Weird title for Relationships, but does anyone who watches Holby City have any words of advice?

[FrazzleRock]

(Sorry another really long post of mine. I seem to be quite the writer when I get going. If you reach the end, I'd really appreciate what you think)

Reason I ask is the past few weeks I've been watching the relationship between Isaac and Dom and it is striking such a huge chord with me.

I've been trying to work out my DP and have noticed how similar his behaviour is to Isaac, and how similar my reaction to him is to Dom. I haven't been able to describe it before seeing this.

DP isn't quite as bad as Isaac, but the similarities are there for sure. I don't know if I am over reacting or just trying to work out what is going on with us but I feel really uncomfortable. DP loves confrontation, almost thrives on it, and I hate it. He will always tell me exactly how it is, no matter how much it hurts me. His father is the same as he openly destroyed me by telling me his thoughts on my miscarriage in front of the whole family. Baby doesn't exist, not a real person yadda yadda... (completely wrong to approach me with this, as far as I'm concerned, given how much I am grieving and struggling)
So I guess that is where DP gets it from - learnt behavior.

When DP becomes confrontational (regularly) he is very articulate and uses words and phrases I wouldn't use, and sometimes have never even heard of. This makes me feel inferior and also pretty confused and makes me question myself.
He often withholds affection when I'm upset, I have asked for a simple hug in our Relate sessions which he does do, but they are not real hugs. Afterwards he then tends to withhold affection and becomes very very distant which leaves me anxious and more confused and I always end up apologising just to make peace.

I also looked into the concept of Love bombing, I found this article here:www.elephantjournal.com/2016/01/love-bombing-a-seductive-manipulative-technique/

I found myself nodding along enthusiastically all the way through that article.

I don't know if this is real abuse, or I am just very sensitive. This has all come about since we lost our first baby a year ago (an unplanned but beautiful surprise). Before this happened, we had been together for only 8 months. He adored me, worshipped me, constantly told me I'm beautiful, gorgeous etc.. Always lots of compliments, lots of text communication throughout the day. Always very affectionate at home and in public. Loads of hugs and attention.

The first I saw of his anger and resentment was when I spoke about trying again a couple of weeks after our loss. He was so angry with me, sat on the end of the bed staring at me with, what I can only describe as, hate in his eyes. He never really wanted his own children so bringing this up was difficult for me.

We did actually try again, but lost that one too. Since then he has refused to try again for financial reasons - he realised we really can't afford it and he is still very much on the fence about having his own children.
I am struggling with this so much and have written various threads about not ever having that healing from another baby. I want to make peace with it, after all I am very lucky to have two DC from previous marriage, but finding it virtually impossible as I am triggered all day everyday.

If I cry in front of him he says I am emotionally blackmailing him, so I try to avoid getting upset around him. He knows I want to make peace with his decision, but everytime he berates me for being upset, I plummet further into depression. He then withholds affection when I need it the most and I apologise for being upset and apologise for my depression.

He often says he has lost the Frazzle he met and fell in love with because I have been so depressed (suicidal even), especially since we stopped trying. I hate the me I am now too, and just want my previous life back again, and I also respect that DP has changed his mind about trying again, so its not like I want him to just say 'lets try again' for my sake. I want to get better and am taking steps to improve my mind, though not much is happening as yet.

He says I am looking for a fix and that it won't happen, that I have to fix myself and not rely on him or anyone else to help me.

I honestly do not know if it is me, if I am totally overreacting, or if his behavior towards me is wrong. I've just never been with anyone like him before with his attitude to treating people and to life in general. He has told me several times that he has made people at work cry and people have told him he is unapproachable. Friends of ours have told me they wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of him. Especially given the fact he is so confrontational and argumentative.

I just never saw this side to him before I fell in love with him. We have now bought a house together (when we found out we were expecting our first baby together) away from the city I grew up in, and my children adore him, despite him being very strict with them. I still adore him, despite all the above. which makes me wonder if it really is abuse. How can I be so in love with someone abusive and crave their affection so much?

Could this be abuse do you think? Or am I just very sensitive and need to pull myself together? Am I reading too much into things?

You started the thread suggesting that your bf might be abusive.

Grief can become a MH issue.

I have experienced 5 early pregnancy losses and have MH issues btw.

Your beliefs on early pregnancy loss being equivalent to losing a child seen extreme and are likely to offend people who have lost DC late on in pregnancy, as a baby or during childhood.

It wasn't a child or a ' little person' . It was a miscarriage of a fetus the size of a grape with no discernable gender. It wasn't a 'little person' in law, biology or fact.

It is painful. Many, many women go through it and many will often think 'what if it had become a little person'. You act as if there had been a little person, you assigned a gender, a name and a life that never happened and wanted everone else to consider a miscarriage as a little person that had been part of a family and should be considered a daughter, Grandaughter, niece and cousin and felt people were abusing you when they didn't go along with it.

