Is it ever NOT an OW?

[KindaMagicista]

If he says 'I don't love you anymore'?
Been having problems for a while with DH, lack of intimacy and affection which has been an issue for a long time but I thought that was porn addiction, he went to therapy about that last year.

He told me recently that he doesn't love me any more. I am absolutely distraught by this. He says he doesn't fancy me. He has been under a huge amount of stress for the last 6 months at work and I've put a lot of it down to that. This has devastated me, he said he was going to move out if I wanted him to but I've said I want us to fight for us. I still love him so much.

He has agreed to go to counselling and says he wants to save our relationship. We have 3 kids and I want to save this.

I've been on here long enough to know the script but I don't know if I'm projecting or if it really is how stressed he has been, and that I'm just paranoid.

We have I thought a good relationship, we are equal, we have a laugh, I thought we were ok, though we've had a tough few years with one thing and another.

I am keeping it together just but he won't talk to me properly and says he want to wait till we go to counselling. I am beside myself.

Is it ever not an OW? I have my suspicions about a woman he works with. I've not checked his phone or snooped in any way yet. Wtf do I do? Has anyone got past their partners saying that and it not been because he's cheating or wants to cheat?

We have so much to lose, I don't want to lose my family. I believe he does still love me. Please help.

How are things Kinda?

Thinking of you Kinda.

Im trying to work out whether it is better if there is an OW? My partner of 10 years left my and our 3 year old almost 3 weeks ago, and swears blind there is nobody else.

I know where he's been staying, so know that's not with OW. Our relationship hadnt been right for some time, and we'd tried to work out our issues a few times but it almost felt like a competition. We would both agree what the other person needed to do/stop doing to fix things, but neither of us wanted to be the first to change so it was catch 22.

He started staying out after work, and then finally said he was leaving. He says he loves me but is not in love with me anymore. Ive since found out he's run up a lot of debt on drink, and is drinking heavily everyday. He is also a compulsive liar,and lies about anything and everything. He'll lie about stupid things and monumental stuff.

I think if I knew there was an OW, I could move on easier, but a small part of me thinks have his issues led to this and could we be happy again if he addressed them? I suppose he needs to want to address them himself!

I

It's only when one party meets someone else that they realise the relationship, for them, is over.

So the OW becomes a catalyst but not necessarily the root cause of the break up.

I think that is the key, if he still loved you then he wouldn't be having this affair.

Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

Sickofthis The friend I mentioned earlier (when it turned out no OW but hidden debt) was quite insulted to be "left for no one" initially. I think it's hard however it happens but having had friends go through both at least if there's not an OW you don't have to suffer the agonising envy. A good friend of mine said that although everyone was kind to her and kept her busy she still went to bed alone knowing he was off having great sex with OW. I think no OW makes it easier forgive too and work through. My friend and her OH have been reunited for many years now after several years of separation and a lot of counselling.

Just to update it was an OW! Naively I thought I could move on more easily if it was, but I was wrong.

The thought of them together consumes me and I dont know how to deal with this. Have to have lots of contact as we have DS

I was adamant mine didn't have an OW. He managed to convince me it was my fault and it was him who was hurt and confused. MN warned me of the possibility of someone else. I wasn't convinced. All because of his gaslighting and manipulation. But I couldn't understand why he'd walk after 19 years if there was nobody else.
12 weeks in, I found pretty certain proof of his involvement with a married woman. Younger than me obviously. I filed for divorce the following week.

Mum told me a while ago that her MIL (my grandma) said her once: "Although he is my son and I love him dearly, I would advise you not to trust everything he says..."
I'm sorry OP💐

Really sorry to hear that.
Do you have support?
What did you finding about OW?

I got hold of his mobile phone bills. It was clear as day. Nobody spends an hour on the phone to a colleague's wife at 2am if nothing is going on! X

Of course it's not always another woman. This is a self-selecting forum where people who need to vent come to vent. The sample size is tiny, and it's inherently biased by its very nature.

That's not to minimise the pain that infidelity has caused to the women on here whose husbands were seeing someone else, but they post here because it's a good place to post if your husband is seeing another woman.

Sometimes, people stop loving people. Women stop loving men, and posters on here are quite right when they say not loving your husband is plenty of reason to leave him. Men are no different in this respect. They have feelings, they need love, they are NOT all "pathetic needy creatures who enjoy having their cake and eating it" - and if a man said something equivalent of women (we're all "irrational moody creatures who enjoy playing the victim", say), they'd be rightly pilloried.

I think this forum is really helpful for people who are going through a traumatic relationship breakup or difficulties, but don't kid yourself that it's in any way representative.

That's really crap

It was when I found out. But it gave me what I needed to see things for how they were and not what he actually made me believe. I was shocked he'd done it to me but everyone is aren't they? He'll be sorry one day I'm sure.

I think it is often OW in the case of men because it's an exit route. Relationships, after the romance phase, require kindness communication and compromise during the conflict phase. If these traits exist in a marriage then the partnership is likely to continue.

It's not sexist to say that generally men have weaker communication skills as this is backed up by science and I believe culturally men are not encouraged to discuss emotions. I think this is the reason more men leave for OW as they are go back to the romance stage of a relationship rather than go through the conflict/communication/compromise stage. 2nd marriages and 3rd marriages have higher rates of failure than 1st marriages which suggests that unless you learn the skills of relationships you will repeat the cycle with another partner.

No one truly wants the end of a marriage as it's heart break for all concerned and has high costs however many people don't have the skills to sustain a long term relationship.
Everyone changes, that is healthy. If you can discuss and communicate why can't that change be accommodated in a existing marriage?
My friends ex went off with OW (who was also married). Their reasons for leaving partners was 'being in love' and compatibility in a few areas.5 years down the line they have each changed and as they don't have the skills to resolve the change they are pulling apart.Both feel like victims as being badly treated by each other, the reality is they don't have the skills to maintain healthy relationships.

but he won't talk to me properly and says he want to wait till we go to counselling. I am beside myself.

This bit jumped out for me, OP. There have been things I have raised with my husband, but only felt confident enough to do so when someone else was there to mediate. FWIW, we were able to work through them and are still together.

Whatever happens, good luck.

Yes my h said this. wasn't an OW it was anyone with a pulse. He was addicted to porn and sex workers. Check atm withdrawals and phone logs.
Said I was frigid etc etc
maybe that's why he's so stressed? Mine was also very angry all the time. Such a joy.
You need to think about you and not give a stuff what a porn addled brain thinks!!

I don't think it's always an OW. You read a lot about OW on here because folk don't tend to post about undramatic breakups.

I agree with the poster who said that OW is not always the cause of the problem, but sometimes the solution to it. I don't think that happy men and women cheat, on the whole.