Help me fish and find the truth!

[Bones17]

Right, one for all you sleuth investigators out there. Help me!

I need to know if my husband leaving me 11 weeks ago was because he'd met someone. I had a gut feeling since august (not sure if anyone remembers me posting).
Secretive with phone
Impotence
Staying at work late (bank statements show pub transactions)
Emotional distance
Secretive with internet history
Lost appetite
Snappy with me and the kids
Porn use (even on date nights without kids)
Emotional abuse - made me feel like a spare part and unappreciated
Stopped wearing wedding ring
There's probably more but I can't think of it.

He's changed since he left us early December. Personality transplant. But lately he's trying to be nice but with a distance still. Doesn't want solicitors involved. Wants me to keep the house but won't or doesn't want to help with mortgage. Willing to sign equity waiver.

How can I find out if he's been seeing someone? I've a feeling he's changed all his passwords. Emails and social media. There's got to be a way. Then I'll move on.
Help. X

The bank statements showed a lot. Payday loans everywhere. Money being moved to a TSB account in his name. He'd borrowed money from his mum without me knowing. X

Oh blimey - divorce this financially inept man ASAP, before he drags you down with him.

Just spoke with a lovely solicitor over the phone. She said I may be able to get legal aid if I can prove financial and emotional abuse. She's sending me a letter to get my GP to sign to help my claim. If I get legal aid, will divorce be cheaper? X

Bones where did the money that was in the joint account come from in the first place?

Yes, much much cheaper.
I'm glad you got straight through to a good one.
And you are tackling this right now so well done!

Filma, my money paid all the bills and we would generally live off his wages. X

I think legal aid give you a sum 'ceiling' amount - so not an indefinite sum

You can use this however you chose to fight the claim

Get moving - he'll be surprised that the 'little woman' has the audacity to divorce him!

Get digging for information on bills etc -

What kind of ceiling sum amount? Is it set or circumstantial? X

Check out www.wikidivorce.com there's a forum and free advice.

Sorry wrong link, it's this one: www.wikivorce.com

I only ask Bones from the moral point of view of should he have been transferring it to his own account (obviously no argument legally with a joint account) X

His wages went into the joint account. It's this account that he was removing money from x

I've just dropped my youngest off at his mums and She got upset again wanting to stay with me. Cutting a long story short his mum said she's also at such a loss with Dh at the minute. She says he's not in his flat yet and that he seems to come in from work and then sit upstairs on his computer. She said he's never stayed out overnight. She's worried about him coping in the flat. She said she'd tell me if she knew anything and that she loves me very much. I said the not knowing is worse than anything. I said if only I had a reason then I could move on. Debt, depression or even a one night stand I said we could've sorted and I'd have been willing to in the beginning. But now that so much damage has been done I couldn't.

My mum has said that if he's not in his flat yet then where is all his wages going (he brings in £2.5k a month) this month that he has to reduce what he agreed to give? Maybe it is debt that I don't know about and not another woman. But I have no clue and he's not giving me the chance to decide

Bones, get legal representation ASAP and do not sign anything he wants you to as it will be to benefit him not you I'm sure. I'd treat anything he says as bollocks for now.
Understand you just want truth to move on but in a way you have the truth you need. After all those years, dc's and memories together this is how he treated you. Fucking contemptible behaviour.
And you are not ugly or worthless or unloved. I bet you're awesome in myriad ways. You don't need him or his truth to move on or be happy again. Be someone who makes you happy

The credit card is in my name but we've both built up a £8k debt. CAB have already told me that unfortunately that's on me. And I've a feeling he has debts I don't know about too x

This isn't true. My ExH ran up credit card debts and loans all entirely in his name. It's a marital debt so I got screwed for half of it during our divorce. Unless there has been a massive change in the law in the last 6 years I'd ask a solicitor about this.

Oh Bones, I feel for you and understand why your brain is in overdrive. Its natural to try and make sense but you can't as you are not him so will never get answers.

I recall a thread here a short while ago, woman convinced H was depressed after bereavement so left the family.She posted a long time after to say it was OW.

I think you should assume OW or at the minimum he has emotional left the marriage for good.He will have his 'reasons' I.e why you are to blame, but you won't agree with them as he will not take any responsibility.

Had he wanted to make it work he would.This is the hard part of grieving, trying to accept what is happening.

Honestly, he sounds absolutely horrible from your original post, the porn use on "date nights" FFS. I wouldn't even bother giving him more headspace.

Instead, focus on your better future without him. Get the legal advice you need.

I know its hard as you put your faith in him (not yourself?). But my goodness you are so young! You have so much to look forward t.!

I just don't want to lose him for no reason. And if he's not met anyone else, I'd like to think there's a chance. Maybe I'm still deluded. Maybe. But at the moment, I'm still struggling to see the woods for the trees. It's only been 11 weeks. And I love him and I'm still in shock. I'm reading Vikki Stark's books to try to get sane. But honestly girls, this is not the man I love. And I have a complete inability to understand what's happening to mine and my kids lives. X