Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How can I find the strength to leave a crap relationship?

33 replies

whyamisoweak · 01/03/2007 22:40

I've been with my bf 2 years now, and it's so not going anywhere. He is not the man for me-- he is negative, critical and morose (though intelligent, handsome and we have a lot in common )..

I know I want to get out but every time I think about it I get scared and anxious.

I don't really understand why, I am generally a strong intelligent person who gets what she wants in life.

So why am I so weak?

OP posts:

Original poster

whyamisoweak · 01/03/2007 22:41

We don't live together or have kids, though I have one from a previous relationship...

OP posts:

issyissyissy · 01/03/2007 22:57

Poor you. How did you feel when you first met him? Were you besotted with him or thinking then he was not "the one"?

Original poster

whyamisoweak · 01/03/2007 23:01

I had my reservations but fell in love fairly quickly... a year ago I would love to have moved in with him,, married him etc. Thank god I decided to wait a bit.. the longer we have been together the more negative sides of his personality I have seen.

I really don't feel like I love him anymore

But I know he will be really broken hearted if we split up.

OP posts:

issyissyissy · 01/03/2007 23:04

I do think that sometimes the reservations are there for a reason, but we just dont like to look at them. I know I have done that in the past.
Has he suggested moving in together? Did anything specific happen a year ago?

Original poster

whyamisoweak · 01/03/2007 23:13

He really wants me to move in with him, but I am loathe to give up uproot my dd from school etc
Also as I know he is not the 'one', it just really isn't an option.

I haven't told him that yet though

We broke up a year ago for a few months. I was gutted at first but recovered fairly quickly. Stupidly I got back with himm ( he begged me really nicely) and to be honest the love just hasn't come back..

OP posts:

Original poster

whyamisoweak · 01/03/2007 23:15

Part of me feels frightened of his reaction, he has never been violent but has a nasty temper (well only seen it about 5 times but still).
I feel a bit scared of how he will take the news

OP posts:

Original poster

whyamisoweak · 01/03/2007 23:17

I absolutely must go to bed now as have to be up v early to start new job, but will log on again tomorrow. Thanks for 'listening'

OP posts:

Monkeytrousers · 01/03/2007 23:20

Well you don't need any strength to stay wher you are and look after the best interests of you and your child. If you move in with him you are giving up your power to make decisions for yourself. Just don;t do it. I know it's hard, but you know it's right too.

issyissyissy · 01/03/2007 23:21

I wonder why you are feeling so scared of leaving. Do you feel dependant on him for anything?
I suppose it is kind of scarey to be by yourself sometimes, do you have friends or relatives you could spend more time with?
I spent too long with someone that i knew i was not going to go the distance with but was scared of leaving or ending it, incase I never fell in love again, or if he did before me! But I now know that being around him stopped me meeting any one else.
If the love is not there, it may not come back, do you want to be in love with him

whiffywarthog · 02/03/2007 00:03

are you worried you might not find someone else?

good thing you haven't moved in, and coming on here is the first step to getting out. you will find someone else who doesn't drag you down. don't worry about him - you're not responsible. you have to take care of you.

Original poster

whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 20:45

Thanks for the advice. I don't really feel scared of being on my own. When we broke up last year I genuinely enjoyed the freedom. What I'm really scared of is him going really mental, shouting at me, and maybe even hurting me. Maybe I'm being overly-paranoid considering he has never laid a finger on me, but he has mental health issues (bad depression) and can be rather domineering. When we broke up last year he sent endless texts and emails to me, some really angry, some really nice. But he didn't really leave me alone.

i so shouldn't have got back with him, part of me did it for an easy life.

I can't believe I am even writing this down, feels so weird. And if you met him you would never understand in a million years how I can feel like this.

OP posts:

issyissyissy · 02/03/2007 21:32

You need to stay strong and look after yourself and your lo. Make sure you are safe when you do tell him incase he does start being too difficult,

Coolmama · 02/03/2007 21:36

... and the upside of staying in this relationship is .......???

Original poster

whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 21:43

LOL there is no upside.
We've just had a big row on the phone, so maybe the end is in sight.
He was supposed to come round for supper after work but went to the pub instead. I told him not to leave it too late and he called me a bitch ( he was drunk)
I told him I was sick of being messed around -- he said that was rich coming from me as I had f'd him around for years
I was so cross I put the phone down.

OP posts:

Aloveheart · 02/03/2007 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 21:49

That;s good to know!

OP posts:

whiffywarthog · 02/03/2007 21:50

{{{hugs}}}} waisw, and wish all the best for you.

is it possible to get a good friend on-side, so that if you feel threatened they could come round and stay? you could also have a word with the neighbours, if you're on talking terms, and that if things get out of hand, they will call the police for you?

Coolmama · 02/03/2007 21:52

so there's no upside ...... and you are still not sure what to do??????

Original poster

whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 21:55

Coolmama, I do know what to do but am just scared of doing it...

Although during our row just now I told him I ws really unhappy and that I wanted out

So maybe I have just done it?
Well I have broached the suybject anyway!

He hasnt called me back, so am presuming he has gone back to the pub. He is on the other side of town so don't think I have to worry that he will come round now...

( why do I still feel jumpy though?)

OP posts:

AMAZINWOMAN · 02/03/2007 21:56

you will get the strength . at the minute all your energy is being used thinking what will he be saying to me tonight, or dwelling about the things he has said etc
all this energy you are being used will be gone and you can use your time more positively! this gives you the strength you need.

also-think what state you will be in 5 years time! what example are you showing to your child? that its ok to be in a crap relationship??

initaily it will be very very tough. can you go away for a week over easter (even if you sleep at friends house) so that he cant contact you? knowing you are going away for a bit will hep give you the strengt

Original poster

whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 21:56

WWH, thanks for the hugs. My neigbour is great so no worries there. i wish I had a friend who could come round but this time on a friday night I doubt it!

OP posts:

Coolmama · 02/03/2007 21:57

scared of........?
(fill in blank)

Original poster

whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 21:59

I am going away soon and soooooo looking forward to it. Can't wait.

I just know I will be so much happier without him and am really trying to focus on that.

I thinkk part of the reason I stayed with him so long is that i feel really sorry for him, he has had a such a tough life. but that doesn't mean I should sacrifice my life!

OP posts:

Original poster

whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 22:00

Coolmama: scared of him going really mental at me.

OP posts:

Original poster

whyamisoweak · 02/03/2007 22:01

And hassling me endlessly. But I know I just have to be strong.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2