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What would you assume if your husband / wife / partner hadn't spoken to you properly since October, and before that hadn't shown you any affection for years?(51 Posts)
In the past arguments have lead to long silences. We're talking weeks. In the past I would have got us out of this by sending emails asking him to start talking.
Last year though there were two instances in which H had one of his rages and then stopped talking to me, but both these times, I was so sure that I had done nothing wrong, that it made me see his behaviour in a different light. So after the first argument (during which H became extremely rude and angry because I mistakenly overpaid someone he owed money to (who came to the house while H wasn't there) by £20 - essentially the man tricked me) I let H not talk and not talk, without sending him my usual email, and H eventually snapped out of it (weeks later).
The second silence, beginning in October, was due to H bellowing ARE YOU STUPID (amongst other sarcastic/nasty statements) at me, in front of our dds (), because I had dared to say that he should make ds more food (H had been asking me what ds had eaten, and telling me that he probably wanted cooked food, after I had been trying to tell him that ds had already made himself a sandwhich, and I had made him some pasta).
There is a long history of these kinds of verbal rages, which probably happen every 6 weeks to 3 months. They are then followed by silences.
When you add this to the fact that he never touches me or shows me any affection, does not ask me anything about me (this is part of his family culture though), does not want to discuss the future, and that I can't talk to him about the things I want/need to - it's clear that we should get divorced isn't it? He has also for many years refused to put the family home in both our names, which is a big bone of contention, or was, as I no longer talk about it. So I do not feel secure about the future. A couple of years ago he hid a retail property that he had bought, and lied about it when I first found out , so I am sure he could do this again - and in fact he has been telling ds that a couple of the properties that he owns (this is part of what he does, develop property) have had offers made on them. I was in the room but he directed all of this to ds, as we are not talking at all. So now, in addition to everything else, I am worried about what he is going to do if and when these properties actually sell.
My problem is that I now feel co-responsible for the current silence between us. After his "ARE YOU STUPID" outburst in October, I knew as clearly as possible, that I have had enough. So I have gone about detaching. Which means that I haven't at any stage tried to end the silence, and you could argue that I am now part of it.
We went to watch our daughter in a production and the entire way there and at the theatre, he said nothing. I made a little conversation (very little) on the train, but he basically answered my questions and that's it. While we were at the theatre I said a couple of things about our dds to him and he smiled. Otherwise it was like being next to a stranger. Except that I still feel that physical pull towards him.
So I have to get divorced from someone that I still fancy, and I still feel attached to (inevitable I suppose, after 21 years), who I know will make any divorce very difficult, and will have one massive temper tantrum when he receives any petition .
The whole household will be thrown into disarray. The dc might blame me. They might decide to live with him - and this fills me with fear. But I really don't want them growing up with this awful example of non-communication being their blueprint.
The odd part about all of this is that I feel H might be receptive if I were to try to communicate with him - but do I really want to go back to the status quo, because I don't think he is going to change, and I am always going to feel unloved and insecure?
It would really help if I could instigate a divorce from somewhere else, but I know that moving out of the family home sets a precedent of being able to financially afford somewhere else (which I couldn't, my Dad would help me rent somewhere for a little while while the divorce was being sorted) so it's not a good idea.
So I am going to have my own devastation and sorrow, as well as H's verbal abuse alone .
It all feels crap and I don't know what to do or how to do it.
I have contacted a solicitor I had previously been to see and hopefully she will be able to meet me so that I can ask her all the questions I have. That still isn't going to help me find the courage to fill in this awful petition and somehow give it to H though. I can't believe that I would take a bomb to my dcs' stability and mine . It's all shit, every way I look at it, and I truly feel that I am between a rock and a hard place .
I am going to have to handle my own devastation...
OP, do it, do it, do it.
Been nearly 3 years for me and I've never looked back.
Yes. Leave him. You'll look back and breathe a sigh of relief.
So you've not spoken to each other since October? It's not as though one has tried and the other rebuffed but in fact you've both been ignoring each other? That's incredible!
Surely it has to be worth trying to talk? If he doesn't reply then really you have no option but to look to divorce.
Never been married so don't know how much weight my opinion has, but for the love of God and for the love of love itself, leave this man. OP you , and he , deserve to be in loving and respecting relationships. Your kids deserve to witness that. You deserve to be happy. The first step is always the hardest. Sending you well wishes !
He's waiting for you to leave him, or kick him out. Either way you have to get rid, because apart from the fact that it's a horrible, soul destroying, way to live, it sets an awful precedent for your kids.
