Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FWB - any advice? Stories?

38 replies

Thattwatoverthere · 26/02/2017 21:17

This is a bit long, sorry!

I have a FWB that I've known for a couple of months now, we met online and had a couple of dates but he decided that he couldn't see a full relationship developing but enjoyed spending time with me, talking to me and we seemed to be good at the sex Grin

I eventually agreed to see him as a fuck buddy. I've had them in the past but the others weren't so honest and I got feelings so this time around I figured that if I could keep the emotions out of it why not give it a shot. Getting to know him better, I don't think we'd work that well as a couple anyway. We're both out of relationships over the last 6 months but without clean breaks so things aren't too simple on that front.

My dilemma (if you can really call it that!) is this. I can't work out if he's being controlling or something else. I've been on dates since I've been seeing him which I've told him about. He wasn't thrilled but knows that I do want to meet someone for a relationship at some point.

He always asks if I've met anyone else yet and I'm honest and say no. When I ask him the same he says yes, I press him on it for info and he then says actually no, he's just winding me up. He's said that he wants me to be jealous because it shows that I care about him. He says I'm his girl and am the only one he sees. I just replied in a 'get over yourself' sort of way.

I do care about him, we have a laugh together, have a lot in common and I think he could be a good friend. I'm just a bit confused with the things he says sometimes. He doesn't back up his words really so I don't pay much attention and just carry on as normal. I know as soon as I meet someone I like I won't see him any more -ditto I guess for him too. But that feels a bit weird. I don't feel like I have feelings for him BTW, just that I'm used to having him in my life now. We don't go out anywhere together but it's not out of the question I think if I said I wanted to.

I've never had a proper FWB situation come to any sort of conclusion, with it ending or otherwise. Has anyone else? How did it end?

OP posts:
orangejuicedrinksup · 26/02/2017 22:36

Controlling and a bit of a knob.

He comes across like someone who gets off on thinking you desperately want to be with him ( and it's his choice whether to see you it not) and sees you as inferior and somewhat subservient in this interaction - you're not equals and certainly not friends in his eyes.

He's asking about other men not because he seriously has feelings for you ( else he would just ask you out) but so that if you DO meet someone with potential he can then throw you some emotional scraps and a few words so you'll give them up for him, then it will be back to the status quo (saving him the work of going on the pull)

( this is why I'm always wary of guys who straight away come up with the "keeping things casual" line. It's like a double standard, they often can't handle it if the woman is only seeing THEM as an option so end up playing weird manipulative mind games to get power over her)

Original poster
Thattwatoverthere · 26/02/2017 22:46

I was leaning to your way of thinking, orange. It's all new to me really so I'm not sure if I read too much into the situation.

Definitely not knowingly giving him the impression that I want more and am happy to carry on as we are for now, just a lot easier to read between the lines with a bit of advice!

OP posts:
OverOn · 26/02/2017 22:47

Hmmmm in a FWB situation he shouldn't be asking you about youth other dates.

Either he wants to be with you (in which case you're actually seeing each other exclusively) or he doesn't (in which case you're free to date whoever you like and not be questioned about it).

I'd stop telling him anything, he doesn't need to know.

Don't get drawn in by his mixed messages. The only reason he's talking about jealousy etc is because he wants you available to him and not distracted by other men. It's not because he wants to date you (or otherwise he'd be happy to be exclusive with you, not a FWB).

ChicRock · 26/02/2017 22:49

You're too emotionally invested already, though trying hard to pretend you're not.

This isn't going to work out for you, but for him it's the perfect fuck buddy set up. You're going to get hurt.

StormZelda · 26/02/2017 22:54

He is standing at the door of your heart. He could come in as the saying goes, but he's just loitering, and preventing anybody else from coming in.

In 2015 I met a great guy and we had 3 or 4 conventionally romantic dates until he dropped the bomb that he only wanted to be friends. He said we had emotional intimacy and it'd be great if we could have physical intimacy too, but not in the context of a relationship obviously. obviously??
I shut that right down at the time but unfortunately after a few months of being his friend and feeling close to him I did end up sleeping with him. I also made the mistake of giving him credit for his honesty. I dated other people, but only ever the once as everybody was consciously or unconsciously compared to him. I would come back from a date and just not feel the closeness I had with him so I wouldn't pursue it even if it had gone well. Eventually I walked away and that was the only time he was every unsupportive to me. I missed him a lot for about three weeks but I still felt clearer and less conflicted. Lighter. I had a relationship soon after that. Short. It didn't work out, but I wouldn't even have given that guy a second date if the 'friend' had still be half way in and half way out.

