Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mother was an alcoholic and it's ruining my adult life

51 replies

bizarrelyjubilant · 26/02/2017 08:14

I never used to think it had impacted on me so much. I put my lack of success with everything down to school bullying, down to my own bad choices and down to everything really.

But then I found this which was like reading a list of my own characteristics Sad to the point where I've never actually had a relationship because I'm terrified of intimacy.

The question is what can I do about it? I am not sure about therapy; I just can't see how one hour a week is going to change entrenched things that have been there twenty, thirty odd years?

OP posts:
HarryTheHippo · 26/02/2017 11:07

I think it helps to have an.underatandimg of how our past has impacted on us. Especially a traumatic past. Reading my that list makes so many lightbulbs go on and hopefully in time empower us to recognise them and do something about them.

I regularly wonder if I'm ADD, and my dad appears to be on the asd spectrum. But some of my "issues" certainly stem from lack of parenting/neglectful /abusive childhood. I feel I'm always looking for why I'm different/can't function quite right

SkeletonSkins · 26/02/2017 11:08

My mother was/is also an alcoholic and I went to counselling for just over a year. I found it helped me hugely. Some of the things are so ingrained that they cannot be undone, but identifying these things and discussing them makes you more in control. For example, I can now see when my reaction to an event is because of my past experiences, and can get myself to pause and force myself to think rationally about it. I see it sort of like if you had an intolerance to a food, eating it would still make you sick but there may be things you can do to avoid it or make yourself feel better. You can't really cure it at this point, it's more a case of knowing the impact it's had and knowing how to best manage that and look after yourself. I think counselling really helped me to do that as it allowed me to discuss situations where I was being triggered and I felt my behaviour was being influenced by my past.

Now, I still get triggered by things but a. I know what can set me off (for examole, a sudden change of situation makes me snappy and argumentative as I get fearful). I can recognise that and either remove myself for a few minutes while I get used to the idea of the change, or even just knowing why I feel unsettled allows me to ride it out.

I think my point is, you're right, that an hour a week won't rid you of these things. However with the right counsellor it can give you ways and methods of managing it and prevent it from impacting your life as much as it is now.

HarryTheHippo · 26/02/2017 11:12

I'm struggling now I have kids with seeing other grandparents who adore their children and other people my age who have a good relationship with their parents and have support. At the time it was just survival. Now I struggle with jealousy and I think I'm feeling the hurt /loss more acutely now.

Original poster
bizarrelyjubilant · 26/02/2017 11:14

I can understand that Harry Flowers and this really is pathetic but sometimes I feel a bit jealous of the CHILD!

My mum was a model parent on the outside though and she was always lovely to visiting children Sad

OP posts:
noego · 26/02/2017 11:21

Making plans for the future is fine. I.e. MOT for the car, Dentist appointment, Hairdressers etc etc. That are practical plans and are needed to function in this world.
However if the egoic psychological mind enters and adds drama to those plans then the ego has dragged you into the future and will cause anxiety.
For example. MOT booked for the car next week. Egoic thoughts = Will it pass? Will it need repairs, How much will it cost? What will I do without the car if it needs repairing and so on an so on.
When in FACT there is no-thing you can do about the car until it actually has been seen by the mechanic and then and only then can you ACTUALLY do something. It might even pass the MOT who knows. The TRUTH is no-one can predict the future so why worry about it.
The human mind had between 63,000 - 70,000 thoughts a day. A large percentage are practical thoughts and we do need them to function. But there is also a percentage of egoic thoughts. See them for what they are, lose interest in them. Try it for an hour. See the difference.

HarryTheHippo · 26/02/2017 11:30

((((bizarrely))) I think it's cognitive dissonance when there's 2 conflicting beliefs on our head isn't it. I'm similar with my dad in that everyone thinks he's charming, delightful. It just appears to me he has no interest in children.

Both my parents talk as if my childhood wasn't abusive or blame me for issues o have now without any recollection of how awful it truly was. My brain jumps between the different beliefs

Original poster
bizarrelyjubilant · 26/02/2017 11:38

Yes, mine does too! We were pretty well off and I often feel ungrateful when I think of the holidays we had, the days out to places like Alton towers and zoos and swimming parks when some poor children don't have enough to eat! Sad

OP posts:
noego · 26/02/2017 11:47

All egoic thoughts that cause distress. Step away from those thoughts.

