My Mum is giving me actual anxiety attacks

[HakeLively]

Hi,

I have name for this purely because I have posted a fair few details about my life in previous threads and I want to keep this separate. Long term poster though.

My mum has been a huge issue for me throughout my life. She doesn't like me. She's picked on me, or swung from being nasty/ignoring me throughout my childhood. This intensified when my Dad moved out (at her instigation) when I was 11. I will list a few example for context but if you're kind enough to be reading I don't want to keep you all night!

When I was 9 she told me that I was very far away from the daughter she had imagined having. She didn't elaborate on that at all. I was a quiet, slightly introverted child but I had good friends and worked hard at school, liked riding my bike and looking after my animals. To this day I don't know what I was supposed to be 'like' to be closer to what she imagined.

She didn't buy me my first bra until I was already becoming developed abs she told me off for walking around the house 'inappropriately'- as in you could see I was starting to get breasts through my t-shirt. I was so embarrassed and walked around with a jumper on (it was summer) and my arms crossed across my chest until she went shopping at the weekend to buy me a bra (without me, and it didn't fit properly, but I knew I couldn't say anything so I put up with it until I could spend my birthday money on a new one)

Various things to kind of wear me down in confidence until I left for university, and I flourished there and did become confident while I was away from her. I then moved abroad for a teaching job straight after. She came out to visit me (and I was so excited at spending 'grown-up' time with her and thought, naively that we could have a proper-mother daughter relationship) and had me in tears most days- criticising the area I lived, my apartment, saying she'd 'wasted' all her holiday in coming out there and asking to use my computer to try and change her flights. She wasn't able to so was just miserable for the rest of the time, even though I tried so hard to make it work.

When I came back I had to move back home for a bit to save some money. In that year I became anorexic. I wasn't admitted as an inpatient but had weekly sessions and weigh-ins at a clinic. It was really hard and she refused to give me a single lift anywhere, or talk to me about anything, she just said how crap I looked and how haggered and tired. They had a family appointment thing and she stood me up and said she'd forgotten. I couldn't be around her anymore so I ended up going abroad again to try and get away from her but I was still very underweight and wasn't ready. I met a new boyfriend and with his support I got physically healthy again, mentally, I think I just patched things up.

I will point out that she's very clever at making everyone believe that it's all my fault we are not close because I'm stand-offish or have a chip on my shoulder. I'm pathetic sometimes as I still believe somewhere deep inside that it'll all be fine and she will be lovely to me one day if I just work out how to make that happen. She's fine with mr brother, he just thinks we don't get on.

I was seriously ill a couple of years ago in hospital and came home for a few days after to recover and she told me off for 'going on' about how poorly I was, so I left early and she said I'd flounced like the drama queen I am. I feel like she's holding me back in all sorts of areas of my life because I just don't feel like I'm good enough for anybody or anything most days.

I live quite far away from her but she still lives in the same town as my Dad, so I haven't escaped her totally. I see her for very short bursts but refuse to be alone with her. She messages a lot through Facebook though and tries to get me to join in on the odd family occasion, but I just can't do it. I got a message from her today asking me to go away for the weekend for her birthday celebrations. (With my DP and her partner and my brother and his wife and son) that message made my stomach churn so much I thought I was going to be sick. I just can't do it. I had sweaty palms and I was shaking. I have this awful habit where I pull hairs from my head, not like a clump but one or two I pick out, and I started doing that. She tried to arrange a birthday weekend away for my 30th last year but I just wanted to spend it with DP (we went away in the end) as spending it with her making me feel like shit filled me with absolute horror. When I said I didn't want to she called me an ungrateful cow and booked the weekend anyway with her partner and my brother and his wife and posted all the pictures on Facebook and said 'look what you're missing out on! Cut off your nose to spite your face!'

