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Original poster

Impartial opinions wanted

65 replies

Sailingfreak · 22/02/2017 13:02

I would really appreciate some opinions on a situation I am in with my husband. So I am 46 and after twenty years together, over the past eighteen months we have been slowly moving towards a separation. He has declared that he is no longer 'in love' with me (although he does love me), the attraction has gone and we haven't had sex in almost a year. I have accepted all this - although I'm sad, and would be prepared to work on it, I can't do it alone. He is unwilling to try to make things work, won't do counselling or anything. He feels it's impossible to get that initial attraction back. And I know he is keen to have other relationships.
So the issue is that we have two lovely DSs in their teens. They are going to be completely devastated by the news that we're separating. To avoid this, my husband is suggesting that we should not tell them the truth until they have left home, and keep things looking normal until then. That's five years away in our younger DS's case. In the meantime, we would both be free to have other relationships, but keep them secret obviously, and we would both accept our relationship is over and co-exist as friends/co-parents.
I can't get my head around this. On one hand I would go a long way to avoid hurting my DSs. On the other, I don't think I can spend the next five years pretending to our kids and the world in general that everything's fine while dying a slow emotional death inside. I don't think I'm capable of having secret relationships outside our marriage as he seems to feel he is. I don't know if I can carry on hiding my feelings from my children.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Would really appreciate thoughts on this...

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 22/02/2017 14:50

I also wouldn't hide that he has initiated the separation, once exams are out of the way. You don't have to have some great Kramer vs Kramer sit down scene with everyone present. You can just quietly tell tell them. When I was in your shoes and I realised my ex was building up to some big 'your mother is leaving me' scenario, as if it was nothing to do with him, I just told me children individually in a quiet way. Think about what's best for them. He only has his own interests in mind.

Original poster
Sailingfreak · 22/02/2017 14:51

I totally can bear him to be there at weekends (although maybe not every) - and no need to sell house at this stage. At the moment we're still sharing bed and are quite cuddly but nothing sexual. Once we've told kids I think he would then sleep in spare room but we definitely want to remain a family and still all be together often. Question is whether better to be open with kids about it or not...
Other problem is I can't stop obsessing about where he is/what he's doing/who with. Even gone to lengths of checking bank statements etc although wouldn't go as far as looking at his phone - hate to think I would find. I think once we've officially separated I'll be able to move on on this front.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 22/02/2017 14:57

What's in this for you?

Adora10 · 22/02/2017 15:02

OP, just don't! He's making an arse out of you, pretending is basically lying to your children; whilst he's off shagging, I mean really; where is your pride woman, the kids will be fine, they are not babies.

Adora10 · 22/02/2017 15:03

You are making this far too easy for him OP; and stop cuddling him when you know he's off sniffing out other women; the only person you are protecting is him; him who wants to have sex with other women.

Original poster
Sailingfreak · 22/02/2017 15:13

I'm really not making this easy for him - rather trying to lessen the trauma for the children. I know I may be sounding to some as if I'm being feeble and too understanding but he's not a bad person and isn't finding it easy either. This is just a place we've got to and we have to sort it out in the least painful way possible. I don't think there's anything to be gained in dishing out blame.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 22/02/2017 15:21

He's either having an affair or is planning one and is not interested in repairing the marriage or going for counselling.

What is the point in pretending that all is fine when it is not; believe me I've been there, they will find out either by eaves dropping or otherwise and that will traumatise them; do not tell lies, it's a form of real deceit, they are teenagers and can handle a split as long as you both remain amicable.

What he is proposing is having the family life as long as he is free to go out and shag about.

If you think that is normal then carry on.

He may not be a bad person but it's a bad idea and the relationship is dead in the water.

Up to you what advice you take on here though.

Original poster
Sailingfreak · 22/02/2017 15:24

I actually don't think it's normal and all the feedback I've had on here has helped to put it in perspective. I think I'm resigned to the fact that we have to tell the kids. Now I'm just worrying about how :(

OP posts:
SaltBae · 22/02/2017 15:28

You're using your kids as an excuse not to deal with separating & much worse you're trying to make it look like you're doing your kids a favour - you're being selfish.

Your husband wants to shag people while having a comfortable/normal routine at home. You both sound spineless and all this will do is completely mess up your kids perception of a healthy relationship.

I can't believe people STILL use the "staying together for the kids", it's complete bullshit take it from me. Angry

Original poster
Sailingfreak · 22/02/2017 15:32

When you say 'take it from me' @SaltBae do you mean you've been through it yourself as a parent or as a child? I would be interested to know what your experience is. Believe me I am not spineless - and I am genuinely trying to put the kids first. I have already said that I've faced up to it, now looking for advice going forward. It's not really helpful if people get annoyed and angry :(

OP posts:
Adora10 · 22/02/2017 15:32

I don't think I can spend the next five years pretending to our kids and the world in general that everything's fine while dying a slow emotional death inside. I don't think I'm capable of having secret relationships outside our marriage as he seems to feel he is. I don't know if I can carry on hiding my feelings from my children.

So don't allow him to have his cake then OP; he's leaving the marriage not you, tell them the truth, you do not have to go into any details.

And face up to what you will have to do rather than using you children as an excuse to hang on to him.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, I just can't believe you are actually considering selling your soul for this man.

