried. If we make it through then it will be worth it.

I have made it very clear that I do not intend to change and won't be doing all the work to save us.

In meantime I am sorting finances too to protect me and kids. Money is being transferred to me so I have funds for a solicitor should I need it, debt in my name is going to be paid and I'm starting my pension back up.

I read your opening post and I thought how good it was to see your firmness in asking him to leave.

I actually think that's what made him back pedal, because you presented yourself as strong and not a blubbering mess, begging him.

When you stand firm and assertive, it shows confidence and desirability. He knows you'll be just fine without him, from your reaction on that day and he suddenly realised that if he expected you to be on bended knee, promising to move heaven and earth to save the marriage, that wasn't about to happen.

I'm an advocate of working at a marriage, giving it a good try, before giving up and not being messed around in the process.

I hope you can work things out and that he considers counselling.

Stay strong.

Best of luck jerry I really hope that it works out for you, and in the meantime keep making those good financial plans. We will be here either way.

Just to say he is an utter shit for saying he doesn't love you & it's beyond repair, even more so if he doesn't mean it at all. So why say it? I would really need to get to the bottom of why he would say this to wife of 20 years, and what reaction he was expecting?

I think he's one lucky buggar being allowed to stay after saying those horrible things to you and tbh I'd not want to live with a person that can say that to me and then 24hours later it's back on again; what will change then OP, because you sure as hell are not changing.

I am really sorry but I think his head has been turned, if there is not OW then he is wanting to have the single life.

Do not let him stay too long, I know you want it to work out but I think you are just putting off the inevitable; he jus wants his cosy convenient life to continue.