Can't sleep.. I think DH has a second phone

[OhMyNameChange]

Name changed. I've posted how I'm struggling to move on from DH.

Quick background - been together nearly 10 years, 2 children (2&5). Last September he told me he didn't love me anymore - did the whole script. Moved back to his moms. After searching through his phone bills etc I found out he was having an emotional affair with someone from work. I begged him to come back, he came back in December with Xmas approaching saying he wanted to try give it another go. I then found out he had been out with OW behind my back. I confronted him & he told me he thinks he loves her, but insisted she isn't interested in him like that but can't help how he feels. I was/am heartbroken. So a few weeks later I STILL let him live back with me because I desperately wanted it to work (I know, someone give me a shake). He is still being off saying he doesn't know if he loves me & feels trapped. He no longer has whatsapp, snap chat or FB. He still works at the same place but claims they haven't spoken since I text her asking what she was doing going out with a married man etc (she told me there was nothing between her n my DH🙄).

So what makes me now think another phone?

1. When he gets in his car for work he seems to be sitting on th drive doing something in his car for 1-3 mins instead of just driving straight off

1. I got in his car the other day and his old phone charger (from when his phone broke) was in the passenger door pocket. I said to him "why is this here?" And he said "it's my old phone charger I found it when I was clearing out my car the other day".

1. His phone went flat yesterday & he never bothered to charge it all day

1. He usually leaves his phone on charge at night. He's stopped doing this. I've noticed his charger in his coat pocket so I had a look.. And the wire plugged in to the charger doesn't look like his HTC charger wire but I'm not 100%. The wire says "Belkin" yet he has a HTC?

I need to get in his car some how and see if that "old phone charger" has moved from the passenger door. I'm going crazy but something isn't sitting right with me. I hope I am right so it explains his horrible behaviour.

Who gives a fuck about his happy ever after.

What about you? Are YOU happy living like this?

Please pack his shit and get him to go. Today.

No conversation, no interaction, just pull the plug and keep it pulled.

He's still cheating on you. He never stopped.

You don't know what his ever after will be. You can't be suggesting you keep him there as some form of punishment so he doesn't get a better ever after than you?

If he doesn't love you any more, and I'm sorry I'm sure that hurts, its time to let go. It doesn't matter about anything else if the relationship is over.

Please find some pride and tell him to go

Never make someone your priority for whom you are second best

You are presented with a choice, leave or remain. If you choose to stay in this situation you will be presented with the same challenges, same situations, same storms, until you learn from them, until you love yourself enough to say "no more" Yes it will hurt, allow yourself to grief but understand that your pain is making way for something better. You deserve to be loved completely.

Re your question about the 'happy ever after'. At the moment he is calling the shots, he has all the power, you are desperate to cling on to him. If you end it you are then calling your own shots, you get back some self-respect, you start to have a life again. Yes it's hard, but this is no life that you're living now.

I know you're all right. It's like I have some kind of addiction to him and I'm scared of being on my own. Then the thought of him with OW kills me. I sound so stupid but this is how I feel. I some how manage to pay my mortgage, go to work, go to uni (well actually I've stopped going on since this started, so I'm the pathway to failing), and try and bring up my sons. He is vile. I deep down believe he would like to give it a shot with her but she probably doesn't want to yet. He tells me one min he is looking for a new job then never follows its through.

Believe me, you will always be unhappy living with a man you can't trust.

I think the only way to keep your self-respect now is to end it with him. Tell him you won't be second best and that you want him to leave. You don't care who he lives with - just say best of luck, be happy, but go.

He will have far more respect for you if you do that. Seriously. He will look at you with new eyes. You have to mean it, though. Your life will always be awful if you're wondering if he wishes he was with the other woman and wondering whether they're in contact etc. From so many experiences on here I would say it's very likely he's still in touch with her, I'm afraid.

Well he works with her. He probably still speaks to her at work. He works day shifts and morning shifts. when he is on a day shift she doesn't start till 2 in the afternoon and he finishes at half 4.. But conviniently works over till half 5. Maybe he is just doing over time but I feel like he probably stays that hour extra to try bump into her. My heart is broken. I deserve better. How do women get the strength to kick them out?

You kick them out when you realise you deserve better, that it can never be alright between you again and because you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror

What happened Gold? Did you manage to make it work? My relationship is dead and burried

OP, I am in such a similar situation, albeit about ten months on.

