My Mum is giving me actual anxiety attacks

[HakeLively]

Hi,

I have name for this purely because I have posted a fair few details about my life in previous threads and I want to keep this separate. Long term poster though.

My mum has been a huge issue for me throughout my life. She doesn't like me. She's picked on me, or swung from being nasty/ignoring me throughout my childhood. This intensified when my Dad moved out (at her instigation) when I was 11. I will list a few example for context but if you're kind enough to be reading I don't want to keep you all night!

When I was 9 she told me that I was very far away from the daughter she had imagined having. She didn't elaborate on that at all. I was a quiet, slightly introverted child but I had good friends and worked hard at school, liked riding my bike and looking after my animals. To this day I don't know what I was supposed to be 'like' to be closer to what she imagined.

She didn't buy me my first bra until I was already becoming developed abs she told me off for walking around the house 'inappropriately'- as in you could see I was starting to get breasts through my t-shirt. I was so embarrassed and walked around with a jumper on (it was summer) and my arms crossed across my chest until she went shopping at the weekend to buy me a bra (without me, and it didn't fit properly, but I knew I couldn't say anything so I put up with it until I could spend my birthday money on a new one)

Various things to kind of wear me down in confidence until I left for university, and I flourished there and did become confident while I was away from her. I then moved abroad for a teaching job straight after. She came out to visit me (and I was so excited at spending 'grown-up' time with her and thought, naively that we could have a proper-mother daughter relationship) and had me in tears most days- criticising the area I lived, my apartment, saying she'd 'wasted' all her holiday in coming out there and asking to use my computer to try and change her flights. She wasn't able to so was just miserable for the rest of the time, even though I tried so hard to make it work.

When I came back I had to move back home for a bit to save some money. In that year I became anorexic. I wasn't admitted as an inpatient but had weekly sessions and weigh-ins at a clinic. It was really hard and she refused to give me a single lift anywhere, or talk to me about anything, she just said how crap I looked and how haggered and tired. They had a family appointment thing and she stood me up and said she'd forgotten. I couldn't be around her anymore so I ended up going abroad again to try and get away from her but I was still very underweight and wasn't ready. I met a new boyfriend and with his support I got physically healthy again, mentally, I think I just patched things up.

I will point out that she's very clever at making everyone believe that it's all my fault we are not close because I'm stand-offish or have a chip on my shoulder. I'm pathetic sometimes as I still believe somewhere deep inside that it'll all be fine and she will be lovely to me one day if I just work out how to make that happen. She's fine with mr brother, he just thinks we don't get on.

I was seriously ill a couple of years ago in hospital and came home for a few days after to recover and she told me off for 'going on' about how poorly I was, so I left early and she said I'd flounced like the drama queen I am. I feel like she's holding me back in all sorts of areas of my life because I just don't feel like I'm good enough for anybody or anything most days.

I live quite far away from her but she still lives in the same town as my Dad, so I haven't escaped her totally. I see her for very short bursts but refuse to be alone with her. She messages a lot through Facebook though and tries to get me to join in on the odd family occasion, but I just can't do it. I got a message from her today asking me to go away for the weekend for her birthday celebrations. (With my DP and her partner and my brother and his wife and son) that message made my stomach churn so much I thought I was going to be sick. I just can't do it. I had sweaty palms and I was shaking. I have this awful habit where I pull hairs from my head, not like a clump but one or two I pick out, and I started doing that. She tried to arrange a birthday weekend away for my 30th last year but I just wanted to spend it with DP (we went away in the end) as spending it with her making me feel like shit filled me with absolute horror. When I said I didn't want to she called me an ungrateful cow and booked the weekend anyway with her partner and my brother and his wife and posted all the pictures on Facebook and said 'look what you're missing out on! Cut off your nose to spite your face!'

DP says I need to talk to someone about her, a counsellor or someone. It's starting to impact on our lives as whenever she gets in touch with me or I know I have to see her I'm nervous, defensive, and short and snappy with him. I feel like I can't handle her being part of my life anymire but how the hell do I deal with it? Would a GP even be able to help or refer me or do I need to think about paying for therapy? I'm not very well off at all but I think I could afford a session every two weeks perhaps. Is this something therapists deal with? I already think it's trivial in the grand scheme of things but I can't cope with the feelings anymore. If any one can offer any advice at all I'd be really grateful.

