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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's a cliché but we're over

61 replies

jerryfudd · 28/02/2017 13:07

Never thought I'd be writing this. Thought we were happily married (20 years together with 3 young kids) and were in it for the longhaul. However since turning 40 he's been distant and he finally admitted last night that he's not happy, considers we've grown apart, can't say he's in love with me (says he doesn't know what he feels but can't say he is), can't say he fancies me (same reason given) and when pushed said he didn't think there was anyway of saving us.

Absolutely heartbroken. Can't believe he left it to point of no return (paraphrasing) as opposed to admitting issues earlier so we could try and do something about it.

He seemed shocked that I've asked him to leave. He seemed to think we could continue living together "and see what happens". Now if he still had feelings for me and there were other issues I could see the point of it however surely there's no way back after what has been said?

He swears there's is no ow (I know they always do) but I have no way of actually knowing although up to now have no reason to believe there is/was.

He wants to talk again tonight. He seems to be back pedalling about the situation and I feel it's merely in an attempt to keep his convenient life (me as house keeper and nanny and easy access to kids around the crazy hours he works.

I feel numb and don't know where I go from here

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 28/02/2017 13:59

Jerry--at the 20 year point as well and with the reverse issue as per my previous post , I just want to say hugs! I could so easily be you, Im just not giving him the chance, Im getting in there first.

Original poster
jerryfudd · 28/02/2017 14:00

I've never said I wasn't willing to talk happydad and I will however upto now it has only been me trying to make a go of things this year whilst he has checked out and was unwilling to talk or when he did maintained all was fine with us

OP posts:
Original poster
jerryfudd · 28/02/2017 14:02

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply. Ive confided in one friend but not told anyone else or family anything as yet because I quite honestly don't know where we go from here

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 28/02/2017 14:03

💐. I'm so sorry.

Honestly though, I will eat my iPad if he hasn't had his head turned by another woman.

Definitely make him leave, he does not get to drop that bombshell then 'see how it goes'. NO WAY, just no fucking way.

Personally, I don't think there's any going back. You can 'try' as many of us have, but those words will forever ring in your ears & make you insecure & unhappy. You deserve a lot more than that from life, so do your children.

We are all here for you 💐

Original poster
jerryfudd · 28/02/2017 14:05

He went to work as normal and so far no message to ask how I am SadAngry

OP posts:
JohnnyMarr · 28/02/2017 14:08

I'm with Purrrcat - don't let him stay.

STBXH gave me the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" spiel, I thought we could work things out and following extensive counselling I genuinely thought we were back on track.

He, however, had clearly had one foot out the door the entire time and was just biding his time to see how things panned out with OW.

Regardless of whether or not there's an OW involved you are worth so much more than your H's indifference.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 28/02/2017 14:09

He doesn't sound like someone who wants to fix things.

I'm sorry, OP, I would prepare for him to go...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/02/2017 14:09

Try talking to him, surely someone who you have spent 20 years with and had 3 children is worth another couple of hours to hear out?

Perhaps OP is respecting her H's declaration, HappyDad, and it is difficult to carry on as normal after a bombshell like this. As far as being understanding and trying harder goes, she did say upthread,
this year things changed. I kept pushing to find out what happening but he maintained that whilst he was fed up it was nothing to do with us. He insisted we were fine. I put it down to stress as very stressful job.

Original poster
jerryfudd · 28/02/2017 14:19

Believe me I've tried - in fact I think I've damaged my own self respect a little in doing so and now feel like a mug

OP posts:
BeMorePanda · 28/02/2017 14:21

He went to work as normal and so far no message to ask how I am
Sounds like he has detached himself.

Purrrcat · 28/02/2017 14:24

Jerry.
Please feel free to pm me if you want.

Like you I was completely shocked when my ex made his announcement. As far as I was aware everything was fine.

Also I am a SAHM Mum who forfeited a good career to support him.

I thought he was having a mid life crisis and it would blow over. The one regret I have is not kicking him out the minute he started his crap. I wasn't on Mumsnet then.

You need space and time. Don't rush anything and if nothing else a few nights out of the house might make him realise what he is losing.

Purrrcat · 28/02/2017 14:24

Johnnymarr.

Sorry you went through this too SadFlowers

SparklingRaspberry · 28/02/2017 14:38

I don't have much advice OP but I hope you're okay Flowers

I would say at least talk with him. But I agree with the others, trust your instinct and start getting things together that you may need - finances etc

Original poster
jerryfudd · 28/02/2017 14:43

It's a sorry situation that so many people can relate and Are/have been through similar. Thanks again for sharing.

