Help me fish and find the truth!

[Bones17]

Right, one for all you sleuth investigators out there. Help me!

I need to know if my husband leaving me 11 weeks ago was because he'd met someone. I had a gut feeling since august (not sure if anyone remembers me posting).
Secretive with phone
Impotence
Staying at work late (bank statements show pub transactions)
Emotional distance
Secretive with internet history
Lost appetite
Snappy with me and the kids
Porn use (even on date nights without kids)
Emotional abuse - made me feel like a spare part and unappreciated
Stopped wearing wedding ring
There's probably more but I can't think of it.

He's changed since he left us early December. Personality transplant. But lately he's trying to be nice but with a distance still. Doesn't want solicitors involved. Wants me to keep the house but won't or doesn't want to help with mortgage. Willing to sign equity waiver.

How can I find out if he's been seeing someone? I've a feeling he's changed all his passwords. Emails and social media. There's got to be a way. Then I'll move on.
Help. X

If you can work out the password to his emails then you can reset his password for most other things. I'm with ya sister.

But really I wouldn't do it because once you start it becomes an obsession. Just let him go. His loss at the end of the day.

You are not worthless - he is the worthless one. Get a solicitor and get that equity waiver while he may still be feeling guilty. So many men don't want to involve solicitors but later when they feel more detached from their family they suddenly are not so keen to split assets fairly (and have lots of money demands from OW and setting up new home). Make sure you get good advice and representation.

It usually takes a few months and then lo and behold the husband has met a new woman and it's all moving really fast! A mate usually lets slip it has been going on for quite some time. Sometimes the quarry bails out and doesn't want the guy once he is "free" and in those cases he often starts making noises to reconcile.

How will knowing help you? Here's how I see it..

1. he isn't seeing anyone
   Oh, he thinks I'm so awful he would rather be on his own, what a bastard

2. he left you for another woman
   gawd, what a bastard I hate him and I hate the OW

There can be no reconciliation at this point. I owe it to my girls to show strength because I'll tell them one day what he did to me. X

If you can work out the password to his emails then you can reset his password for most other things

Please dont do this its illegal

Sorry u are going through this bones I suspect ow but I would try not to focus on that as it will drive u crazy and if u found out u may direct all your anger at her instead of your dh digging up the dirt on him will hurt you more trust me I've snooped a lot. Get a solicitor no matter he wants the truth will come out in the end

I would also want to know.
But really look at your list-you know already.
The most important thing for you to do now is to lawyer up. Because him 'not wanting a solicitor involved' tells me that you should involve a solicitor at the earliest possible opportunity.I nearly didn't.And it nearly cost me badly. You may not feel in a place to think about financial now-but force yourself to,because that's what will stand you and your girls in the best stead later on.
Im sorry this has happened to you.

Of course you are frantic to know. Your poor old brain cannot quite make sense of what is happening and you are in shock and grieving. Be your own best friend. Just try to get through each day with baby steps- look to yourself and your DC and get that solicitor advice. The frantic need to know will subside (you may never know the full story) in time.

It's making me angry now because he had the audacity to actually accuse me of cheating when he left me. He then back tracked saying he was 95% sure I hadn't. In my tragic condition in the beginning he did ask me what I'd do if HE had cheated and of course I told him he'd be gone. So I think he was trying to quiz me so he'd know if he'd be forgiven or not. It's just awful.
He's left me with debts, the house, the kids to bring up on my own. So naturally I want to know why I'm in this position x

Your last post with what he said and how he projected his cheating is probably all the proof you need.

I was lucky recently. I had his passcode to his ipad and phone (not that I got to see his phone often as he was very secretive with it).
He's not very tech savvy so I managed to find out for sure what a cheating slimeball he really is.
I have the proof I need when he keeps denying it to people.
He may not have put his dick her but it was very close and the messages were all I needed to see.
Even yesterday he's sitting in front of me bareface lying that he hardly ever messages OW. And we aren't even together anymore!
He just can't help the lying.
Yet I can see with my own eyes that he is.
No I don't have access to ipad anymore but I have my ways of knowing.
They've been whatsapp-ing all morning!
But it's not helping me knowing all this.
It's actually just making things worse for me.
I'm trying not to fixate but I can't help it.

