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Original poster

Is it ever NOT an OW?

67 replies

KindaMagicista · 25/02/2017 01:17

If he says 'I don't love you anymore'?
Been having problems for a while with DH, lack of intimacy and affection which has been an issue for a long time but I thought that was porn addiction, he went to therapy about that last year.

He told me recently that he doesn't love me any more. I am absolutely distraught by this. He says he doesn't fancy me. He has been under a huge amount of stress for the last 6 months at work and I've put a lot of it down to that. This has devastated me, he said he was going to move out if I wanted him to but I've said I want us to fight for us. I still love him so much.

He has agreed to go to counselling and says he wants to save our relationship. We have 3 kids and I want to save this.

I've been on here long enough to know the script but I don't know if I'm projecting or if it really is how stressed he has been, and that I'm just paranoid.

We have I thought a good relationship, we are equal, we have a laugh, I thought we were ok, though we've had a tough few years with one thing and another.

I am keeping it together just but he won't talk to me properly and says he want to wait till we go to counselling. I am beside myself.

Is it ever not an OW? I have my suspicions about a woman he works with. I've not checked his phone or snooped in any way yet. Wtf do I do? Has anyone got past their partners saying that and it not been because he's cheating or wants to cheat?

We have so much to lose, I don't want to lose my family. I believe he does still love me. Please help.

OP posts:
Rockluvvindad · 25/02/2017 09:20

99% of statistics on forums are made up...

Some PEOPLE leave for another PERSON, some PEOPLE just stop loving each other and split.

The only relevant experience in your situation is your own. Lots of people here will have had experience of either situation. The fact is, if he says he no longer loves you, he believes he no longer loves you and that could be for any number of reasons, only one of which is that there is another woman.

If it were me, I would ask him to leave now. It would give you space to make your own plans and give you the chance to find someone who does love you.

Good luck whatever you decide...

RLD.

IsNotGold · 25/02/2017 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LesisMiserable · 25/02/2017 09:28

I think when a man leaves a ltr he does it because he believes the grass is greener whether the cows are already lined up or not so to speak!! He leaves because the relationship has stopped serving him and he wants to see what's potentially out there for him. He might not definitely have another woman but the plan is to find an alternative to what he has. I think men are far more idealistic but also more simply satisfied than women.

Crispsheets · 25/02/2017 09:35

I was the same honey
20 year marriage, and I suddenly had a lightbulb moment that I didn't love him. Or even like him much. I wasn't being "me" and the thought of 20 more years of being with him was horrible. No one else involved.
Nearly 3 years later, life is wonderful. He is still very bitter but I have little contact with him and ignore any ranty texts. I met someone eight months later without actively looking and we are very happy.

TheNaze73 · 25/02/2017 10:06

IsNotGold, that's fair enough, I think everyone will have differing opinions. Can only speak from experience, that when I've been in happy, fulfilling relationships, I've never been tempted to stray, when I've not been 100% happy, the propensity for something to happen is increased, although I'd end things & not stray.

PaterPower · 25/02/2017 14:14

From one bloke's perspective (mine!) there doesn't have to be ow or even the prospect of ow involved.

I've left all my relationships (with the exception of my marriage where she cheated) because it wasn't working any more. The reasons varied, but no external factors/people were involved. I've never cheated and I'm sure (as far as anyone can be) that I never would.

SandyY2K · 25/02/2017 14:35

OP,

Why do you believe he loves you, when he's saying he doesn't?
I've also known people to agree to counselling as a tick box exercise. Then they can say they tried, but it didn't work out. Stops them from looking like the bad guy.

I've seen it even here on MN, where a woman says its over, but after DH pleads and begs, she agrees to MC, with the intention of spelling out that it's over for her.

He may also be waiting for a 'safe' place to tell you what the underlying issue is.

F1GI · 25/02/2017 14:38

A man saying he doesn't love his wife anymore usually does have an OW or at least one in mind.

Original poster
KindaMagicista · 25/02/2017 14:59

Well I looked at his phone last night. Loads of calls to a number with no contact name. Sometimes for half an hour at a time. A long incoming call from a no with no caller ID. Quite a few missed calls from the same.

A few while he has been off looking after the kids while I've been at work this week.

I rang the number. It is the work no of that woman he works with. I feel numb. Wtf do I do now?

OP posts:
LetsStartAtTheVeryBeginning · 25/02/2017 15:06

Assume he's having and affair and take it from there.

What do you want to do?

Italiangreyhound · 25/02/2017 15:13

Kinda I am sorry, it may be the start of an affair or full blown. I would want to know but you may want to get your ducks in a row first.