Thank you everyone! I feel better about approaching it and DP is very suppprtive- he just wants me to be happy- I just have to work on feeling that I deserve to be!

The Fear, Obligation, Guilt thing really resonates. Especiallly the guilt. I think I spend huge chunks of my time feeling guilty about something.

Weirdly I thought she'd back off when her first grandchild was born down that would keep her occupied! but she's used it as another thing to make me feel shitty about- my brother and wife are younger than me by a few years. So now I get 'oh aren't they doing well, married with a baby!' 'They thought its best not to leave it late to start trying, it gets harder after 30 you know.....' 'they're really sorted and sensible, not going out at the weekends and shopping, I think that get a bit tragic and empty when you're out of your twenties....' ugh. I know it wouldn't matter what I do though. In her eyes I'll always get it wrong.

NettleTea Good work there :-) Exactly the right websites :-)

Yup - another good old Narc. Your anxiety OP is coming through. No-one deserves EVER to be made to feel like that. What a truly awful waste of a space your M is.

Same story as you. I went NC in September. It has been very hard as they won't let go. I spent years trying to speak to them - then I just snapped.

Un-mumsnetty [hugs]

I cannot believe some of the things I'm reading on here! They are so far removed from anything I know. I couldn't imagine having a relationship like that.

I know. It's funny though, I have it the totally opposite way. I can't believe how parents actually support their children. When my fiance tells me how much he loved his DM and how much he misses her, my brain kind of goes blank. It is so alien.

Sometimes Hake you have to go NC in order to get on with your life.

Your mum clearly doesn't like you and you don't like her. If this was a friend saying and doing these things you would bring the relationship to an end. I don't see any difference with a relative.

I certainly wouldn't be saying anything about a wedding to her.

Like decluttering and tidying your house makes for an easier house to clean and therefore frees up more of your time. Decluttering your life of people who take up too much of your time or don't enhance your life can only lead to a more positive outcome

I certainly wouldn't be saying anything about a wedding to her.

I agree with everything you say Oliversmumsarmy if it was in the context of a friendship.

Trouble is, the damage that abusive parenting does is insidious. A bit like a battered wife that keeps on returning to her husband. No one 'gets' it but it;'s because self-esteem has been totally shattered. And we are all still searching for the magical seal of parental approval that has always been denied to us and that we will never ever have.

It's so much deeper than 'I don't like her' though Olivers. That makes it sound like a clash of personalities. Of course it's different cutting your mum out than it is a friend.

Nothing to add of any purpose, but I'm here for you OP

It's not trivial, OP, it is absolutely fundamental.

Do go down the therapy route, and I think you will find it fruitful.

I found a book called 'The Dance of Anger' very helpful. By Dr. Harriet somebody or other.

As for your brother, remember that even full siblings don't, in a sense, have the same parents. Birth order, sex, personality, parent's issues, what was going on in their lives at the time of your respective births, all make for a different relationship with each child. So he may well genuinely not understand. Clearly your mother favours him, but please don't passively accept that the bad relationship is your fault or that her favouritism has any basis in truth. She's the parent and you are the child. This is a mess of her making.

It's not a personality clash and it's not about two people who don't like each other. OP you are not pathetic. You cannot fix your mother and you cannot fix your relationship with her. You can only fix yourself and to do that you have to start to listen to your own voice. You have had some really good suggestions for websites. I also recommend therapy to you. Your mother has damaged you a lot. But many people learn to live with damage and still grow and heal.

You have my every sympathy OP. My mother is the same. She bought a white dress for my wedding day - the exact same shade as my simple wedding dress. As my living Granny said ' Keep away from your mother - I don't know what's wrong with her. Narcissism is the answer...

Sorry, meant loving granny..

I have a friend who is about to be 60 and still living in FOG of her dreadful excuse for a mother. She won't do therapy because she says it's too painful. I think this is a mistake because she still blames herself for shit that cannot be her fault and tries endlessly and fruitlessly to please her mother.

Don't be like her. Have whatever counselling and support it takes to love and cherish yourself and see her for the bad mother she is. Really bad. Go as LC as you possibly can. Block her from sending you her nasty messages and if you can't do that delete and ignore them. She will hate that.

I agree she makes herself look ridiculous posting stupid PA comments on FB. Anyone who knows her will see her for what she is. Nobody decent puts down their daughter in public or anywhere else.