You want to be considered a bereaved Mother when 99.9% of the world does not see you as such and struggle to understand why you think you are.

It is not a normal reaction and you have previously had threads deleted when women who have had early miscarriages tell you that your reaction is not normal and women who had late losses or lost living children tell you they find your attitude bewildering and offensive. And you request it is deleted as you feel attacked and that people don't understand. Even though it's women who have been through exactly what you did and women who have actually lost a child through stillbirth or after.

Your reaction is not normal and your insistence that it is means you will continue to have these threads and nothing changes because you don't want/can't see just how upsetting and disturbed your behaviour is.

Of course your DP doesn't want to try again. You have become unwell following early miscarriages and cannot move on. It would actually be abusive of him to try to conceive with someone who is so emotionally unstable.

Frazzle ignore these appallingly ignorant comments. There's nothing unusual whatsoever about your beliefs. Everyone grieves differently after a loss and there is no such thing as a right or wrong way. I find it disgusting that people are trying to reframe your experience of grief and minimise the suffering you are experiencing.

There are some people for whom grief is a competition and they want to position their loss as "bigger" or "worse" than yours based on various factors such as gestation/age, etc. It's not a competition nor do you have to prove to anyone the level of suffering in your experience of grief. Others who compare their losses and minimise yours are best ignored - it's not a contest.

Don't let anyone tell you that your feelings or beliefs around loss are wrong. Those feelings are what make us human. They are a part of you.

Appalled on your behalf.

At Denim - wow. Jaw droppingly stone cold, callous attitude towards someone who is clearly struggling with grief.

You don't get to define life and death in the way you have and to do so is breathtakingly arrogant, offensive and downright cruel.

You want to talk about what's unusual? Normal people don't go around destroying others and their realities. THAT is unusual. Maybe you should examine why you feel the need to completely undermine and dismiss a clearly vulnerable woman's feelings and reality.

You guys need to break up. You are both tortured. You are tortured by your grief, and he is 100% tortured by your grief too.

You don't even seem to like him, FFS.

And frankly OP I think your future threads should have a trigger warning attached, as time and again I've seen Mums who had stillbirths or lost babies after birth really shaken after stumbling into them.

No it's not a competition but it can seem breathtakingly un self-aware to compare a loss of a few weeks to the loss of an actual child who was born and died or even a late still birth and I completely understand why snowfairy had to hide the thread. That is where the sympathy for the OP starts to evaporate, I'm afraid.

Besides which, I think the OP is grieving the loss of the hope of any more children more than anything else. She seriously needs counselling, for her own sake, as this is not a normal reaction, despite what anyone says. Judging from her last thread, she's already alienated her DP's family and is at risk of doing the same to her DP. I don't think this situation is as black and white as the first post on this thread makes out.

No she has not alienated anyone. She is simply surrounded by too many family members who lack basic compassion and are behaving like arseholes while OP is going through a period of profound suffering.

You are also trying to define the right way to grieve and what constitutes a life and a "valid" loss and what deserves sympathy and that is just plain wrong, in every way.

The heavily pregnant SIL had to block OPs Facebook as it was upsetting her too much. That's the reality.

What about OP having to see the heavily pregnant SIL on fb?

"Imaginary" -?!

Sick beyond words.

I think she's referring to the OP referring to the foetus in the present tense (as being a cousin) on a family message chat about the SILs baby, leading to the FIL saying that no, it was not a cousin.

Your mental health will improve when you are not mentally battered and wounded by this person on a daily basis. Whose is the house, can you go elsewhere or get him to leave? He sounds just toxic. The Holby plot is brilliant; Isaac makes me nauseous.

Sorry wonderful have you rtt? I posted politely very early on as the Holby plot is an incredibly moving and accurate portayal of a domestic abuse relationship. This is nothing of the sort.

music thank you so much. You are amazing and I really appreciate your kind words and solidarity

If no one noticed, DP is now being wonderful again. It's like he has remembered how to support me and he has been utterly amazing. I think he just lost his way for a few months. I truly believe he won't be emotionally abusive any longer.

To all the others I'm just going to leave this hear. An article I read today which beautifully sums up babyloss at any gestation. I think you should have a read:
attachmentparenting.co.uk/navigating-trauma-losing-baby/

Also, I started a blog on Friday. Talking about my story and my experience. It is very raw and very open.
If you'd like to read it please feel free:
sapphireinhermind.com

Thanks again to all those who understand and haven't berated me for grieving my baby, my child.
I'd also like to add that I know several loss parents who have sadly lost babies at full term and think those "grief Olympic" posts are outrageous. They are horrified at your attitudes.

I will not be coming to Mumsnet for babyloss support again. The behaviour here is disgusting and damaging.
But, there will always be some people who want to bash other people and try to destroy them.
It is called bullying.

Well said frazzlerock hope the blogging helps you and glad your partner is supporting you now.