It will just confuse your sub conscious even if rationally you dialogue it all neatly. My friend used to ask about my dates too because although he claimed he wanted me to find something more meaningful really he just wanted to know that what he had with me wasn't about to screech to a halt.

hollinhurst84 · 26/02/2017 22:59

I would be here posting for a week if I typed my story out but yes, first kiss at 13, and we slept together as FWB for er 13 years

StormZelda · 26/02/2017 23:03

He's using you for a relationship.

Not everything is about sex you see. Sure he's sleeping with you but he gets the familiarity of somebody who knows him. The chat. The support. He knows you get on. But harsh though it is, there is something he wants that you're not. Or something you are that he doesn't want. I realise that now after walking away from my so-called friend. He liked me well enough but if he was going to commit to somebody, they had to knock his socks off and I didn't. But I was better than being alone all the time.

I know he missed me when I walked away.... but he still didn't want me. He missed me the way you'd miss a colleague at work, or a flatmate who moved out.

End it before he does.

StormZelda · 26/02/2017 23:05

holinhurst84, did it prevent you 'seeing' other potential relationships?

merville · 26/02/2017 23:07

fwb is a disaster in my book; usually only works for the guys (and even then, as in this thread, they'll be trying to manipulate the woman into 1 way sexual exclusivity due to jealousy/ego/possessiveness).

Men really don't like their soft harem members having other men.

Original poster
Thattwatoverthere · 26/02/2017 23:08

I really do want to meet someone else at some point that ticks all the boxes, The plan was to wait until summer to really meet someone as I was pg and due in June this year. I'm still in the 'I'd be x months now' stage which I don't really want to bring into a relationship and also want to get fit/save money first.

I do miss the intimacy of a relationship and do get some of that from him. He's under no illusions that I want any more from him from what I say to him, I'm a bit of a bitch to him to be fair! I just hate that he thinks he has control over me. I really want it to continue for now but it's all a bit of a headfuck now, thinking about his way of thinking vs mine.

I know you're all right though and your advice is appreciated

OP posts:
LoupGarou · 26/02/2017 23:08

I agree with others, fwb can work well but not with this man in this situation.

I was fwb with my ex fiance from when I broke up with him until I started seriously dating DH. It worked very well for us, and he's still my best friend and a huge part of my life now. I did date in the period we were fwb (he didn't) and we didn't have any issues with jealousy or control.

LoupGarou · 26/02/2017 23:11

Also Flowers for not being pregnant anymore.

hollinhurst84 · 26/02/2017 23:14

Storm - no. But neither of us were the most faithful Sad

Original poster
Thattwatoverthere · 26/02/2017 23:14

It doesn't help that my friends are convinced that when his stuff with his ex is sorted out and I'm past the stage I'm at that we'll be together. They have a really romantic view over it for some reason and I'm having to explain that no, that's not the intention. I've stopped talking to them about him now for my own sanity.

At least this time forewarned is forarmed and I know where I stand...

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 26/02/2017 23:19

FWB don't need to know about the other's dates. If you want to remain FWB tell this man that you will no longer talk about who else you date.

FWB should be about 2 people enjoying eachother's company and having sex. Not playing mind games in order to create some weird fucked up emotional tie/trauma. If you can't stop talking about other dates, then end it OP.

StormZelda · 26/02/2017 23:22

Flowers sorry about your loss.

I think your friends are wrong If he wanted you to be his girlfriend he'd have left you in no doubt. My friends used to roll their eyes at me if I ever mentioned my friend. They knew it was a train crash.

After I walked away from my 'friend' I felt stronger. The self-efficacy of it increased my self-esteem. I joined yoga. I went to a lecture through meet up. I dated myself for a bit. I read Mr Unavailable and the fall back girl and I read a book about Attachment styles. Anyway, in my case, I was ''triggered'' by his ambivalence to me. I mistook that for chemistry and butterflies. It's very hard for me to feel that giddy feeling with somebody who reciprocates my feelings.