So I understand where you are coming from.
You want to know for sure!
But you already know for sure.
Just look at your posts. It's obvious.
So as PPs have said. Lawyer up.
If he's left you with debts and a mortgage to pay then you need legal advice and you need it fast.
How much debt has left you with?
Is it in both of your names or just yours?
If his name is on the mortgage he legally has to keep paying it.
Seriously, he's not your friend. This will NOT be amicable.
You need to look out for yourself now so get thee to a lawyer.

The credit card is in my name but we've both built up a £8k debt. CAB have already told me that unfortunately that's on me. And I've a feeling he has debts I don't know about too x

I'm so so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. But I think you know the truth. There is a huge likelihood there was someone else, but even if there wasn't he emotionally checked out last summer.

Be glad that he's gone and you don't have to choose whether to live a half-life with him. Be glad the decision is made and you don't need to decide whether you can rebuild trust in him.

Closure is yours and yours alone, confirming he had affair would just open a thousand new questions: who, why, when, how long, did he love her, when did he stop loving you...? These are not questions you need to face, you and you alone can choose to move on, by yourself and for yourself, and more than that, for the kids.

I know it's hard, and again, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

How do people pay for a solicitor? Is it payment month to month or upfront? X

I think I may have to sell my house. 😢

If you are in England get on google and see if you have local solicitors who offer a free half hour.
See as many of them as you can.
Unfortunately, yes you may have to sell the house.
Is there a lot of equity in it?
How big is your mortgage?
Would you be able to get a smaller mortgage with the equity?
What does his pension look like?
Do you know what he earns?
Is he paying your maintenance for the DC?
Lots of things to think about.
Well done for getting CAB advice.

He tells me he opted out of his pension. He earns a lot more than me. £50k a year to my £22k a year. We have about £35k equity I think and I know the house would sell quickly. He's already said I can have the equity. X

naturally I want to know why I'm in this position

I'm afraid you're in this position because your ex is a wanker. That's the long and the short of it. It's hard to believe that when you've loved each other and shared so much. But that's the reason.

It's so so tough. I wish I could magic you forward so you can know you will be ok. Better than ok. I know you don't believe that now.

I just can't believe it's come to this. I'm still in shock I think. But nearing a stage of sad acceptance

That's bollox.
I opted out of my pension for a while.
It was a good thing to do at the time.
The money went elsewhere for a better return that's all that happened.
Pensions are law now.
You can't opt out of all of it.
His company will HAVE to pay towards his pension.
You cannot get out of it.
And even if he could, he will have a pension from before he opted out.
Seriously, he's lying. Don't believe a word he says right now.

I need to divorce him asap don't I? X

Absolutely yes.
It sounds like he's ready to screw you over.
Some solicitors will take payment after settlement and take it from the settlement. Others will want payment each month for the work they do.
It really does add up though.

Do you have joint accounts?
If so, check them and make sure he isn't taking money from them.
Can you access his personal account if he has one?
Do you have any savings?

You will need your marriage cert for your divorce so find that.

I'm afraid he already talked me into getting off the joint account so that's been done. But I did get 12 months of statements sent to me before he did that. X

I second hellsbells about the pension. It's usually the biggest marital asset after the house. In fact if he's saying you can keep the modest equity in your house (which won't be much after you offset the debts) then I'd bet his pension on his salary of 50k is worth quite a bit more than he's letting on hence him not wanting you to get legal advice. Remember he's no longer on your side, just because he says something it doesn't mean you havd to accept it as true.

Women's Aid will have a list of things you can do / make copies of to ensure you're not too financially stuffed.
Get organised - even before I took any paperwork I (secretly) went through our paperwork files and wrote down EVERY account number, his NI number, phone numbers for his pension company, DC bank accounts, house insurance references, utilities and EVERYTHING. It came in super useful about 6 months down the line when we were divorcing and he started dragging his feet.
From a personal viewpoint - the child benefit wasn't in my name, and I've had some problems with this so I wish I'd had the opportunity to change it before I left.
For things like utilities - add yourself as a name in there if you're not already as if he leaves and you want to phone to discuss the account you can't.
As a way of squirrelling a little money away for yourself, open a totally new savings account with a totally new bank. Withdraw any funds from joint account which are yours and put in here. You can also get cash back regularly when shopping and save it. I also rung the utilities to see if there was any money owed to me, as this can really build up. They might send you a cheque which you can keep too. And register for Childcare Vouchers before the end of the month - this is 'free' money top ups too - you might need it.
Good luck - we're all here for you with the emotional stuff as well as the practical!
Oh, one more - if your DC passports are going to run out this year renew them now - the cost can come from your joint pot!