I have no idea where to start with finances. He assures me nothing will change and he will continue supporting us but as I said to him, all well and good saying that now but once theres a new woman (hmmmmm we'll see) on the scene she isn't going to want us living the life she wants with him

OP posts:
JohnnyMarr · 28/02/2017 15:03

Purrrcat Thanks for the flowers, god knows I need them today - I'm a month in and only found out about the existence of OW at the weekend so feeling pretty horrific.

Jerry I'm loathe to be a doom-monger but, as many others have advised, please do get your ducks in a row. It's perfectly possible that your relationship may be salvageable still, but you will be in a much stronger position going forward, either way, if you're fully informed of all your options.

I'm in a startlingly similar position to you - together 20 years, SAHM, H worked away and has basically become a walking cliche, abandoning DC and I for some pretty young thing at work. It's as though the past 20 years never happened, within the space of a month I am less than nothing to him and he appears to be prepared to utterly shaft us financially. Please do seek legal advice as soon as you possibly can.

TheTapir · 28/02/2017 15:40

Hi Jerryfud. I was in a similar position about this time last year. Together for 20 years and out of the blue he announced that he wasn't happy. He moved out at my request and said that he was stressed at work but thought we could sort things out and wanted us to go back to dating again. He strung me along for months, totally denied that there was anyone else.

In November I got a letter from one of his women. it turned out that he's been cheating on me for years. He'd started up with another woman earlier last year (ow number 3 that I know of) and was waiting, I believe, to see how it went before he burnt his bridges with me.

Within a week I'd filed for divorce - not his decision any more.

It has been so, so hard and he is still being a dick over sorting our finances out whilst I just want to get my fair share and move on.

It is totally heartbreaking to go from happily married to all over in a blink of an eye. I still have days when I can not believe that it all happened and that this is my life now. I truly thought that we would be together forever, whilst he was deceiving me every day.

I would recommend that you start having a look at finances etc. It turns out that there was an awful lot that had been hidden from me. I also wish that I hadn't done the "pick me dance" for so long (before finding out about the cheating). If they want to be with you, then that's where they will be.

It's so sad that it's such a common story. I really hope that there is no one else involved in your situation.

TheTapir · 28/02/2017 15:49

JohnnyMarr it's been four months since I found out about the cheating and although I am sure that you'll find it hard to believe, it does get better, or less awful at least. I was totally devastated when I found out and lay awake every night just thinking, I can't do this, I can't do this, but you can, and you will get through it.

midsomermurderess · 28/02/2017 15:56

That is horrible but is it fair to put him out of his own home without at least pursing options? That would be as traumatic and frightening for him as for any of us.

Original poster
jerryfudd · 28/02/2017 16:11

So what's the alternative? Live as room mates?!

OP posts:
birdybirdywoofwoof · 28/02/2017 16:12

That is horrible but is it fair to put him out of his own home without at least pursing options?

I don't know what you mean. He has said his not happy, they've grown apart, he doesn't love her, he doesn't want her and he can't see a way of saving it.
He hasn't said, help I want to make this work, let's get counselling, let's explore some option.

What do you recommend the OP does? Ignore him?

Original poster
jerryfudd · 28/02/2017 16:23

I suggested counselling in past months to help with his feelings of being fed up. He dismissed it as nonsense.

OP posts:
JohnnyMarr · 28/02/2017 16:25

Oh TheTapir that's horrendous, I'm so sorry.

How can they be such total, contemptible shits? Sad

LostSight · 28/02/2017 16:29

I think it's absolutely fair to ask him to leave. He came to you with his 'it's over and you can't fix it' statement. He's obviously been stringing you along, one way or another. You knew there was something wrong... and so did he, but didn't engage, back then at the appropriate time. Take control of the situation, as was obviously your instinct when you asked him to leave.

What a shitty horrible situation. But stay strong. Self-respect is worth more than any man.

Original poster
jerryfudd · 28/02/2017 16:48

Tapir that's awful for you. If there is an OW I'd rather just know

OP posts:
Purrrcat · 28/02/2017 16:54

Seems that there are many of us that have experienced the same dickish behaviour.
Jerryfudd. I do hope it turns out ok for you and it's not an OW. Either way please put your own and your kids needs first. Let him sort himself out.

JohnnyMarr and theTapir. My heart goes out to you both. I am further on than you guys and am happier now than ever. It really does get better.
I totally understand your pain right now but hang in there.