FWB - any advice? Stories?

[Thattwatoverthere]

This is a bit long, sorry!

I have a FWB that I've known for a couple of months now, we met online and had a couple of dates but he decided that he couldn't see a full relationship developing but enjoyed spending time with me, talking to me and we seemed to be good at the sex

I eventually agreed to see him as a fuck buddy. I've had them in the past but the others weren't so honest and I got feelings so this time around I figured that if I could keep the emotions out of it why not give it a shot. Getting to know him better, I don't think we'd work that well as a couple anyway. We're both out of relationships over the last 6 months but without clean breaks so things aren't too simple on that front.

My dilemma (if you can really call it that!) is this. I can't work out if he's being controlling or something else. I've been on dates since I've been seeing him which I've told him about. He wasn't thrilled but knows that I do want to meet someone for a relationship at some point.

He always asks if I've met anyone else yet and I'm honest and say no. When I ask him the same he says yes, I press him on it for info and he then says actually no, he's just winding me up. He's said that he wants me to be jealous because it shows that I care about him. He says I'm his girl and am the only one he sees. I just replied in a 'get over yourself' sort of way.

I do care about him, we have a laugh together, have a lot in common and I think he could be a good friend. I'm just a bit confused with the things he says sometimes. He doesn't back up his words really so I don't pay much attention and just carry on as normal. I know as soon as I meet someone I like I won't see him any more -ditto I guess for him too. But that feels a bit weird. I don't feel like I have feelings for him BTW, just that I'm used to having him in my life now. We don't go out anywhere together but it's not out of the question I think if I said I wanted to.

I've never had a proper FWB situation come to any sort of conclusion, with it ending or otherwise. Has anyone else? How did it end?

[Ohyesiam]

He sounds like he doesn't know himself very well and is insecure.

[StormZelda]

Yeh orange I'm all about protecting our OWN feelings!

I would not rule out shagging some fit young man who I could just never really see as a long term thing. Who knows!? But a man that I viewed to start with as a potential boyfriend, if he considered me not good enough, I would now force myself to get turned off

For years and years I chased after half available men. I'm only cured relatively recently. In my forties! omg.
My children's Dad was different. He kept me prisoner! But even that relationship came after a series of mr unavailables who'd left me exhausted.

[BeyonceRiRiMadonnna]

He's your FWB, why are you analysing/overthinking anything that's got to do with him? You're over invested already and you ARE emotionally tied to him why else would you start a thread about a nobody that you occasionally shag?

I'd walk away as this can only end in tears, yours!

[SeaEagleFeather]

It's worked for me twice.

One became more, it's long over now but we're still in touch now and then (30 years ago, omg) on good terms.

One was lovely while it lasted, we went out for a meal, then DTD then went our ways, met up again in a week or couple of weeks.

I was absolutely clear that it was never going to be more and he was too. When you're on the same wavelength, it can be a really good thing.

This guy isn't it.

He's said that he wants me to be jealous because it shows that I care about him. He says I'm his girl and am the only one he sees.

Nope, nope nope. For FWB to work, you need good and honest communication. This isn't it. he's trying to manipulate you. He's not good friend, lover or partner material while he's doing that.

[orangejuicedrinksup]

Oh absolutely storm - I think it's just that sometimes ( not on MN obviously because we're all intelligent and fabulous ) there is an attitude of "you're a woman who was open to casual sex so what do you expect but to be dehumanised and morally "punished" for this decision ?" Including from the men themselves.

[StormZelda]

I don't think anybody used any slut shaming vocab orangejuice, which I'm glad of.

Imo, even announcing up front that you don't want a relationship is not that honest, because it is seen as a licence to ''free up'' the announcer to act in a relationshippy way. It's incongruous. It's inauthentic.

If women want FWB they should be the ones picking him. Somebody they'd just never want. I think though what often happens is the men announce it, Miranda rights style, to women who consider them boyfriend material.

If I was going to bother with a fwb it'd be one of the 27 year olds who messaged me with some stupid line that makes me roll my eyes but look twice at the picture and think youth is wasted on the the young

[arsenaltilidie]

He's obviously using you just for sex.
He's playing mind games to keep you in your place. He knows if you start seeing someone else he will lose the sex benefit.

Unfortunately you are falling for his mind games.

[Thattwatoverthere]

Thanks for all of the input, really interesting reading about experiences and the link on 'fuck yes' was a good read.

It's such a weird situation. In the past where I've been used for sex but with the others pretending that there could be more it definitely messed my head up a lot with unanswered questions and feeling hurt and rejected. I honestly don't feel like this this time around, just the crap he spouts confuses me. Mostly why is he so bothered what I think when all it is is sex and chatting. It's a lot clearer now so thank you

I'll probably phase him out fairly soon. If feelings do start to creep in I'll have to end immediately. I think he'd be a shit boyfriend though which helps matters...

[user1488198315]

I don't have any personal experience of FWB but I have a friend who has only ever had FWBs, she is over 40 now and has two children with different Dads. She fell in love with them and hoped they would be part of her/the childs life when the baby came along....

