HELP - WHAT DO I DO NOW - HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK

[helpmeseethewoods]

As in today.

This is my most recent long thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2856567-What-would-you-assume-if-your-husband-wife-partner-hadnt-spoken-to-you-properly-since-October-and-before-that-hadnt-shown-you-any-affection-for-years

and this is yesterday's

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2862621-How-would-one-discover-a-secret-house-that-someone-owned

Have woken up this morning really panicking. I have been to see a solicitor who suggested my first step should be to suggest mediation to H. Then last night I overheard him say (on the phone - and he went into the other room to talk) that "it was only a studio flat so it was overvalued".

Am now paranoid that he is once again planning to buy property behind my back as he did 3 years ago (explained in long thread). I know for definite that he has had offers on a couple of properties (of course they might fall through) because my son (whom he tells instead of me) has told me.

So this feels like a repeat of 3 years ago. He would justify it by saying that I have mentioned separating recently. Which I have - and since October our relationship has completely broken down - but that's because for many years:

his short temper has meant that I often walk on eggshells

he has shown me little to no affection

and he has refused to co-own anything with me (including the family home), making all large financial decisions by himself - as if I am not there.

He also flies off the handle occasionally - I would say 3 or 4 times a year thought last year it was twice - shouts horrible things and then doesn't talk to me for weeks (until I send emails asking him to talk).

So the last time it happened in October, when he yelled ARE YOU STUPID at me in front of my dds, I am afraid that I too detached completely (no emails!) and communication - which was superficial in any case - has broken down. He even made a very weak attempt at getting things back on track but I didn't take it up - AM NOW PANICKING THAT I SHOULD HAVE.

I still think this doesn't give him the right to sell and possibly buy properties behind my back though, does it?

What I do now - as in today?

I feel I need to beat the clock because god knows what financial transaction he will have made. I feel quite vulnerable. Do I tell him that I know he is getting offers and that I suspect he will buy something?

I have so long wanted him to pay off the mortgage, but clearly my opinion has never counted. This was not a partnership in that sense. He has never treated me as his equal in terms of finances or large decisions.

HELP. I FEEL SO REJECTED AS WELL .

My plan was to offer mediation or one last attempt at trying to make things work if he makes several changes. I will still do this but the changes will be too big for him to make IMO, and he probably won't want to. Probably impossible for him to change fundamental things like his proneness to bad temper (he also has a nicer side), secrecy or lack of communication, and his need to be in control of certain things. It would involve going to counselling which he won't want. We tried that about 4 years ago but he stopped coming after about 4 or 5 sessions.

Do you have access to any bank accounts or statements? I think you need to gather as much evidence as possible of his finances. Then even if he does buy a house or flat that will be considered part of the assets to be divided when you divorce. I would get back onto your solicitor and get divorce papaers served on him asap.

Should add that since October he has also called me an "incompetent bum" for in his opinion not properly dealing with a health issue of dd1's, and told me to confide in my "shitbags" (presumably this is my family or my friends ).

No I don't have access to accounts but there may be some statements lying around. It won't be everything though.

Thanks for your reassurance. It's not that easy to hide a whole property is it? What if he were to put it in someone else's name? Or if it's abroad?

Paranoid and panicking basically. There might not even be another potential property but I have been through this before so I am wary.

It sounds like you have probably reached the point of no return. I don't think you think that this can work.

If this is the case then I think it's important to take action. It's good to have what can you find re finances to hand. Don't delay. However you do it I think you need to move forward with talking with him about splitting up and engage a solicitor.

It is very difficult. It is distressing. In the end though I think it will be better once you start the process. If he's going to hide things then he will. You can't stop him doing it. All I think you can do is to take action and then pick through how to deal with it step by step with a solicitor. Once the solicitor is engaged and acting for you they will advise you and this will also make it a bit less stressful.

Surely the properties are not the biggest issue at the moment. The biggest issue is that your h has not communicated with you for 4 months, called you awful things and allowed your dc to be caught in the cross fire. Solicitors will sort out the financial side of things.

What do you want to do? Do you want to stay together? Do you want to separate? For me I could not live with a man who treated me with such disdain.

I would get snooping big time. But I would also be very sure that I wanted a divorce.

I would be trying to put keystroke logging spyware on any computer he uses. I would be looking for paperwork. If I knew what solicitor he was using I would ring up their reception and say that you're Mrs whoever and want to talk to the solicitor dealing with the house purchase.....making out I knew about it. See if they let anything slip.

However if you're not sure you want a divorce and he finds out you've done this it may breakdown your relationship further, though to be honest it doesn't sound like you have anything to lose.

If he does buy a house in the U.K. In his name I'd have thought the courts would be able to order a land registry search to see what he owns. Is there anyone he trusts enough that he may have put it in their name? That's a big gamble to take that someone may just keep the property for themselves and say it was a gift.

Thanks for your messages:

Surely the properties are not the biggest issue at the moment. The biggest issue is that your h has not communicated with you for 4 months, called you awful things and allowed your dc to be caught in the cross fire. Solicitors will sort out the financial side of things.