Blushingm · 26/02/2017 23:24

I kind of have a fwb type situ

I really don't want to marry him if be in a 'relationship' with him but I still hate the thought of him being with anyone else - he slept with his ex about 4 months ago and I hate the thought but then I've got no hold over him as we are both 'single'

It's been more than 3 years now I've known him.......I've no real advice but I feel kind of a bit like you and I'll be reading the advice you get with fear interest

orangejuicedrinksup · 26/02/2017 23:24

I'd clean break it yourself with a "grey rock" excuse .( Ie, something incredibly boring and mundane and non-exciting but difficult to argue with - Like something about having found Jesus and given up sex or moving away etc) before things get any worse.

Be prepared for some " but you're my girl and I'm gutted" style texting. (A text takes three seconds to send and is free)

(see if he really wants to be with you he'd actually want to start seeing you outside of sex, ? So you could reply " ok let's date for a month with no intimacy" and see how that goes down...)

Also, the whole "he lets me be a bitch to him" means nothing, he's getting a sweet deal overall from his point of view and ( sorry to be harsh) doesn't seem to hugely care how you feel and what you think about him as long as his supply of sex and comfort is ongoing.

StormZelda · 26/02/2017 23:38

It's true what orangejuicedrinksup says. I ''tested'' my friend in the run up to having the strength to end it. I tried to pin him down to going out to a comedy thing and going out for dinner. People do that stuff with friends don't they? No. He just wanted me there to talk to. I was providing a service. I was the door stopper girl friend, or the place-minder girlfriend. The Americans have a word for it.

I also agree with orangejuice about sending a breezy mundane message. I regret pouring my heart out, crying, telling him that he knew when we met that I'd feelings for him, and what was it about six months of closeness that he thought would make the feelings go away???? and why would he choose me of all people for a 'friend'? a woman who had told him straight up she wanted a relationship not a friendship, and with him. I was straight at the beginning. I made him feel bad. Briefly. Then he changed his status on POF to looking for a relationship. So it had been ME he didn't want a relationship with. I behaved like an idiot and I learnt so much from it/him.

Number one thing I learnt was that it's OK to have your own agenda. Don't fit in around his. What is your agenda? To meet somebody? How can you serve that best? NOT by hanging around an fwb you have feelings for!?! No.

StormZelda · 26/02/2017 23:40

The term is ''place holder girlfriend''.

Google it. Read. Read. Read.

It will help you more than any articles about fwb.

LoupGarou · 27/02/2017 00:16

StormZelda I live in the US and had never heard the term before, where I live things are a bit more rough and ready though, people don't use the term fwb here either. It makes for fascinating reading, I've learnt a lot of new words!

AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 00:20

The FWB generation has passed me by but if I were to find myself in this situation I am 100% sure I would still have to insist that as a bare minimum they were not a twat

It seems a pretty basic requirement to me

StormZelda · 27/02/2017 08:35

Loupgarou, I mean really the term originated there! And even the articles I read were explaining what it was! But it helped me to see it in black and white.
I think sometimes with FWB women fall in to a trap of justifying and excusing the situation. Eg he may not be my official bf but he is good to me. Eg he may not be my official boyfriend but i don't not speak to or not spend time with people because we're not officially bound to each other! Eg most of my friendships are und3fined and fluid. Eg it's worth it because it's meeting some of my needs. Eg nobody ever knows when an official/defined relationship will end. Eg There are no guarantees with anything anyway.

So, all of that was going tthrough my head. So rational! I was pushing thoughts uphill the whole time trying to drown out a voice that asked "but why not me? Why are you good enough for me but im not good enough for you?".

I bailed befored id stumbled on the articles i found but i was so glad i did. Pretty much immediately i knew id done the right think. I think my case was extreme though.

Ill l8nk to good articles from my lap top

LoupGarou · 27/02/2017 11:23

StormZelda I wasn't doubting you, just baffled again at how things manage (yet again) to pass me by. We live in Alaska though, things can be pretty different here to the rest of the US.