DP says I need to talk to someone about her, a counsellor or someone. It's starting to impact on our lives as whenever she gets in touch with me or I know I have to see her I'm nervous, defensive, and short and snappy with him. I feel like I can't handle her being part of my life anymire but how the hell do I deal with it? Would a GP even be able to help or refer me or do I need to think about paying for therapy? I'm not very well off at all but I think I could afford a session every two weeks perhaps. Is this something therapists deal with? I already think it's trivial in the grand scheme of things but I can't cope with the feelings anymore. If any one can offer any advice at all I'd be really grateful.

My mum isn't as bad as yours sounds, but therapy definitely helped me. If I'm feeling strong I can laugh at her ridiculousness now. The therapist helped to get my mum's negative voice out of my head and made me realise that it wasn't my fault that we don't have a good relationship.

What sticks in my mind most was the look on the therapist's face when I was telling her what my mum and said or done in the past which had upset me. It made me realise that it really wasn't normal. Looking back its hard to imagine how I ever believed that I was the weird one for being upset that my parents used to smack me and then laugh at me when I cried , but they'd done a good job of gas lighting me I think!

OP I think you would do yourself a favor to not deal with her at all you deserve peace.

After reading this thread last night, I have literally been up all night, and dwelling on my shit house of an 'upbringing' and decided to go NC with her. I do not know why I have stayed in contact with her so long, but she should have never had children

I understand where you are coming from OP, as my mum is similar to yours. The shit she put me through during my childhood, meant that my self-confidence and self-esteem was ground into the pavement as a result of her constant verbal abuse and put-downs. I became an anxiety-ridden, recluse, only socialising with my friends and own family (DC's and DH). I was always treading on eggshells when round at mum's place, so as not to upset her.

Now, I am far more confident due to my wonderfully supportive husband, my DC, my closest friends and my Muay Thai instructor. They've all seen how low I was, due to mum, took that last shred of confidence and supported and bolstered it. They have helped me realise my potential and my MT instructor has asked me to please continue my degree in Psychology. He doesn't want me to stop my studies because of my mum, he told me that "You need to do this for yourself and your own family. And also to show your mum that she is wrong about you and that you aren't stupid, fat or lazy. BTW, you're the hardest working MT student I've had. There's no-one I know who would train 5 days a week just for self defence". With all those wonderful people behind me, I don't need my mum. And it actually feels good to be able to say that without feeling guilty.

OP, no matter how hard life is, you should know that you can be, and are far stronger than you think and believe yourself to be. Think of it this way, if your mum died, you'd have other people to comfort you in your hardest times, so why do you keep contact? It's not doing your MH any good, so why bother?

Don't ever be afraid of telling the truth to someone. If your mum takes issue with something you've pulled her up on, then obviously she knows that it was something that she shouldn't have done/there was no need for or that it forced her to take stock of how badly she treated you. Like any bully/narc, she will either try to outright deny what she has done, gaslight you or justify her actions. Understanding what type of person she is helps you to understand how to deal with her. She may have given birth to you, but that doesn't give her the right to treat you like shit, throughout your life, and not get called out on it.

A poster on another thread once said that scapegoats are like colostomy bags. They're there to take their shit that the narcs can't/refuse to deal with.

I hope you gain the confidence to do the right thing for yourself OP. You mum is an adult and you don't need to worry about upsetting her. You don't have to take her crap either.

Good luck and take care

Thank you Scruffbags that's a really lovely post. You sound like you are in a really good place.

I've just been sitting with a coffee going over some emails my mum sent me in 2015. This is a time where I'd removed her from my social media and was trying not to have any contact. The reason was that, I'd gone back to my hometown briefly to visit my Dad, as he'd had surgery, was on crutches and in a lot of pain. My 'crime' in this instance was that I did not inform my mother that I would be nearby. She'd had to find out from someone else and it was apparently very humiliating for her.

The emails are full of 'how embarrassing it was for me, my own daughter not arranging to see me or even telling me she was back' she then goes on to say the stress of wondering what she'd done to deserve this treatment from was making her ill. She claims she had bought an expensive present for my birthday, which has been taken back to the shop, and she'd been crying wracking her brains as to what she'd done wrong to make me act so nastily towards her.