He is here, after returning, lots of similar sentiments. I think in some ways he stays to punish me, as he was very angry that the dcs didn't want to see him when he left and he blamed me.

I was very weak and just wanted him to stay when it all kicked of. I had been worn down by his nastiness, distance and suspicion, hotly denied, before it was all confirmed. So I went, humiliatingly, to pieces.

Now I just wish I'd ended it there and then, when it was all awful and he was away on and off anyway. It seems so much more difficult now to rock the boat.

Feel for you

Mine still works with her too, she's his secretary 😏

Did You go through the entire car? Door pockets, boots, boot floor where the spare will is?

You see, I'd like to stop being on threads like this too. Are you really over it, Gold??

OP,

You'll gain more respect (even from him) by standing firm and not being treated like this. its a bad state of affairs, when your husband staying with you, is based on another woman not being interested in him.

And as far as the DC, if you split, then he should have them half the time. Let him see the challenges of looking after Young DC and the reality of it.

I'm sure your mind isn't in a great place to study, so I suggest you go and speak to someone at Uni, your personal tutor and let them know you're facing serious relationship issues and you need to look into your options.

At the end of the day,my ou having qualifications behind you are very important, because you be financially independent.

At present you're delaying the inevitable. Consider writing him a letter, because I know it'll be diffivuktbtonssybwothoyt getting emotional. You can tell him in the letter that you love him, but that you don't want him, if he doesn't love you anymore and would be happier with someone else.

Mention your desire to co parent well and spend equal time with the DC. I know someone who did this after discovering her DH with the same OW about 10 times. She loved him, but she couldn't take it anymore.

She said after writing the letter a weight was lifted off her mind. She stopped snooping and checking emails, she felt liberated.

A few words that might assist you.

He didn't end his affair. 9 more DDays along the way, I was then forced to make the other decision to end the marriage.

I was finally ready to do it when I realised several things...

I had given him more than enough chances and he was just abusing them.

I no longer wanted a man capable of doing the things he was doing. I had no respect left for him at all.

I had been fooled into thinking he was choosing me because he still lived at home.

I wasn't willing to sacrifice my own self ... I knew I had become a shell of myself

I can honestly say I have not regretted that decision for one minute.

Obviously it hurts me when our separation affects our children. But I still do not regret making him leave.

I am the mother of his children, and yet he didn't seem to care what damage he was doing to me.

It took 2 years for this BW to kick him out.

Just checking in. He's still at mine and won't leave. He threatens to leave but doesn't. He says it's not worth him going because I will call him ?!! He hardly speaks to me. This is no relationship. I know deep down it's over but I keep clinging on. I'm still convinced there is another phone. I know that's not the point of this whole thing but it then explains to me why he is still being so cold. This morning he got up for work and I thought I would watch him out the window after he left - but by the time I looked it was too late - he had been in his boot for something but I don't know what ?! I couldn't see anything. There would have been no reason for him to go in his boot this morning as far as I'm concerned. My gut tells me I'm on to something but we will see..

re an earlier comment of yours:-

"It's like I have some kind of addiction to him and I'm scared of being on my own"

Is the above why you are clinging on?.

Yes you are addicted to him and you think you are not good enough. You are pretty much on your own now within your marriage. The fear of being on your own is often worse than the reality.

Stop stressing over the charger and a second phone; these are irrelevances. He has told you by both word and deed that this is over and you're still doing the pick me dance which is going to make you feel far worse in the long run.

What is being modelled by the two of you to your children here; you want them to grow up thinking that yes this is how people behave within relationships?.

Such men often refuse to leave as well but no man is above the law here. Have you as yet sought legal advice re divorce proceedings?. Knowledge after all is power, take some power back here.

You really need to stop torturing yourself OP
This is no way to live

I am very much on my own in this "relationship" (can't even call it that). He's out more or less every night - from going to his moms to watch the football to going to play football with his friends. I am torturing myself you're right - because I check his bill and have looked at his phone and there is nothing on there at all - he doesn't have any messenger apps. What he has done to me is cruel. I have my first counselling session today and I'm taking AD's. I know I have an obsession and panic when I think I'm on my own. I'm doing everything with the kids he doesn't care

I just don't get how he can stop caring about us all. He says he wishes he was dead etc. He said he cares about the kids and would bother with them if I wasn't around ?! What type of comment is that

You are in your own already.