You may be scared of his tantrums, but even scarier must be the prospect of this situation continuing for years. He is abusing you financially as well as emotionally. Not putting the family home in both your names? Keeping his property dealings a secret from you, his wife? Is he for real??
You have your dad on side to help. That's a good start.
How old are your DCs?
He sounds awful. This is about control and manipulation. He's a bully.
I know you don't want to move but once the divorce starts he may become even more unpleasant to you and in front of the kids.
See what the solicitor says.
Definitely start divorce proceedings, but before you do can you find out any details of his properties and any other savings, investments, pensions etc? Sounds like he will try to hide stuff if he can but I would imagine the courts would come down on him very heavily if this came to light.
Don't know much about divorce proceedings but you are definitely entitled to your share of marital assets.
ALL marital assets, including the stuff he has hidden!
It sounds a very lonely time for you OP, Hugs. Maybe you can talk with a friend or a counselling service to "hear yourself think about what you would like to do for your next step. If you have been together all those years, isnt your matrimonial property having to be shared anyway, but it might be a good idea to tuck away a few $$ as you get them for your own plans (not having to be reliant on your DH being dishonest in the short term about assets/cash being accessed).
Me & my DH often dont talk either & I just cannot be bothered anymore trying to make it better. I wish he took an interest in my day, or my Mum (shes very unwell) - sadly, when he wants stuff my DH can be as nice as pie then revert straight after (like $$ trsfrd b/w his a/cs, or something picked up in town) Right now here I am on the comp & hes watching some horrible TV cowboy show, (all the time mind you ) & even if I was to walk into the lounge & ask him if he would like supper or a drink, he wont talk - other than grunt & tell me to move. Not my plan of a happy retirement - but its getting the guts to leave. So hope you find some answers soon OP
"....it's clear we should set divorced, isn't it?"
Well your husband is abusive. Definitely emotional abuse (silent treatment, verbal abuse) and probably financially abusive as well.
Some reading for you:
Signs of emotional abuse
The Abuser Profiles - from "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft
And some advice:
- Call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to give you expert advice and point you in the direction of support.
- Talk to someone in real life, do you have a close friend or family member who would be supportive?
- Find out what you would be entitled to if you separated/divorced; visit/contact Citizens Advice and get legal advice - you could start by calling the free Rights of Women family law helpline.
Whatever you do, don't go to couple's counselling, as it's not recommend when there is abuse. Individually counselling for yourself would probably be helpful though.
It seems obvious to me that you would be much happier without him, and I very much hope you leave. You just need to reach out for support to do so. Good luck!
You've posted about this dude before haven't you?
It seems to me you just need to know how to leave. What steps to take. I know it's scary but any things got to be better than being ignored for months.
what a nasty horrible man, hideous. It's sad you feel responsible for managing his moods.
How wonderful it will be to be free of him!
Make sure you have all your papers, accounts (copies of accounts) and documentation about his/your properties and some money to tide you over (in an account he cannot touch)
Calmly plan how you are going to exit this.
How old are the children? Have you looked after them, or DH or both? This will be taken into account when it's decided where they will live (and with whom), it's not something the judge (and kids) get to decide on a whim or which parent has given them more pocket money that week.
Get your paperwork and money in order, where he can't get it.
Take back the power!
You've posted about him for several years now, if I've got the right person. There is no future with him, none at all, don't drag it out any longer, he's financially and emotionally abusive, so yes, speak to women's aid for advice
I would start collating paperwork and getting legal advice (without his knowledge).
Have you got money to be able to up and go quickly?
I may be wrong but just because the properties aren't in joint names it doesn't mean you can't make a claim being his wife.
Start getting your ducks in a row.
Good luck to you.
Sorry, you haven't spoken to your husband, that you live with, and who is a complete arse, for the last 5 months and you are wondering if, if, it might be an idea to consider divorce?
Yes. It would.
"I may be wrong but just because the properties aren't in joint names it doesn't mean you can't make a claim being his wife."
You're not wrong. But it's crucial that the OP registers her home rights with the Land Registry.
More info at www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/if-you-re-married-or-in-a-civil-partnership-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/if-you-re-married-or-in-a-civil-partnership-and-you-own-your-home-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-rights-to-stay-if-your-spouse-or-civil-partner-owns-the-home/
NB That's regarding the family home, not the other properties he owns - but they will be taken into consideration as marital assets when it comes to the financial settlement.
Oh OP, how awful. Please divorce him and find yourself some happiness. It will be hard, yes, but worth it in the long run.
I remember you, op
Nothing at all has changed. You will continue to live this half life until you take control, I am afraid
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