This would be a relief. To stop worrying about all the property business.

Ditto this:

If he's going to hide things then he will. You can't stop him doing it. All I think you can do is to take action and then pick through how to deal with it step by step with a solicitor.

What do you want to do?

In a fool's paradise I would want him to change. But for some reason I am unable to have this conversation with him. Why? Over the years I have told him all the things which are my "red lines" but I suppose there wouldn't be any harm in laying it all on the line one last time. It would be such a massive re-learning process though. And I am pretty sure he wouldn't be up for that.

I am lost basically. Kind of obsessed with the thought that if I tried I could make it better I suppose.

Thanks for all your thoughts.

You need to realise that whatever you do he is not going to change - only you can change things and that is by standing up for yourself and getting out.
At the end of the day your sanity is worth much more than possible assets

I walked away from my marriage with absolutely nothing apart from thousands and thousands of pounds of debts. - it was more than worth it

At the end of the day your sanity is worth much more than possible assets

I agree. I can feel that truth somewhere not far away, but can't quite access it fully.

It's not that I want loads of stuff, I don't want to be done over.

Why do you want to be with an abusive bully? You cannot manage or control him - and mediate with an abuser? No thanks. Get a good solicitor and get away from this awful man. /don't you deserve better than that?

The solicitor said mediation should be the first step so as to be non confrontational. And that it would pretty soon become clear whether or not it would work. I think he won't go personally so then I will have to do whatever is next.

How would he react if you told him you'd seen a solicitor about a divorce and that they suggested mediation as a last attempt before starting proceedings?
If poss, I'd gather together as much paperwork, evidence etc before you let him know your plans.
Your first priority is yours and your DC's welllbeing. as a pp said, let the solicitors deal with the finances (although any evidence you can get first will help speed thus up).
You deserve happiness and respect.

I would not even entertain the idea of mediation with an abuser like your current H. Your H would simply use mediation as a further stick to beat you with and you will feel far worse as a result. What you really need is a Solicitor who is well versed in the ways of manipulative men.

To use mediation is to subscribe to the mistaken idea that abuse is related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication. If discussion and compromise, the mainstay of mediation, could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. Mediation assumes both parties will cooperate to make agreements work; the victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

Mediation can be and is ordered by judges/courts, as can counselling and mental health evaluations. They are tools in the abuser's arsenal to be used against the victim as often as he chooses. In order for mediation to work and to not make situations worse the parties involved must have equal power and must share some common vision of resolution. This is clearly not present when domestic violence has taken place in a relationship.

Mediation practitioners must be alert to the need to interview partners separately with specially designed questions in order to determine if abuse is or has been present. Many domestic violence professionals can train others to screen safely for domestic violence. To not do so risks unsuccessful mediations, at best, and increasing the victim's danger by colluding with the abuser, at worst.

A person who has been terrorized by an abuser is not free to participate in a mediation process with him, even if the mediator(s) assume or believe that they "understand". Being truthful about any of her needs or experiences in the abuser's presence or proximity practically ensures that she is in more danger later.

The mediator is left with a no win: either the victim's danger is increased, or she is not fully or truthfully participating, or both. The well meaning mediator may actually encourage the victim to feel safe enough to share information that could seriously compromise her safety. In any case the whole intent of mediation is lost.

To engage an abuser and a victim in a process that implies equal responsibility is damaging to both. The victim is once again made to feel responsible for the abuser's behavior, and the abuser is allowed to continue to not accept full responsibility for his behaviour choices.

Mediation would be a way in, nothing more. I don't have to agree to anything that happens there. Or it might go better than that. I think pretty quickly it would progress to doing it through solicitors if it didn't work.

Since this whole process is bound to be traumatic, best to start off non confrontationally. I will be set up to expect ranting, raving etc... It will hurt less (emotionally) than it would have a year ago, because I have already detached a lot.

But I will raise the concerns with the solicitor. I think the stumbling block will be the declaration of finances. I will say that he will be emotionally manipulative and difficult.

I like the solicitor because she is down to earth, no nonsense and plain speaking. I don't need a shark, I need someone who will quietly have my back while making it plain to H what is fair and what isn't. In the end that will help him too.

If in the end it is not enough - I will change solicitor (is it possible to do that half way through?). She made me feel positive and hopeful though. She gave me language to use to express all of this, put it into context and gave me the first step. She also told me that it would be difficult but then it would be okay. I felt better than I have for a long time.

TBH I don't think he will go to mediation.

What a nightmare. Who would have thought it. I am not cut out for this, but I guess I am going to have to go through it.

I could be wrong (as in my case we did not have mediation) but wouldn't you have to start proceedings and exchange form e's prior to mediation? If this is the case then it will take a while to get to that point.

helpmeseethewoods, I'm sorry you are going through this :(

I think from the sound of things you already know what the outcome will be without anyone's advice

Look after yourself now, accept it and try counselling on your own maybe to deal with your loss? Although as it stands it sounds you'd be better without him

I don't see mediation working but maybe that's just me, both parties have to want things to change and it doesn't sound like he does

I hope things work out for you x