One daughter is almost 18 and the other is almost 3.... she is a fantastic mum but has struggled with accepting that the fathers/FWB had no feelings for her. It affected her oldest daughter when she was a teenager as she couldn't understand why her Dad wanted nothing to do with her and the youngest daughters father as no interest either. Both men have paid child maintenance but never committed to the kids... its been a mess and now at over 40 she is sad and lonely.

I think FWB is a bad idea unless both people are very clear on the situation.

[orangejuicedrinksup]

I think we need to be wary of slut shaming language and stereotypes - casual sex can and does work for women and not all women are secretly after a serious relationship all the time!

I agree though guys who start out explicitly suggesting a Fwb situation ( from not being long term friends ) are weird though? There's an American dating blog which I enjoy, and how she has found the issue with a woman being openly up for casual sex is a lot of men then apply the whole Madonna/whore thing and think "she's up for it, so basically she's up for it all the time and like one of those porn women" ( the blogger ticked the "up for casual sex" box on okcupid and lots of men were just like " send her my dirty fantasies as an opening message"

When I had a Fwb (his idea) I found there was very little of the "friends" going on.

We did stuff out but he seemed always to be sulking that it wasn't me inviting him home to have guaranteed sex all the time.

He resented that I took the "casual" thing as literally as he implied it would be

( so no guarantee of sex for him if I was tired - my home is my sanctuary so no sleepovers/hosting at mine) I think he'd spent too much time on the internet both looking at porn and reading shit men's blogs claiming that women in a casual relationship were all up for the wildest bedroom antics etc etc.

He tried to make me jealous by telling me all about this "female friend who had feelings for him" and how he needed time with her ( don't they call it spinning plates on or something? I had two other love interests but felt no need to play all them off against each other ) so I said let's take two weeks apart no problem

and then the next time we met he started screaming at me and crying I had no consideration for him as a human being (because I didn't want to have sex with him from then on it just seemed too drama ridden and angry)

From then on he claimed he desperatrly needed my support "as a friend" and what that meant was basically him trying to touch me up when we met and sighing and claiming he was suffering stress to ruin every meeting we had ( because of course I was meant to drag him back home and offer him sex because that's what women who are up for casual sex are like) It was like he just wanted a guaranteed supply of sex?


Final straw came when as his "friend" I booked a classical concert ( shared interest he had said he really wanted to do)

He walked out half way through claiming "tiredness" and I could see he had been sitting there sulking with a massive hard on, yucky creepy little man.

( I don't think he was in love with me, just one of those guys who wasn't actually that sexually experienced and not confident but with high sex drive and obsessed with manipulation and control because he KNEW he didn't have much to offer to "keep women coming" - literally. We spent three nights together, and really, he just wasn't that good)

If I want casual in future I think I'll either just get something spontaneous OR something the dating blogger said was that many "dating properly relationships" fizzle out for practical reasons after a short time

so are casual by definition

so for a casual fling just go for "short term proper dating"?

[Bicarb]

FWB can work well but only if you know how it works and you're disciplined.

I've done it for years and the most important thing is communication. If your feelings or situation change you must say something. If you develop feelings you either have to change the relationship or drop the person.

It's way easier to keep things in perspective if you have more than one FWB at a time.

My FWBs have ranged from a literal she'll come over we fuck and she leaves to a girl who is one of my best friends and we step up our relationship if both of us are either single or non-monogamous at that time, we've been like this for years, and it really works for us.

I don't mind hearing about my FWB's other conquests as it turns me on, and I have compersion for my FWBs but if it's being used as a weapon you need to get rid, as that's just manipulation.

[ChinChinCaroo]

I hate these words FWB and FB. Friends with Benefits - like you get with a job. I overheard my 14 year old son's friend the other day boasting about this is his plan for the future. Whatever happened to finer feelings? FkBuddie - I can't even bring myself to say it, its just so base.

I think the problem with both of them though, is that they involved a declaration right up front that "you're not the one". So you have to somehow square letting your feelings, including your sexual feelings, free fall knowing all the time that the other person doesn't really want you, so you have to control your feelings at the same time! If thats asking for a mess in your head and your heart and your body I don't know what is. I think any man who does this is a heartless sod, and any woman who does it is a fool, or a cynical fool. (Or vice versa if you want to be feministy about it). But even the man in the OP's scenario can't quite go with his own plan - as he has to imagine in some bizarre way that he is the one for the OP.

There is such a thing as a more casual relationship, as there always has been, but there is some flow in the dynamics, and maybe even a sense of a possible future if, say, circumstances changed. But I really do think this FWB is a cynical thing myself.

[StormZelda]

There is a dating vocabulary that my married friends would be unaware of. Like ghosting, zombying etc.! I think you only know this shit if you have to [laughing really honestly]

[LoupGarou]

StormZelda I wasn't doubting you, just baffled again at how things manage (yet again) to pass me by. We live in Alaska though, things can be pretty different here to the rest of the US.

