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Original poster

Emotional affairs and can a man and a woman be friends if they find each other attractive?

26 replies

AnnOnimus · 01/03/2007 14:48

I've changed my usual name for this.

I have started work a few months ago and met some really nice people in my office. There is a guy who I wouldn't have given a second glance but we've become quite good friends over the time that I've been here and often insult and banter with each other.
About 2 months ago he confessed that he really liked me. I was flattered but made it clear that he ought to get over me at the time.
After Christmas he suggested getting to know each other a bit better to which I agreed. It's been hot and cold a lot of the time as I get uncomfortable the closer we get. Everytime this happens, I suggest that we just stay friends and he becomes indifferent.

I really do feel that it is all my fault as I do feel strongly about him but am unable to bring myself to carry on with what we had was an "emotional affair" as opposed to a platonic friendship. Now he won't even look at me in the eye whenever I pass him.

dh knows about this as I often spoke about him at the end of the day and he had an inkling that he fancied me back then. It upsets him for me to talk about it obviously, he trusts me and I love him dearly and don't want to do anything to hurt him.

Is it all or nothing with men who find you attractive? I've never been in this situation before where I've been propositioned whilst married.

I

OP posts:
Tinker · 01/03/2007 14:50

It's not all or nothing, just know hen to not cross the boundary. Once you've done that it's very tricky to undo it.

"he suggested getting to know each other a bit better to which I agreed" What does that mean?

Original poster
AnnOnimus · 01/03/2007 14:50

Sorry, loads of grammatical errors but you get the idea!

OP posts:
Tinker · 01/03/2007 14:50

when

Glassofwine · 01/03/2007 14:51

I've never been in your position, but I do think that if someone admits they fancy you and you know you can't act on it you can't expect to be friends. It's all or nothing. It sounds like you've been enjoying the attention so not wanting to let it go, but really you have to.

Original poster
AnnOnimus · 01/03/2007 14:51

My interpretation of getting to know each other better was to just stay friends and go for the occassional drink like we did before he confessed his crush.

OP posts:
IdrisTheDragon · 01/03/2007 14:52

Speaking personally, no, you probably can't be friends.

Original poster
AnnOnimus · 01/03/2007 14:54

Well, I'll just put this down to experience. We live and we learn

OP posts:
BoolieTC · 01/03/2007 14:55

no

lou33 · 01/03/2007 14:56

most people would think getting to know each other better was taking it to a more intimate level tho

well i would, so maybe he feels you have been playing him?

Tinker · 01/03/2007 14:57

Yes, I would think that he would think "getting to know each other a bit better" = likely chance of some action.

Original poster
AnnOnimus · 01/03/2007 14:58

yes, I feel that too. Am feeling very guilty about it all. Perhaps I've been extremely naive.

OP posts:
ScottishThistle · 01/03/2007 15:01

I've never managed to be "friends" with a guy whom fancied me & I don't think I'd be able to be "friends" with a guy I was hugely attracted to either!...Very difficult!

lazyemma · 01/03/2007 15:04

I think people can be friends if one finds the other attractive, so long as there's no expectation that the friendship will lead to anything more. In this case, the guy was clearly hoping for more, so things couldn't really continue as they were.

I don't think you had an emotional affair, as your partner was aware of what was going on. There was no deceit involved, and it sounds like the infatuation was one-sided.

chacha3 · 01/03/2007 15:07

roh gosh what an awkwad situation to be in! id try and cool off your freindship for a bit dangerous stuff if you both fancy eachother esp with you being married! you dont want to get yourself into a sticky situation! goodluck hun!

Original poster
AnnOnimus · 01/03/2007 15:07

lazyemma,
the infatuation was only one sided until more recently. I guess it had escalated out of control.

OP posts:
LucyLemon · 01/03/2007 21:38

I have had some experience of this in the past....

As much as you try, it is impossible to go back again. It's too flamin' awkward and some boys and their crushed egos just cannot handle it.
I introduced an admirer of mine to a friend and they got on like a house on fire. I have to admit that I did feel a touch jealous and had ever so slightly enjoyed the flattery but it was also such a relief. It did get a little complicated from there and I ended up distancing myself from them both and letting them get on with it.

So, have you got an attractive friend to whom you can matchmake him with? Subtly of course.

PS Do not mean to be at all flippant...it worked for me, it might work for you.

lazyemma · 02/03/2007 09:28

AnnOnimous - do you think the reason it's maybe become more of a mutual attraction is that it's flattering to have someone who's so interested in you?

mylittlestar · 02/03/2007 10:28

I think you can be friends with someone you find attractive, as long as both of you just want friendship.

The minute one or other of you wants more, then I don't believe a real 'friendship' can continue.

Surely for a real friendship you both need to feel the same about the relationship, what you get from it, and where it's going.

Once the line gets blurred - best to get out and stop it before anything gets out of control.

mylittlestar · 02/03/2007 10:31

p.s. as nice as this bloke may be, to proposition a married woman is out of order. full stop. i would lose all respect for him at that point.

you have a loving marriage built on trust. i would never jeapordise that for anyone. i'd be glad this bloke is now out of your circle of friends.

madamez · 02/03/2007 12:47

It's an awkward position to be in, because (whatever either person's relationship status) when one of you wants more than friendship, the other one can either stop the friendship - which could be perceived as being unnecessarily harsh - or continue the friendship which means that the one who wants more retains a bit of hope of getting more. No matter how firmly you state that more isn't available, people in love/lust are capable of a lot of self-delusion.
I do actually think that setting him up with someone else might be the best solution; another good one is patience in that sooner or later everyone gets sick of waiting for what will never happen. But it's still a PITA in the meantime.

Original poster
AnnOnimus · 02/03/2007 19:29

Thanks for the recent posts.

This guy now insists that he's over me. It is a relief tbh.

I would have loved to set him up with someone but the thing is, I don't know anyone outside work and mum type activities.

OP posts:
DeeSkies · 02/03/2007 19:35

Have name changed for another thread and scared to change back in case I UCM myself.....

I think you can be friends. But in my experience, to become friends, you have to get the attraction part out of the way first. Two of my best friends are men who I have had relationships with. To call them relationships is wrong really. We were really good friends, realised we fancied each other. Had a fling for a while, then for many reasons, went back to being friends with no other problems. This was many years ago now though.

vizbizz · 03/03/2007 22:28

I think it is possible, but it isn't easy. The person who wants more than just friendship has to be mature and realise it's just not going to happen, and that they are better being your friend than to lose you completely. A lot of people just can't do it - ego or something gets in the way.

Dior · 03/03/2007 22:36

Message withdrawn

madamez · 04/03/2007 01:15

Oh ex-flings can be great friends. One of my happiest moments was being witness at the wedding of my ex to someone who'se ex was the other witness - people who you didn't get on with in a couple sense can still be great friends. But when one person wants sex/couplehood and the other one doesn't it still takes a while before you can be firends without forever tripping over this fact.

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