Original poster
bizarrelyjubilant · 26/02/2017 11:50

It's very frustrating talking to you noego

If it was that simple I'd be married with a couple of children by now Hmm

OP posts:
Fighterofthenightman · 26/02/2017 12:23

There are millions of people with those characteristics and it doesn't mean they were children of alcoholics. I think it's a bit of a stretch to say that's why you're single and without kids. And those characteristics just keep contradicting themselves.

Original poster
bizarrelyjubilant · 26/02/2017 12:31

Except that isn't what I am saying, is it? :)

I'm saying I have NEVER had an intimate relationship.

Rather different to being single.

Of course you are right and it could just be that it's me and would have happened whatever happened in my upbringing but then my brother too.

OP posts:
noego · 26/02/2017 12:49

noego I do try! But at the same time, whilst I agree with the premise of that proverb, it's not entirely accurate.

If you think that Buddha is inaccurate then I would definitely suggest counselling/therapy.

If you are including your brother in this scenario, then It seems as though this wasn't just a case of growing up with an alcoholic. This seems a case of dysfunctional programming and conditioning of children by an adult

Original poster
bizarrelyjubilant · 26/02/2017 12:53

This is turning into a strange thread. I'm sorry but I'm not a Buddhist. I am glad you get something out of it, though.

OP posts:
Mellifera · 26/02/2017 13:24

Hi Op
I strongly agree with a previous poster who recommended Schema Therapy to you.
It is ideal if you had lots of unmet needs as a child and by the sound of it, you did. The relationship with the counsellor is very important, the past gets worked through and you get help with those issues that still echo from your past.

If you are in London, I'd be happy to point to towards good Schema therapists.

All the best!

Original poster
bizarrelyjubilant · 26/02/2017 13:27

I'm not I'm afraid but thank you for a helpful post :)

OP posts:
Dontsayyouloveme · 26/02/2017 13:51

OP I totally agree with you on the relationship front. My Schema therapist was amazed I had had three long term relationships never mind a child!

sheusestangerines · 26/02/2017 14:15

For many years I thought it was enough to decide that my past didn't get to determine who I was. I was possibly even scathing of therapy. I thought a couple of friends were very negative, even self indulgent with their therapy. Blush

At 40 things came to a head in my life, and pretty much crashed with the end of my marriage. My life choices had definitely been shaped by my childhood.

OP, you are starting to think about your life and how it shaped who you are. I worry some of these posts are telling you are wrong to feel as you do and I'm glad you see that. Given what you have described it would be strange to think your past is irrelevant.

SeaEagleFeather · 26/02/2017 15:00

nuego any truly advanced spiritual and compassionate person knows to approach the person they're talking to on their own level, as far as possible.

I'm afraid that what you're saying here comes over as rubbish, and unkind rubbish at that.

Original poster
bizarrelyjubilant · 26/02/2017 15:18

Thank you. Appreciate the helpful responses!

Noego it's not that I think the saying you posted is 'wrong' - I think in some circumstances it's correct - but I don't think it's the full picture and also, it turns things into a 'choice' - I'm not choosing to think about the past but it's obviously shaped who I am today.

OP posts:
noego · 26/02/2017 15:27

I am only trying to point you to something. Don't bite my finger :)

Original poster
bizarrelyjubilant · 26/02/2017 15:29

I'm not, noego, but your post came across a little as 'you need to stop doing thing you cannot help and if you don't it's YOUR fault', you know? :)

OP posts:
noego · 26/02/2017 15:30

Seaeaglefeather.

“A true Guru and Monk would never tell you what to do. But he would give you the knowledge with which you could decide what would be best for you to do.”

Meaning of Guru : ‘Gu refers to darkness assuming the form of ignorance and ‘ru to the radiance in the form of spiritual knowledge, which dispels this darkness. Thus the Guru is the one who dispels the darkness of ignorance.

Guru always take their follower from dark to light. Guru love their each follower and always live in their follower's heart.

SeaEagleFeather · 26/02/2017 15:37

A true guru considers the impact of his words. And the people he's talking to.

ClopySow · 26/02/2017 15:42

If you think that Buddha is inaccurate then I would definitely suggest counselling/therapy

If you suggest people need counselling/therapy because they don't agree with your religious beliefs you might want to take a long, hard think about things.

noego · 26/02/2017 16:30

It seems OP that some egoic body mind people want to use your thread to attack me, so will bow out. I hope you find the answers in your own way.