AIBU to feel it's pretty selfish to want "alone time" and "sports time" when I get neither?

[HoldenCaulfieldsmum]

I'm feeling pretty angry at my DH. He is always going on about being an introvert and justifying being bloody grumpy by saying he hasn't had his "alone time". The thing is, I'm an introvert too, and with two kids under 4 I get zero time to myself. He also needs time to exercise in addition to this. Again, I don't get this at all. If I don't go to bed at 9 so he can watch TV alone he gets really pissed off. I'm just feeling pretty unappreciated and like he is being pretty selfish. AIBU?

'if asked he will look after them'

Yes. So essentially you are looking after them 24/7 as the default, but if you arrange it with him, he will spend some time looking after them ungraciously

Ask him if he has ever thought 'I'd like to go to the gym' (or whatever) and then immediately thought 'can I get childcare for that'. Or does he assume you will be there unless you state otherwise?

Things can change and it certainly gets easier as they get older, but yes, I'd be concerned at the current situation.

There is a lot of information online about it and there is a thread on here with lots of information

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814536-Useful-information-and-links-for-people-dealing-with-narcissistic-or-difficult-ex-partners

Hope you can open it ok. It has info on different sorts and levels of emotional abuse in relationships.

Hope it helps.

Thank you that is very kind.

I'd be worried as to what he is really doing when he forces you to bed at 9pm.

Does he guard his phone etc?

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Basics/escalation.html

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0671870742/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483124055&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=living+with+the+passive-aggressive+man&dpPl=1&dpID=51xeHKy16ML&ref=plSrch&tag=mumsnetforum-21

Other posters have recommended these too but I've not seen them personally.

I thought the suggestion earlier of alternating going to bed at 9pm, one night you, next night him, was a decent one - that might at least remind him that it's not all about him, and you have needs too. Not all week, but a couple of nights each maybe. I would also try and set up a regular slot at the weekend where you go out alone and he has the kids. If he can't agree to any of this then he is being purely selfish.

At the very least your DH sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. It is a very difficult situation when you have very young children and feel responsible for keeping all the plates spinning. It is easy to keep taking the road of least resistance to avoid sulks, uncomfortable situations etc but it can escalate over time until you realise that everything has been twisted and that you are the only one giving on an emotional basis and receiving very little back in return. The whole society thing which tells men that all they have to do is go to work and earn money and 'the wife' is responsible for everything else helps to reinforce in men predisposed to put themselves and their own interests first that they are entitled to act in this way.

RedastheRose you're right. I have to get honest with myself. When he gets angry he regularly breaks things and calls me a selfish cow. I can't believe I'm that person...What the hell do I do? Is this repairable?

Me time? You are married - it should be 'our' time.

Getting honest with yourself is the first step, whether it is repairable is most probably down to whether he wants to change. You have to make him see the options are he starts taking account of your feelings and wishes or your marriage is over. If he doesn't want to change then nothing you can say will make him. If he as he understands and wants your marriage to survive then he has to alter his behaviour. You have to tell him what you want (i.e. Marriage counselling) specific agreement about you both getting what you want from your relationship etc. Be very careful to make sure his behaviour reflects his words though. Emotionally manipulative people are very good at saying the right things then their actions do not match their words. Unfortunately, I am speaking from experience and I allowed myself to be treated like a doormat for so long because I believed the words and also that I became so used to the manipulation that I couldn't see what was happening. It took my oldest daughter telling me that her dad was a narcissist before I even understood what he had done. If he doesn't want to change then no matter how much you love him it will never be enough for him to treat you the way you want him to and in time it will affect your dc's

Thank you again. I know you're right. Marriage counseling is my immediate goal. I need to try to sleep now, but thank you.

OK, breaking stuff and that level of anger is not healthy to live with :(

Counselling as a couple isn't recommended where there is abuse. It'd be better for you to attend counselling alone.

Breaking things is domestic violence.

Having a panic attack because you suggested counselling and using this to shut down the suggestion is manipulative.

What a selfish nobhead. I would tell him you want him to have the kids every Saturday afternoon for 3 hours, and Sunday too, because you need YOUR alone time.

Making you go to bed at 9 so he can have his alone time? That's just weird/toxic/controlling and needs addressing badly.

I would divorce his sorry arse so he gets all the alone time he deserves.

I can't help but think of this.........

Be careful what you wish for hubz!

Ok

1. He shouldn't be agreeing to 'look after' his children, he should be parenting them, just as you are. He's not a teenager and he doesn't get a reward for 'babysitting'

1. People don't act like cunts because or depression/are introverted. They act like cunts because they are cunts.

1. He's emotionally abusing you. This will not get any better and you need to leave, for your own sake and for the sake of your children.

It's not selfish to want that but it is to insist upon it while not allowing you to have the same chances.

I am an introvert and found my 'space' by going running. It's hugely important to me but it took me years to feel OK about taking that time.

What does he say when you point out that you need space too?