Froglette16 · 22/02/2017 15:53

Agreed with the suggestion to wait until after the exams and announce the split as positively as you are able during the summer break. I am related to a family where hiding the split from teenagers did not work. When it was finally announced the kids had already been exposed to a string of dad's special friends. The elder child got out as soon as poss to university but the younger one couldn't take it and developed hatred of the new partner (who wasn't around during the split) and was depressed for years after. IMO you will feel relief if you let your husband go. It may take time but it will also allow you to openly seek happiness for yourself, whichever way fulfills you. It won't necessarily be a new partner straight away. But take some time to reflect on what you've given up over the years and build a new, positive life based on that. Hobbies, classes etc can lead you to new friendships (if you have time. NO! MAKE the time!) Let go and have faith that the next phase of your life will be happy. Even after separation shock the kids will be happier if they see that their parents are both ok.

LemonBreeland · 22/02/2017 15:58

My parents split up a couple of months before my A levels. it wasn't ideal. If you can keep it quiet until after that I would. But no longer than that. Your children won't thank you for it.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 22/02/2017 16:02

My parents split just after I left for uni. Dsis was in her GCSE year. They had decided to split in July but wanted to get through 1 year so I could settle and dsis could do her exams.
They were both essentially 'free agents.' I came home for a weekend, used family pc, found emails from my dad to ow. I agonised on how to break my mums heart because ddad was clearly being unfaithful- it upset me massively, altered my view of him. I sat my mum down and broke the news - only to get clobbered with the fact that they had agreed all this months ago.
It was a bloody awful time. I was furious and stayed away for months and poor dsis was heartbroken anyway.
Don't do it OP, I'm begging you

WeeMcBeastie · 22/02/2017 16:06

Speaking from personal experience - don't even entertain the idea! My ex suggested this and for financial reason and to protect our teenage daughters, I agreed. It lasted for 6 months and surprise, surprise there was an ow. The girls were aware of what was going on and it was a horrible situation for everyone. He finally agreed to move out but initially refused to agree to a divorce. He even hacked my phone and threatened to divorce me for adultery because he claimed to have found 'evidence', I hadn't done anything! When I reminded him of our arrangement (despite it being his idea) he told me that this was my word against his! I then found evidence of his cheating (it had been going on for a few years) and he agreed to let me divorce him for unreasonable behaviour to protect her (long story) It was a horrible time and far worse than the actual divorce. I don't think arrangements like this can ever work. I met with a friend yesterday who reminded me how worried I was about being a single mum and the financial implications of divorce this time 2 years ago but how much happier I was now. This is very true and it will be the same for you. Life is too short and you deserve better.

BettyBaggins · 22/02/2017 16:18

Good for you for wanting to handle it amicably. People change.

This is what I would do. Get your ducks in a row. Don't lie to teenagers, it makes them feel like their whole life is a lie and feel very insecure lived it, it was awful and certainly affected my studies So I would seriously wait until after exams. Put a plan together now to implement after exams/during summer holidays. The DC are the priority.

Hissy · 22/02/2017 17:33

Of course there's another woman. He's not working on this because he already is banging someone else during the week.

He just wants to come out of this as less of a bastard.

He's leaving you, that's been his choice/decision, not yours and there needs to be recognition of this. Kids need age appropriate truth to know how to navigate life.

Get the exams out of the way and YOU can tell them that your h is planning on living away all week because he doesn't want to be married to you anymore. Reassuring them that he loves them and his leaving changes nothing in that respect, but that the marriage is over.

I'm sorry, this is crap, but you can't live a lie, and you can't lie to boys this age. There is also no reason why you should go down the "mutual agreement" thing either as it's not true.

LotsOfAxolotlsAndOcelots · 22/02/2017 17:37

Chances are most of your DCs mates have divorced parents. It's not that uncommon surely. Don't make a huge fuss about it is my advice. They will take their lead from you. If you are matter of fact they will be less upset than if you are rending your garments and lamenting.

Adora10 · 22/02/2017 17:37

Excellent post Hissy.

Adora10 · 22/02/2017 17:39

OP, you seem to think that you can remain a family, you can but not in the sense that you a have been; I think you are desperately trying to keep him there, it's time to face facts and let him go, by all means wait until they've had their exams but if you agree to his ludicrous suggestion the only people you are hurting is yourself and your children.

Blueroses99 · 22/02/2017 17:48

First year of university, I lived with a girl whose parents waited for her to move out before separating. She struggled massively with her family falling apart while she was away, developed an eating disorder and eventually dropped out half way through the year. She spent the rest of the academic year back at home with her family, got her head round it, and returned to restart the course the next year. All could've been avoided if her parents hadn't tried to 'protect' her by waiting to separate.

ChemistryGeek · 22/02/2017 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 22/02/2017 18:39

Can you imagine how your kids will feel knowing their childhood was a lie.

That's more of a fuckup than actually splitting up and demonstrating to the kids that sometimes things don't work out and that's ok.

user1479305498 · 22/02/2017 18:50

If Im being honestI am at the moment in a similar positionalthough husband unaware I am thinking of leaving (although given my discovery of his emotional affair Im sure he knows its in the back of my mind) and I can honestly say 2 months of indecision and getting ducks in a row for me has been dreadful- so years and years of it, it simply wont work. Before you know what you will be back to doing everything , except you have given him carte blanche for an open marriage which i doubt you want. probably would suit him nicely. Teens are very resilient , they see it all the time with friends. They may be sad, but they would be more sad if further down the line they realised it was a big charade.

Dadaist · 22/02/2017 19:37

It's a terrible suggestion and your H will have no doubt made a head start on the 'seeing other people' front. He wants to end the relationship, has found someone else, and doesn't want any responsibility for the separation. Is he usually a selfish, manipulative fuckwit?

^THIS^

What a crashing utter f*ing cad! Horribly cruel OP. If you were wanting or initiating any of this too - it would only be a very bad idea!