You are choosing to feel that way

[NotMyChoiceTo]

I hate this phrase.

I kind if get the whole you can't control other people but you can control how you react thing.

But this seems a step further?

You are choosing to let them wind you up
You are choosing to let them upset you
You are choosing to feel that way

I feel like it dismisses my feelings, almost invalidates them? Struggling to articulate why it upsets me. When I said that I was told it wasn't invalidating my feelings?

It was always about small things, but niggled. And always to me.

It was then said to dc1 (ASD) last night (I wasn't home ). Dc got upset. I told dh (later when he was recounting) that dc was upset as he had invalidated his feelings on the situation. Dh said not.

This morning I was annoyed at dc1 being nasty to dc2. Dc 1 retaliated with dc2 was choosing to be upset about it, and I was choosing to be annoyed about it.

It feels like a stepping stone to abuse? To do what you want and discount the fall out as the person is 'choosing' to feel bad?

I can't quite articulate. But it is undermining me telling off Dc for being quite nasty to each other :(

Or am I over reacting?

Learning to be tidy takes practice. And it's not natural for everyone.

"properly" is subjective. Take in stages.

Hygiene is mandatory so:

Clothes put away, beds made, rubbish cleared, cups and plates removed and clear floor (so they can hoover) as a minuimum mandatory standard.

If the shelves/bookcases/desk etc aren't perfect leave that for now.

Work on the basics first. Hygiene is mandatory, perfect is personal choice.

Choose your battles.

Ok so they shoved it in a corner. I pulled it out. Dc2 asked for help so I sat and helped fold. Dc1 went off on one how they didn't want help and I had to leave. I said no, dc2 wants help. Then they said dc2 wishes count for more than me. I said no. Dc1 then said if you are helping dc2 then help me, so I did. More get out etc. I said if you can't see that I am helping then that is not ok. I said what was written above that at the end of the day not negotiable. Dc1 said fine then next time I ask cos you said no I will say no. I repeatedly what is said about no negotiations and left.

All folded and they just need to put away.....

Ok, sounds like progress with DC2.

DC1 isn't allowed to tell you to get out of his room. That's unacceptable.

If he wants help he asks for it nicely and says thank you.

He needs to understand that you and he are not equal. You are in charge.

It sounds like you've made a good start. You need to keep going. Be consistent.

You need to accept that changing these behaviours won't be easy and it won't be quick. There's no magic pill. It will be worth it though.

Be consistent. Follow through on both promises and threats. Praise good behaviour.

Dc2 almost done! And properly! Firm boundaries are working. But yes I know it will be a long road! Massive praises for how well dc1 is doing so far.

Dc1 reading on his bed. He asked what consequences if not done. I said none but he will get nothing until it is. I said that was his choice. (Ha!) he agreed!

note dc2 is nuerotypical though!

Also, dc1 with dinner...do I just serve up and put to the side to be heated once he is done? What if he doesn't get it done by bedtime? Won't he go to bed hungry? Eek.

I agree that's a good start.
I would have just said to dc1,
I'm not helping you, I'm helping dc2. (I assume you were only folding dc2 clothes?).
Then ignore.

Dc1 cannot talk for dc2 (WE don't want help).

And YY they can't tell you to get out of the room either.

But overall, YOU ARE DOING VERY WELL.
The next key is consistency and not never back down again and let them think they might be able to wear you down

I should have said massive praises for dc2! Not dc1!

Dc1 still reading being stubborn. I have not engaged. I said my bit earlier about it being his choice.

Perhaps the smell of pizza will motivate him!

You don't want to get in a stand off situation really. You want to encourage action.

So serve dinner for everyone else, then pop back to his room, give him a hug and say cheerfully "come on, it's pizza! Let's get this done and go get it before it gets cold!"

Help him a bit but don't do it for him. Just jolly him along.

In the end though, if he really refuses he can go to bed hungry.

He's 11 - he won't starve to death.

It is all folded for him oops did it when I did dc2.

He just came downstairs with the compromise of he can eat and drink but no screens. Nope!

He said he was hungry so I brightly said do it it will only take five mins then you can eat.

Will pop up when I am about to serve. Good idea. Hug won't go down well though!

Ok, him coming down is progress!

If hug doesn't work for him, them smiley, affectionate voice. This isn't a bit deal - it's a five minute job.

"Get it done. Get pizza. Then time to yourself. "

No shouting, no stress, quick praise praise for him when it's done (no open smugness on your part) just "great, here's your pizza"

Hold your line. Next time it will be a bit easier!

You're in the right track :)

Op I think I know where you are coming from in your first post.

Yes it's dismissing and ignoring feelings and this isn't right. Sometimes over sensitivity can be questioned but usually well after the event! And probably good to in a 'debrief'.

I just wondered if reading some bits from "how to talk to kids" might help a bit?

I've found a lot of Janet Landsbury's ideas helpful with my son but also very useful with the ASD children I teach also oddly. She's very keen to not dismiss feelings, as the other book does, and to acknowledge, but set firm boundaries also. I know it's also between your children but it might help with some of the language etc.

Really sorry, I think I've misunderstood a bit that it's from your DH?

The books might still help though.