It concludes with her saying she'd like me to write her a letter to try and explain my actions.

I didn't write the letter and enjoyed a period of NC, but she wormed her way back in. The emails are horrible, full of guilt trips and bullying tactics. It just makes think I'm going to have to be really strong when the shit hits the fan over me attempting to go NC or at least low contact again, which I think I will have to do for my own mental health.

I also have a fraught relationship with Mum. I am the target child even though I am middle aged now, this has gone on forever. Two siblings who never get any hassle and often wonder if I am imagining things! I don't blame them if they never get any of that stuff from Mum.

Anyway, it is verbal and can be physical too, OMG, I know.

Mum is ill now and in full time care. We looked after her ourselves until medical advice said no more, she has too many physical issues. But there is nothing wrong with her mouth and tongue to me just the same!

I used to visit three or four times a week. But now that is once a week and if there is any shenanigans I leave immediately. My OH is great with her and she sucks up to him, but he will not tolerate her saying anything bad to me in his presence, bless him.

It's very tough, but tough love is called for.

I am suffering greatly now with anxiety for no obvious reason, but it is mother's behaviour towards me coming to the surface I reckon. I am starting counselling soon for this.

It is truly awful, but I am trying my best to limit contact.

I wish you well OP.

Hake, sometimes the anxiety, depression and other deeper emotions can take a long time to come to the surface. You may find that you may experience emotions that you didn't know were hidden deep inside you. It could take decades for them to come to the fore (at almost 40yo, it took from about 14yo to now to realise that what mum put me through was wrong).

The thing is though, when you come to realise what you have been through, you also realise that you are a lot stronger than you first thought. Your emotional and mental health has been put through the mangle, and yet you've come out of it understanding that you made it, despite the emotional and mental cuts, bruises and general battering you've had, at the hands of your mum.

It's strange how the realisation of your treatment, and how wrong it was, can be more mentally damaging than learning how to adapt and cope with the onslaught. It may be because we're so used to dealing with being emotionally and mentally battered, that when it stops, it's difficult to know what to do. We're so used to being on the defensive, that it can almost be traumatic in itself, to have to adapt to there being less crap to take.

Sometimes it helps to accept that you won't get the answers you need (admittance of horrid treatment etc), and that letting go of the want for answers can allow you the freedom to move on a bit IYSWIM.

I've got into the habit of letting go of things that I have accepted I won't get (answers from my mum for her treatment of me is one of many), and acknowledging that mum will never admit to what she did, helps me to also understand her need to seem bigger and better than who/what she really is. BUT, although I see that she has a very low sense of self, as well as her having issues with me, I have given her numerous chances to speak to me in a calm, rational manner about them. She wasted every single one of them, and just like life itself, I will only give so many opportunities to get things sorted. After that, I'm afraid she'll have to go to her grave knowing that she could have sorted those issues, but didn't. It was HER choice. I had asked, on many occasion, if I'd done anything to upset/offend her, to which she replied that I hadn't.

Either she does have issues with me, or she doesn't and is using this as a method to try and control me. Either way, it's not working as I've figured her little game. I shouldn't really say this, but I can't bring myself to care about whether she is angry/hurt/upset/put out that I'm not pandering to her like my brothers are.

Anyway, I'm off to bed now as I'm up for my usual 4am start.

to everyone on here, as you've all been through so much and are doing so well at getting through your tough times

Take care everyone, and I'll see you all in the morning.

One of the many things that strikes me on threads like this is how these poisonous people really abuse their families then get affronted when the family will not put on a public display of devotion.
My PILs were horrible - not olympic standard by any means, just common or garden vile. Never interested in our side of the family, but we had to be seen to visit their house regularly. They would ignore the DCs when we got there, it was all about putting on the show for the neighbours.
Hake - I wish you strength to go no contact. You need to do that much - look after your DCs mother (you!)
Plenty of great advice and support on here.