I've not been in this position so may not be the best to advise but I wish you luck. A work colleague, is it so cliché.

Northernlurker · 25/02/2017 15:23

I'm sorry op. Looks like you were right to be suspicious.

I think this is a case of when somebody tells you who they are, listen. He's emotionally checked out of your marriage. I think you need to work on letting the relationship go because what you thought was there, isn't there anymore.

loinnir · 25/02/2017 15:31

There is often an OW but IME sometimes it is the glimpse of the "grass being greener" that has precipitated the split - a flirtation at work, a career change, going back to Uni, going on a Lads' weekend. Some people are very unhappy and see their marriage as the cause of it when it fundamentally isn't - could have been unresolved issues from their childhood for example that they had quashed for years.

In your situation - I think the really bald statements he has made such as "I don't love you" and "I don't fancy you" are not good signs. Most men might say "it's not you, it's me" "I love you but am no longer in love with you" etc to temper things. I would find those statements quite hard to come back from.

Some people use counselling to negoiate their exit rather than work on rebuilding things. You may not both want the same things from the sessions. Be careful that you don't wrap yourself up in knots trying to be "fanciable" loosing weight, wearing more make up etc - asking how high he wants you to jump to fix things so that he will love you again. In other words don't do the "pick me dance"

Original poster
KindaMagicista · 25/02/2017 15:41

I am numb. Feel like a complete idiot. I never ever would have thought he could do this. Now lots of things are falling into place. Why he has been so stressed. Why he has been so distant. I think you're right and that he has agreed to go to counselling to facilitate his exit. Not because he wants to save our marriage. That explains why he won't talk to me till then.

I think he told me he didn't love me so I would kick him out and he wouldn't have to be the bad guy by abandoning his family.

I'm such a fucking fool for thinking the best of him and being worried about him for all this time.

I don't know what to do next. I can't stop shaking.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/02/2017 15:47

Tell him to leave. Where he goes will be very telling.

bluejelly · 25/02/2017 15:48

So sorry to hear Kinda Flowers
What a horrible shock.

n0ne · 25/02/2017 16:27

In my case, yes. STBXH told me we were over, he didn't fancy or love me anymore and that was that. I fell to pieces for a good year. But he was single the entire time, and for a couple of years after that. I think that made it worse, that it wasn't that his head had been turned by someone else, but that I just wasn't good enough (loveable?) full stop. Being with no-one was better than being with me. But had I been cheated on, maybe I would think that was worse. No way of knowing.

Either way, OP, it sucks majorly. I'm so sorry Flowers

Christinayangstwistedsista · 25/02/2017 16:36

You stuck by him through a porn addiction and then he does this to you?

Tell him to go

AnyFucker · 25/02/2017 16:43

The porn "addiction" and infidelity are all part of the same sliding scale scenario. One often follows the other. ...

Men's entitlement to treat women like shit and still expect them to stick around.

I don't believe there is any coming back from this.

HeavenlyEyes · 25/02/2017 18:00

stop doing the pick me dance and fighting for nothing and get him out pronto. Sorry that he stuck to the well worn script.

FireInTheSky1 · 25/02/2017 20:00

It is definitely not always another woman/man

People and circumstances change over time. Some people grow together, some grow apart

I think some people over time want different things

I think some people are just NOT brave enough to make the break and stay together in misery

I have met people who have shared their stories and I have admired people who have started again with their life. Why be miserable ?

If you are lucky to grow old, do you want to say I wish I had done this when I had the chance ?

Its not always about finding a new partner, I think it is more about finding yourself

I think that if you break up you have to try and do it in the kindest way and move onwards

Sometimes life can be cruel, but better things can happen in the future

228agreenend · 25/02/2017 20:11

Sorry to say it's not looking good. Possibly an emotional affair at least.

fluentinsarcasm · 25/02/2017 20:12

Every friend I know, who's story sounds like yours, and partner has left them because 'It's just not working anymore' has found a OW waiting in the wings.
'There''s always a Bev'...My mums saying when told of split.
Hope it's different for you OP.

chatnanny · 25/02/2017 20:59

Sorry to read your update OP. I wouldn't be able to say nothing in these circumstances. I would see a solicitor on Monday, the best you can find and get one step ahead and then tell him you are aware of this relationship. You're in my thoughts, big virtual hugs.

nomad27 · 25/02/2017 21:25

I think often it's easier to stay with someone out of routine etc even when there are problems in the relationship or it's gone stale.

It's only when one party meets someone else that they realise the relationship, for them, is over.

So the OW becomes a catalyst but not necessarily the root cause of the break up.

That's been my experience anyway.

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