It won't be easy and it won't be quick but now is a great time to take back the control. Give up on any hope of her changing for in hoping for that lies only heartache and pain. She won't be a nice granny either.

You will never be like her to your own DC. Put that fear right away.

Matilda your poor friend I cabt imagine being that age and still doing this- I'm frankly shattered by years of trying to please/accommodate/pacify and lander to my mother!

Lissette that's shocking your mum did that on your wedding day. So blatantly horrible. Your Granny sounds like she was switched on to her. Mine will not really be drawn on the subject but I think she knows. She'll say things like 'it's such a shame...' and shake her head at things my mum does.

My mum was awful at my graduation ceremony- that was what was making me worry about my wedding. all the photos I have of the day I look nervous and miserable.

*that should say pander to her!

Oh god OP your thread really struck a cord with me.

I suffer anxiety triggered by my mother and I now keep contact with her to a minimum. I do not feel ''right'' for several weeks after a phone conversation with her

I could write a bloody essay on this subject - However I won't hog the thread, and even sometimes talking on it is a bit of a trigger for me.

You asked a particular question about weddings and without going into too much detail If I could go back, I would have got married without my mother being involved in the prep

She was given one job to do, which she suddenly refused to do LAST MINUTE and really left us in the shit the night before the wedding

I could go on and on about this but the fact is she acted appallingly and it really damaged our relationship. I have literally just sat and typed 25 points of how bad her behaviour was, and deleted it down to this for fear of being ID'd. She really was shocking and people still ask me now, what was her problem, for which I have no answer. Other than, she is a cunt

I feel bloody furious now I have just sat and thought about all this

FakenewName I understand the fury- I have been having imaginary rants with my mother in my head all day when i call her out on all the horrible things she's done and how it's made me feel.

Then I feel more angry because I know it's never going to happen. She'd fake one of her panic attacks, (she loves to do this, get some her out of all sorts) or tell me I was being dramatic, that it didn't happen that way, or I was just too bloody sensitive, or why bring something up fromyears ago. It's maddening dealing with someone who will never be held accountable for anything. Really bloody frustrating.

*gets her out of all sorts. And I know they are not real panic attacks, she functions perfectly well in her daily life without having them- it's only me that seems to bring them on!

Can you plan your day and send the invited out the week before especially if she has a holiday lined up ?

I mean you only need a decent venue a few friends and a couple of drinks - you won't have to talk about favours or flowers etc - just rock up in a fan dress

Enlist a few fab friends for support ...

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. No advice to give because I am going through similar- my DF just like your DM and I suffer anxiety attacks (amongst other things) too

when we went re cently to a behavioural psychologist we talked about the dreadful Narc in our family. The psychotherapist said that in an ideal world you would go no contact, as that is the best and healthiest thing for your own mental health. However because of a family business we are entwined financially, so he said keep the contact as low as possible, give single word monotone answers and try not to get drawn into any drama.

He likened it to a game of tennis, where the narc wants to keep control. He has you trained to return the ball and keep the game going. He said that you know that ball is going to be lobbed over to you, you have no control over that at all, but once its over the net the ball is literally in your court, and all the control and power lies with you. The narc likes to think he can make you react, get an angry or upset response, but you can control what you do - either bat the ball out to leftfield, leave it lying on the ground and walk off, pick up the ball and put it in your pocket. If you dont react they cant carry on with the game.

the panic attacks are a way of shifting the attention back to themselves, and painting themselves as the poor victim being attacked for no reason.

OP my DM has used feigned illness all her life to get her own way. She once feigned a heart attack in the midst of an argument, full on chest clutching slumped in chair, because I was confronting her about some truly terrible lies she had been telling about me.

I now give her nothing of myself, no news, no plans, no thoughts, no opinions. We talk about the weather & traffic .

I could never call my mother out on any of her behavior, the emotional black mail of '' you are driving me into an early grave'' would be wheeled out for the zillionth time - or she would cut me out of her life like she did a sibling (and the grandkids of sibling) who dared to speak out

My mum has a stroke of I start talking about stuff she doesn't want to hear. The family cluster around her hospital bed crying that I am killing our mother..

Admittedly, you can't fake a stroke. I talk to my mum about politics, God, the weather, current affairs. When she asks about me I give her an almost completely fictional account, save some very general factual details. I do not entrust my heart or my mind to her.

It's taken a lot of therapy and years to get here. She is a very damaged woman, therefore very damaging.