[StormZelda]

this helped me, it's about the hell yes or fuck no principle

[StormZelda]

Loupgarou, I mean really the term originated there! And even the articles I read were explaining what it was! But it helped me to see it in black and white.
I think sometimes with FWB women fall in to a trap of justifying and excusing the situation. Eg he may not be my official bf but he is good to me. Eg he may not be my official boyfriend but i don't not speak to or not spend time with people because we're not officially bound to each other! Eg most of my friendships are und3fined and fluid. Eg it's worth it because it's meeting some of my needs. Eg nobody ever knows when an official/defined relationship will end. Eg There are no guarantees with anything anyway.

So, all of that was going tthrough my head. So rational! I was pushing thoughts uphill the whole time trying to drown out a voice that asked "but why not me? Why are you good enough for me but im not good enough for you?".

I bailed befored id stumbled on the articles i found but i was so glad i did. Pretty much immediately i knew id done the right think. I think my case was extreme though.
Ill l8nk to good articles from my lap top

[AnyFucker]

The FWB generation has passed me by but if I were to find myself in this situation I am 100% sure I would still have to insist that as a bare minimum they were not a twat

It seems a pretty basic requirement to me

[LoupGarou]

StormZelda I live in the US and had never heard the term before, where I live things are a bit more rough and ready though, people don't use the term fwb here either. It makes for fascinating reading, I've learnt a lot of new words!

[StormZelda]

The term is ''place holder girlfriend''.

Google it. Read. Read. Read.

It will help you more than any articles about fwb.

[StormZelda]

It's true what orangejuicedrinksup says. I ''tested'' my friend in the run up to having the strength to end it. I tried to pin him down to going out to a comedy thing and going out for dinner. People do that stuff with friends don't they? No. He just wanted me there to talk to. I was providing a service. I was the door stopper girl friend, or the place-minder girlfriend. The Americans have a word for it.

I also agree with orangejuice about sending a breezy mundane message. I regret pouring my heart out, crying, telling him that he knew when we met that I'd feelings for him, and what was it about six months of closeness that he thought would make the feelings go away???? and why would he choose me of all people for a 'friend'? a woman who had told him straight up she wanted a relationship not a friendship, and with him. I was straight at the beginning. I made him feel bad. Briefly. Then he changed his status on POF to looking for a relationship. So it had been ME he didn't want a relationship with. I behaved like an idiot and I learnt so much from it/him.

Number one thing I learnt was that it's OK to have your own agenda. Don't fit in around his. What is your agenda? To meet somebody? How can you serve that best? NOT by hanging around an fwb you have feelings for!?! No.

[orangejuicedrinksup]

I'd clean break it yourself with a "grey rock" excuse .( Ie, something incredibly boring and mundane and non-exciting but difficult to argue with - Like something about having found Jesus and given up sex or moving away etc) before things get any worse.



Be prepared for some " but you're my girl and I'm gutted" style texting. (A text takes three seconds to send and is free)

(see if he really wants to be with you he'd actually want to start seeing you outside of sex, ? So you could reply " ok let's date for a month with no intimacy" and see how that goes down...)

Also, the whole "he lets me be a bitch to him" means nothing, he's getting a sweet deal overall from his point of view and ( sorry to be harsh) doesn't seem to hugely care how you feel and what you think about him as long as his supply of sex and comfort is ongoing.

[Blushingm]

I kind of have a fwb type situ

I really don't want to marry him if be in a 'relationship' with him but I still hate the thought of him being with anyone else - he slept with his ex about 4 months ago and I hate the thought but then I've got no hold over him as we are both 'single'

It's been more than 3 years now I've known him.......I've no real advice but I feel kind of a bit like you and I'll be reading the advice you get with fear interest

[StormZelda]

sorry about your loss.

I think your friends are wrong If he wanted you to be his girlfriend he'd have left you in no doubt. My friends used to roll their eyes at me if I ever mentioned my friend. They knew it was a train crash.

After I walked away from my 'friend' I felt stronger. The self-efficacy of it increased my self-esteem. I joined yoga. I went to a lecture through meet up. I dated myself for a bit. I read Mr Unavailable and the fall back girl and I read a book about Attachment styles. Anyway, in my case, I was ''triggered'' by his ambivalence to me. I mistook that for chemistry and butterflies. It's very hard for me to feel that giddy feeling with somebody who reciprocates my feelings.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

FWB don't need to know about the other's dates. If you want to remain FWB tell this man that you will no longer talk about who else you date.

FWB should be about 2 people enjoying eachother's company and having sex. Not playing mind games in order to create some weird fucked up emotional tie/trauma. If you can't stop talking about other dates, then end it OP.

[Thattwatoverthere]

It doesn't help that my friends are convinced that when his stuff with his ex is sorted out and I'm past the stage I'm at that we'll be together. They have a really romantic view over it for some reason and I'm having to explain that no, that's not the intention. I've stopped talking to them about him now for my own sanity.

At least this time forewarned is forarmed and I know where I stand...